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Sunday, February 22, 2009

Oscars 2009

Well it has been a while since I last blogged. I won't bore you all with the details of my life, but suffice it to say that I really deserve an evening of being bitchy about some tacky-ass celebs while consuming many cocktails and snacks. And of course I know how much the five or six of you who read this hot mess look forward to my annual bitchfest, so who am I to disappoint? This year, I have resolved to not 1) refer to Ryan Seacrest as Peecrust or Semencrest, 2) make any jokes about Debbie Allen dance numbers, or 3) get drunk prior to 9pm. Wish me luck.

6:30 As I mention every year, no one good shows up in the first 30 minutes. The people who do know that if they show up after 7pm, they run at least a 75% chance of getting shoved aside on the red carpet in favor of Jolie. So I made a run out to Target for laundry detergent, puppy snacks, and Sun Chips, only to turn on the television and be greeted by America's favorite chipmunk, Miley Cyrus. Tonight Miley is dressed as 35 year-old in some bedazzled placemats. She did get points for giving her father a mild stroke by proclaiming she wanted to be adopted by Angelina. Daddy's Little Meal Ticket is making him nervous.

6:40 The next time someone catches Jay Emmanuel's attention, could you have him bring me the wine menu please? Thanks a bunch.

6:57 Trend That Needs to Die: The combination slightly messy updo/ponytail that seems to be ubiquitous over the last couple of years. This is the lazy-ass woman's version of the tuxedo/wino beard that every male actor under 30 sports at red carpet events. The Academy Awards are not the time to try out your new Topsy-Tail.

7:00 Bloody hell. I just realized that I had previously paused the TiVo, so I'm actually 30 minutes behind. How did I figure this out? Because I just saw Jennifer Grey (who I only recognized because they put her name on the screen), and I thought, "Isn't it too late in the broadcast for her tired ass to make it onscreen?!" I will do my best to catch up. I can definitely fast-forward through this lesbian in a tuxedo who oddly is named Zac Efron.

7:03 Any minute now, after he finishes up his "interview" with the kids from Slumdog Millionaire, Ryan Seacrest is going to get a call from Secretary of State Clinton. It will go something like this: "Queen, shut the eff up. You are not allowed to talk to foreigners. It is screwing with the work I'm doing trying to get the planet not to hate us anymore. Dumbass. I can have you KILLED!"

7:07 I don't know who this Melisssa Leo is, but telling her hairdresser to give her the Camilla Parker-Bowles was a HUGE mistake.

7:11 It occurs to me that this Dev kid from Slumdog is sort of the Bollywood Ross Gellar.

7:13 I can't decide if Heidi Klum's dress is hot, if it is a hot pink origami napkin at a sushi house, or both. Also, Robert Pattinson always looks like he smells like a wet dog. Why that is sexy to teenagers is beyond me.

7:15 Viola Davis from "Doubt" is practicing the power of positive fashionization by dressing as an Oscar for the Oscars. I don't think it is going to help her, though, against Penny Cruz.

7:18 Taraji Henson is just cute as a button, no pun intended. Great necklace and dress, but if you are going to lift your skirt on live television to show something on your ankle, don't lift it high enough to show your Spanx. Thankfully Ryan resisted the urge to show her his.

7:21 I'll guess that Amy Adams' necklace looked prettier when she made it last summer in Bible School.

7:23 If one is unknown, middle-aged, beat down, and has hair like a bag lady, it would behoove one not to keep popping up over Heidi Klum's shoulder to grin and give the camera the crazy eye.

7:25 Surprise of the evening so far: Seth Rogan has shown up looking fuckable. Non-surprise of the evening: Mickey Rourke still looks like I wouldn't touch him with Ann Coulter.

7:27 I am LOVING all the Bollywood ladies showing up in these gorgeous colors with some South Asian influence. Finally some women who don't look like they have thrown up everything they've ever eaten before having Rachel Zoe dress them up like Mrs. Roper.

7:29 Botox Alert! Robert Downey Jr., no one can snort that much coke and still look young.

7:32 Sarah Jessica Parker is refusing to allow Matthew Broderick to talk about his clothes for fear he'll look even more gay. Bless her heart. She tries. She's got a great dress, though her extensions are a bit much.

7:33 Marisa Tomei's dress almost made me not hate her for 30 seconds. If it had been a better color, she could have temporarily erased my memory of her undeserved Oscar. I wish she had been honest when Ryan asked her if it was hard shooting "The Wrestler" so fast, and instead answered, "It isn't like I had anything else to do."

