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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Crawford Party

August 8, 2006

Contact: Christopher ______, National Chairman of The Crawford Party

In recent times of political upheaval, we have seen numerous unsuccessful attempts at building a viable national third party, an alternative to the Bill of Rights burning Republicans and spineless Democrats alike. The Reform Party imploded because it was supported solely on the large and entertaining ego of a tiny man. Conversely, the Green Party learned that it may be easier being green than getting votes for the terminally dull and poorly dressed.

But, from the ashes of these sad attempts at raging against the political machine, we bring you a party with a purpose, a party with the will to win at all costs, and most importantly, a party with style: The Crawford Party.

The name of the party is derived from obsessive-compulsive film legend Joan Crawford, and is based on her principle of, “If you can’t do something right, don’t do it at all!” We (and by we, I mean I) chose Ms. Crawford as our party mascot because a) we needed someone intimidating, b) large eyebrows and shoulder pads are still more attractive than circus animals, and c) because Joan wouldn’t have tolerated the electoral incompetence of the state of Florida.

While the Crawford Party has many goals in its platform (taxpayer-supported stylists for certain public figures, for example), the major plank of our party platform is the Fire Florida movement. We in the Crawford party have come to the conclusion that Florida has proven after two presidential elections with significant irregularities that it cannot handle the responsibility of being a state. They have put a multi-million vote election on a wire hanger, and the Crawford Party is demanding that they get out of that bed and get the beating they deserve.

To that end, the Crawford Party is beginning a large-scale publicity tour of the United States to campaign for the expulsion of Florida from the Union. The people of Florida may wish to remain a protectorate of the United States in the fashion of Puerto Rico, to become a separate nation with Epcot Center as the capital, or whatever. Frankly, we don’t care if they make Gloria Estefan their queen (not a bad idea considering that no elections are required, and she might even supply her own tiara) so long as they never screw up another election day for the United States again.

We propose that in order to maintain that rigid symmetry on the American flag, the District of Columbia will become our 50th state. Hasn’t the time come to give them their big break? After all, any place whose citizens are tough enough to fight off street rats the size of a dachshund can surely produce a straightforward election. If you can count a high body count, can you not count votes? We (and by we, I mean I) say yes!

In a mere two years, our great nation will face the most important election of its long and distinguished history. As it currently stands, we are being given the choice between stupidity and timidity, with one state holding the power to tip the scales in either disastrous direction.

Our third party alternative offers brains, brawn, and timeless beauty with the guarantee that if things aren’t done right the first time, there will be Hell to pay. We will clean up that mess, and we’ll do it with style.

The Crawford Party: Don’t fuck with us, Florida...this ain’t our first time at the rodeo.


JonboySF said...

Can you add Texas to the list too? I've always said that we should just give Flah-rada and Texas to the Bushes as their own sovereign nations, except that as soon as they took over they'd hire illegal immigrants on the cheap to build a big wall around the borders of both states and then they'd start bombing the U.S. for our oil.

One question...if the Crawford Party gets a candidate elected will he or she be known as President Dearest?

Christopher said...

When I told you to call me that, I wanted you to mean it!

Bedazzler said...

I had a 1st edition of her lifestyle book "My Way of Life". It was brilliant. Do you think there REALLY is any other way? NO.

Christopher said...

Seriously, she wrote a book?! I MUST HAVE IT! THAT IS BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!!!