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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Idol Blogging...Because I Can

I am officially done with law school classes and exams, and at long last have time to do the sort of thing you’ve all waited for: write extensive bitchy commentary on trashy television. After all, why should I give it out in dribs and drabs on the Facebook walls of various friends when I can dump it into a post that will waste a good 20 minutes of your time?

Anyhoo, I dearly love American Idol. Not because they are always very talented or interesting, because frankly most of them over the past seasons are about as interesting as store brand mayonaisse. The only contestant whose material I have bought in any large amount is Kelly Clarkson (I have a few singles by Carrie Underwear, J-Hud, and a lone single by Tasia Mae), and this is from someone who loves cheap disposable pop music. So why do I watch? I love to judge. And you love it when I get all Judge Judy on some bitches, admit it. So on with the judgments.


8:00 THIS….is American Idol! And this…is a douchebag. I have said it many times before, but it bears repeating: I hate Ryan Seacrest like I hate an ass rash.

8:04 Jamie Foxx is this week’s mentor for Rat Pack week? Really? Isn’t that a bit like choosing Britney Spears for Chinese opera week?

8:13 Kris Allen is the Natalie Cole of American Idol. The Natalie Cole who made a tacky bid for fame on the back of her dead father. Pretty and boring. Pretty boring. Paula likes it, of course. Paula also likes to dress like a Christmas present wrapped by an over-zealous middle-aged queen at JC Penney's gift-wrap department, so her credibility is questionable to say the least. I'd still drink from her cup because you know she has the good stuff.

8:20 Allison celebrated her 17th birthday yesterday. Apparently she celebrated by smoking a carton of Marlboro reds. So Jamie gave her some bullshit advice, and the whole time I kept picturing him as Wanda Woofer on "In Living Color" because that made him way more interesting and relevant. I do love Allison, and she sounds great, which almost makes me forget that Hot Topic Goes to the Prom costume she's wearing. Her vocals are great, like Joss Stone, only not acting like a dayshift stripper.

8:25 Dawg dawg that was hot you look pretty blah blah blah. We should have been using the commentary of these judges as "enhanced interrogation." On second thought, not even Dick Cheney would be that evil.

8:32 I used to say that I wished someone would bring back snappy hats for men. Timberfake just changed my mind. As for his song, I have the same problem with him as with Kris. it's in tune, it's pretty, and it is coma-inducing. There's nothing about their voices that has any personality. If you play them on the radio, no one is going to know within the first ten notes that it is them. There's nothing particularly distinct or interesting about them.

8:43 Apparently Danny Offkey has fresh breath. Apparently he just got out of a wedding where he served as an usher and had no time to change clothes. Apparently he is going to continue stealing Taylor Hicks' act until the end of effing time.

8:50 Brief commercial commentary: Dear KFC, if Sandra Lee is endorsing a food product, I'm immediately going to assume it was made with frozen chicken, a spice packet, and a crock pot. It's just a shame you don't serve one of her cocktails with that grilled chicken.

8:54 I'm a bit concerned about Glambert's white suit. White for someone who wears that much Panstick? Risky move. I hope he took some Aquanet and sprayed that stuff down. I've had my qualms about him because I still think he's a bit like someone playing a rock star off-Broadway. But, as far as talent goes, he and Allison are MILES away from the others. What's more, while I'm STILL not sure what kind of artist he would be because he's such a chameleon, I am interested to find out what he would do. He's never boring, to say the least.

8:58 Paula to Glambert: "With every performance, it's like you're my pharmacist with a fist full of Oxycontin."

8:59 Win: Adam by a hair over Allison. Matt Timberfake: Pack your hat and say goodbye.

43 comments:

Becky said...

I have missed you blogging. Glad to see you back!

Ces said...

Where are you and how are you doing? I hope all is well with you.

ChristopherM said...

Well Ces, I'm in Louisville and trying to find a law job in a tragic market. And it is soooooo not fun!

Ces said...

Oh darn! You have good news? Take care honey.

睡衣 said...

看到你的好文章真是開心 加油囉.......................................

龐克搖滾 said...

精彩的文章是我停留的理由~ ........................................

pass said...
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國男皓云 said...
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士嬌 said...
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嘉容嘉容 said...

以簡單的行為愉悅他人的心靈,勝過千人低頭禱告。........................................

凱倩 said...

每一粒厄運的種子,卻包孕著未來豐盛的果實 ..................................................

明NathanA_Schulle said...

認清問題就等於已經解決了一半的問題。.............................................

韋于倫成 said...

河水永遠是相同的,可是每一剎那又都是新的。........................

韋于倫成 said...

喜歡看大家的文章,祝你順心~^^ ........................................

TamMcfee0鄭 said...

錢,給你帶來歡愉的日子,但不給你帶來和平與幸福..................................................

紋謙PhilCrispin0 said...
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廖淑凡 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
TodRaine1025 said...
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建月 said...
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江婷 said...
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宛真宛真 said...

人不能像動物一樣活著,而應該追求知識和美德............................................................

宥妃宥妃 said...

Riches serve a wise man but command a fool.............................................................

JasonBirk佳琪 said...

[做人難,人難做,難做人] 人.事的艱困與磨難,是一種考驗!要以樂觀歡喜之心,很珍惜地過每一天!^^..................................................

JasonBirk佳琪 said...

希望能常常看到你的更新.......................................................

婷珊 said...

人生中最好的禮物就是屬於自己的一部份

倫惟倫惟 said...

婚姻對男人來說是賭他的自由,對女人而言卻是賭她的幸福。............................................................

張怡 said...

開心不開心都是一天,祝您能夠笑著面對一切!............................................................

香昱信張君林 said...

far from eye, far from heart...................................................

王美妹 said...

No one knows the weight of anothers burden. ..................................................

雅莊王edgd春2蕙婷余惠其 said...

永遠不要躊躇伸出你的手。也永遠不要躊躇接受別人伸出的手。.................................................................

dawsonfelicia張君dawsonfelicia均 said...

好的blog就是要回應!............................................................

謝俊柯凡豐德 said...

Quality is better than quantity.............................................................

蔡苡玄 said...

Knowledge is power................................................

文王廷 said...

No pains, no gains..................................................................

高黃吉軍向婷 said...

Pen and ink is wits plough. ............................................................

偉曹琬 said...

你的部落格很棒,我期待更新喔............................................................

桂江江江江宸 said...

時間就是塑造生命的材料。

佳張張張張燕張張張張張 said...

你不能決定生命的長度,但你可以控制它的寬度..................................................................

翊翊翊翊張瑜翊翊翊 said...

每日都有新日光,每日都有新希望。.................................................

怡靜怡靜怡靜怡雯 said...

初次造訪,感謝你的分享..................................................................

志涛 said...

請繼續發表好文!加油加油加油!............................................................

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