7:35 Oh Beyonce. If you're going to have your mother cut up a sofa for the Oscars, at least have her cut one with enough fabric to make a dress that fits.

7:41 I love Queen Latifah. God knows I do. That's why it makes me sad in my heart that she's wearing what I would imagine Xena Warrior Princess would wear to the Oscars.

7:45 Jessica Biel loves her satin sheets. Too much. She's wearing them, with the excess hanging over her boobs. If only it hid her shoes.

7:47 The E! Network's Giuliana should have resisted screaming when she spotted Angelina Jolie. It is unprofessional. It is, however, entirely professional to scream when seeing Phillip Seymour Hoffman wearing a toboggan to the Oscars for no apparent reason. Unless he recently underwent brain surgery, there is no excuse for that fuckery.

7:51 Best hair of the evening goes to Kate Winslet. Here's hoping the beautiful woman who has said screw you to the body fascists of Hollywood gets to show off that hair onstage tonight getting an award.

8:00 On to the ABC pre-show! Robin Roberts may be the prettiest lesbian in all the land tonight. Just lovely. Also, Tim Gunn should host everything. Absolutely everything.

8:02 Diane Lane looks gorgeous in a dress that would make most other women look like Morticia Addams.

8:05 I take it back. SJP's dress does not work, mainly because the Wonder Woman bodice does not fit, making her itty bitty titties look like back fat.

8:10 I am loving what Tim Gunn is bringing to this pre-show, almost an academic look at fashion rather than a parade of labels. It is a shame poor Valentino looks like an overcooked chicken. Lohan, this is you in 10 more years if you keep it up!

8:14 I am done taking potshots at Mickey Rourke. Anyone who loves his dog so much that it is all he can talk about on the red carpet can't be that bad. It doesn't make him less crazy, but at least he may have a good heart.

8:15 They aren't saying, but I am positive that Robert Downey Jr's date is wearing Rami Kashou. I know that drape when I see it.

8:18 So few people still do full beads and sequins, and Anne Hathaway does it without looking like an extra from "Dynasty." Really really good dress. I just wish her eyebrows didn't look like she glued them on. "Bert" is not a good eyebrow look.

8:21 Meryl Streep is so lovely, which is why it confounds me that she would choose to use the wife of Franklin Hart as a hair model. Dora Lee should send her some flowers.

8:27 Ever since Rob Lowe made a complete ass of himself doing a musical opening number with Snow White back in the 80s, no one will open with a big production number. Please oh please oh please let that trend end tonight with my luscious new boyfriend Hugh Jackman!

8:32 Yes!!!!!!!!!!!! A big musical opening!!!!! I think it also goes without saying that I am touching myself inappropriately right now.

8:38 Best. Opening. Ever. Still touching myself inappropriately.

8:42 Liking this new format with the big group of winners presenting. I am not liking the fact that Tilda Swinton did not bring the crazy tonight. I was counting on her. Thankfully Whoopi Goldberg decided to dress like Edna Turnblad on the prowl. Thanks girl, love ya!

8:43 What happened to Goldie Hawn's tits? Were they driven by Kate Hudson to try and off themselves just like poor sad Owen Wilson?

8:48 I should note I totally called Penny Cruz earlier, and state that my picks for the rest of the night are: Slumdog for best pic and director, Sean Penn, Heath Ledger, and Kate Winslet.

8:51 I should also note that I appreciate Angelina's attempt in the opening to pretend she has a sense of humor, but I do wish that she wasn't once again wearing a gown by Ambien.

8:54 Tina Fey and Steve Martin are national treasures. It is a shame the Scientologists are going to have them killed for their jokes.

8:57 The fact that "Milk" just won best original screenplay means it likely won't win best picture. Original Screenplay is what they (usually) give to movies that won't win best picture (i.e. "Pulp Fiction" or most Woody Allen movies). Now, I think "Wall-E" deserved this award, as well as a best picture nomination because it was compelling even with no dialogue for the first 30 minutes, but that's just me. In spite of that, I along with virtually every other gay man in the country would totally marry the nice boy who just won for "Milk." Craiggers and I are all teary-eyed. Ginsburg is bored.

9:04 Ahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I love that some bitchy gay is running the cameras and just had to put the camera on Jolie when Jennifer Aniston made a funny! Fakest. Smile. Ever.

