Pre-order Bananarama

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Idol Blogging...Because I Can

I am officially done with law school classes and exams, and at long last have time to do the sort of thing you’ve all waited for: write extensive bitchy commentary on trashy television. After all, why should I give it out in dribs and drabs on the Facebook walls of various friends when I can dump it into a post that will waste a good 20 minutes of your time?

Anyhoo, I dearly love American Idol. Not because they are always very talented or interesting, because frankly most of them over the past seasons are about as interesting as store brand mayonaisse. The only contestant whose material I have bought in any large amount is Kelly Clarkson (I have a few singles by Carrie Underwear, J-Hud, and a lone single by Tasia Mae), and this is from someone who loves cheap disposable pop music. So why do I watch? I love to judge. And you love it when I get all Judge Judy on some bitches, admit it. So on with the judgments.

8:00 THIS….is American Idol! And this…is a douchebag. I have said it many times before, but it bears repeating: I hate Ryan Seacrest like I hate an ass rash.

8:04 Jamie Foxx is this week’s mentor for Rat Pack week? Really? Isn’t that a bit like choosing Britney Spears for Chinese opera week?

8:13 Kris Allen is the Natalie Cole of American Idol. The Natalie Cole who made a tacky bid for fame on the back of her dead father. Pretty and boring. Pretty boring. Paula likes it, of course. Paula also likes to dress like a Christmas present wrapped by an over-zealous middle-aged queen at JC Penney's gift-wrap department, so her credibility is questionable to say the least. I'd still drink from her cup because you know she has the good stuff.

8:20 Allison celebrated her 17th birthday yesterday. Apparently she celebrated by smoking a carton of Marlboro reds. So Jamie gave her some bullshit advice, and the whole time I kept picturing him as Wanda Woofer on "In Living Color" because that made him way more interesting and relevant. I do love Allison, and she sounds great, which almost makes me forget that Hot Topic Goes to the Prom costume she's wearing. Her vocals are great, like Joss Stone, only not acting like a dayshift stripper.

8:25 Dawg dawg that was hot you look pretty blah blah blah. We should have been using the commentary of these judges as "enhanced interrogation." On second thought, not even Dick Cheney would be that evil.

8:32 I used to say that I wished someone would bring back snappy hats for men. Timberfake just changed my mind. As for his song, I have the same problem with him as with Kris. it's in tune, it's pretty, and it is coma-inducing. There's nothing about their voices that has any personality. If you play them on the radio, no one is going to know within the first ten notes that it is them. There's nothing particularly distinct or interesting about them.

8:43 Apparently Danny Offkey has fresh breath. Apparently he just got out of a wedding where he served as an usher and had no time to change clothes. Apparently he is going to continue stealing Taylor Hicks' act until the end of effing time.

8:50 Brief commercial commentary: Dear KFC, if Sandra Lee is endorsing a food product, I'm immediately going to assume it was made with frozen chicken, a spice packet, and a crock pot. It's just a shame you don't serve one of her cocktails with that grilled chicken.

8:54 I'm a bit concerned about Glambert's white suit. White for someone who wears that much Panstick? Risky move. I hope he took some Aquanet and sprayed that stuff down. I've had my qualms about him because I still think he's a bit like someone playing a rock star off-Broadway. But, as far as talent goes, he and Allison are MILES away from the others. What's more, while I'm STILL not sure what kind of artist he would be because he's such a chameleon, I am interested to find out what he would do. He's never boring, to say the least.

8:58 Paula to Glambert: "With every performance, it's like you're my pharmacist with a fist full of Oxycontin."

8:59 Win: Adam by a hair over Allison. Matt Timberfake: Pack your hat and say goodbye.