9:06 Watching Aniston, it occurs to me that while I understand that Jolie allegedly has some sort of magical vagina, at the end of the day I would much rather have a cocktail and watch bad reality television with Aniston. Perhaps Brad is still thinking he's taken less seriously because he's a pretty boy and therefore thinks he shouldn't have fun. Mission accomplished.

9:20 It is funny that Daniel Craig is presenting for Best Costume Design when no one really remembers him unless he is all but naked. And now my mind is wandering to his little teeny swimsuit from "Casino Royale." Damn it!

9:23 I love categories like Best Makeup. Otherwise, I'd never get to say things like "Oscar Nominee, Hellboy 2."

9:26 I really can't say enough that Robert Pattinson looks like he smells of ass sweat, gin, and regret. Not hot.

9:31 While I know it is meant to be a joke, Ben Stiller is continuing the presenter theme of Hot Chicks With Douchebags as started by Robert Pattinson. Also, Natalie Portman needs to eat a cookie.

9:48 It is 9:48 and they've given like 3 awards. No wonder I'm normally drunk by now. Remind me never to make that resolution again.

9:55 I just realized how very tired I'm getting of Beyonce. So is her costume designer evidently, because they made her look WAY bigger than she is. Much as I love the idea of a tribute to the movie musical, this one just didn't work. I blame those damn High School Musical kids. Thank god we'll never have to see them on stage actually getting an award.

9:57 Actually, as it turns out, I should blame Baz Lurman for that number. That makes two bombs he's created this year.

10:04 I'm not sure what it says about me that I'm so enraged by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I'm seriously screaming at the television. I should probably seek help. I would imagine all of these guys are actually hoping they don't win Best Supporting Actor because no one wants to be the spoiler that kept Heath Ledger from getting the posthumous win (which he TOTALLY deserves, by the way, though Josh Brolin was pretty brilliant too).

10:14 Bill Maher needs to give his tuxedo back to The Temptations.

10:23 On a totally unrelated note, we just saw a commercial for "Dancing With the Stars," and Craiggers asked me if "that fat guy is the one who was dating Kathy Griffin." In reference to the godlike inventor of the Macintosh computer, Steve Wozniak. I'm sure his arrangements will be announced in his obituary.

10:43 ohmygodiamsofuckingbored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please oh please let Jerry Lewis be drunk and belligerent!!!!

11:03 When a Bollywood production number can't wake me up, you know this is a boring-ass ceremony. By the way, the white guy dancing in his pajamas at the front of that dance troupe looked a little out of place.

11:12 It's the parade of the dead! And Latifah changed out of that horrible black spandex bondage gown! Since she's singing during the parade, it is going to be hard to tell who really mattered by the amount of applause they get. I love that nearly as much as the camera shots of the nominees who lost and are attempting to be good sports.

11:20 Reese Witherspoon's dress is an atrocity, and her eyemakeup makes her look like she's been dating Chris Brown.

11:24 I am 3-for-3 so far. Why I don't bet on this stuff anymore is beyond me.

11:27 Again, I am loving the format of having past winners say nice things about each of the nominees. How amazing to have Shirley McLaine extol your virtues. It is a really nice emotional moment. And Sophia Loren is still a batshit crazy badass.

11:32 I am so happy to see that Kate Winslet is not going to become the Susan Lucci of the Oscars. Her hair deserves it.

11:36 Best comment of the evening, from Becca to me: "Sophia Loren tonight = you in about 40 years." I think 40 years is being a bit generous. I'm really only 5 years and a crazy yellow gown away from there now.

11:40 Craig just called me a geek fucker because I think Adrien Brody is kinda hot. I'm not sure what that says about Craig.

11:43 YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Sean Penn won!!!!! I had always heard that when he was younger, he was a HUGE homophobe. If that's true, he's proof we can evolve. He really was amazing in Milk. What is also amazing is that his wife Robin Wright looks exactly like she did on "Santa Barbara" in the 80s. Even more amazing? That I remember "Santa Barbara."

11:53 And I am six for six on the major awards. If only I had skills that worked in the real world.

11:54 That actor from Slumdog Millionaire is holding on to the little Indian boy in the front not out of happiness, but rather because in about 30 seconds, Jolie is going to pounce up onto the stage and forcibly adopt him.

And so ends another interminably long Oscars telecast. Hugh Jackman was a great host with way too much superfluous foolishness toward the end dragging the damn thing out. Kate Winslet win for best dressed, Mickey Rourke wins for worst, and I am damn near hammered. Yup, that sounds about right. Goodnight y'all!