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Thursday, February 28, 2008

I'm That Guy

Last spring I had to go to campus on a Saturday. Being that it was Saturday, I can park in the faculty parking lot rather than hiking in from Siberia as I do on a weekday (in spite of tuition that is on the level of a new compact car annually). For whatever reason, campus was hopping that day, and there was only one open space in the lot. Located next to a Ford Excursion. A ginormous Ford Excusion parked by Stevie Wonder. I wrenched my back getting out of my Honda Civic, and wrenched it again two hours later when I returned to my car. The rage bubbled up inside me, and for the first time in my life, I left a note on someone's car.

I can assure you it was not the note posted above.

No, it was more salty and to the point. After all, I did major in journalism. I believe in being concise:

If you fuck like you park, you'll never get it in.

And I don't feel bad about it, not one bit. Not just because this driver was piggy with the parking spaces, but because they're piggy with the planet. I say this to friends and foes alike: if you're driving a gas-guzzling SUV in today's world, you are selfish, and need to take a long hard look at yourself. Period. You know what extreme low mileage does to dwindling fossil fuel supplies and to the environment. Clearly you don't care. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

I have a personal policy regarding SUVs, especially Hummers, a vehicle which is an automotive substitute for a gigantic flashing neon sign proclaiming the driver to be an asshole. If you are driving a fuel-inefficient SUV, I will not let you over in traffic. You could probably crush my lovely little Honda of Destiny, but I will not yield. What's more, I will force you to slow down when merging, and I will let cars driven by people who care about the future of the planet in front of me when I know it will slow you down. Just call me the karma police.

All this said, if you made me have to park in a lot that's a mile away because you don't understand the mechanics of getting a metal box between two yellow lines, I'm leaving a note on your vehicle. I don't care if you're driving a horse and buggy. I'm that guy.

The Weekly Cheese: Kylie Edition

I love Sinead O'Connor. Her first album was genius, and her big breakthrough "I Do Not Want What I Have Not Got" (containing the big hit) is one of my ten favorite albums of all time. Earlier this week, Sinead said she would rather take a bullet than listen to Kylie Minogue.

Oh hell naw!

Now, I understand that it is fluffy, but my tens of readers know I love some Kylie Minogue. In fact, I've had her on permanent rotation this week. Sure, Sinead is more musically talented. But these serious musicians for the most part could not put together a catchy and escapist pop song to save their lives. It is a skill...just ask the billionaire members of ABBA. So, in tribute to the Princess of Pop, this week's installment of The Weekly Cheese pays tribute to Australia's favorite daughter.

Disclaimer: No grouchy Irish songstresses were harmed in the making of this blog post.

Live at the Brit Awards, "Can't Get Blue Monday Out of My Head" featuring the fiercest boots this side of Nancy Sinatra.

"Better the Devil You Know," classic Kylie circa 1990

Hot song and nearly nekkid boys, "Red Blooded Woman" live from the "Showgirl" tour.

The German-only release (which explains the high-cheese content of the video) of the Village People-inspired "Your Disco Needs You."

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Live Blogging the Oscars

5:50 – Want proof that E! spent too much on Ryan Peecrust’s contract? I give you E! fashion commentator, Kim KardASSian. I can almost smell the dried semen from here.

6:00 – Speaking of Ryan, I haven’t seen a tuxedo that ugly since my father’s second wedding in 1978. Sadly, I was wearing it.

6:13 – Kimora Lee Simmons just called the Juno girl plain. That’s like having a tranny hooker tell you to be a little more sexually adventurous.

6:24 – Heidi Klum, amazing! Though if Sissy Bear had sent that down the runway, she probably would have called it too retro.

6:28 – Amy Ryan (“Gone Baby Gone”) looks a little dull in her Calvin Klein. Mr. Klein must still be spending too much time pretending to be strayt, which has turned him into Donna Karen. At least Amy looks thrilled to be there. It’s always nice to see someone really excited about their good fortune instead of some of these sour-ass jaded bitches.

6:34 – Clooney’s daughter is shockingly pretty, but really doesn’t look much like him. It’s so nice of her to escort her dad to the Oscars.

6:46 – Being someone who doesn’t tan, I’ve never been one to call out someone as looking ill, and I won’t be doing it tonight because I’m afraid Anne Hathaway will come find me and feast on my blood.

6:58 – Daniel Day Lewis must have told someone to wake him up before they go go.

7:02 – It is possible that the McDermott family has the best hair in the history of hair.

7:06 – I used to make fun of John Travolta’s 90s boy band wig. I’d like for him to bring it back. Please.

7:07 – The fact that Marisa Tomei and Helen Hunt have Oscars seem to have given hope to The Rock. Bless his heart. He cleans up nicely.

7:11 – Amy Adams is so pretty. You’d think she’d know better than to get her dress at Contempo Casual back in 1990. Don’t you need boobies to wear a cone bra top?

7:12 – Trading Faces guest commentators Andy and Becca are with us this evening. Andy has already threatened to throw me out of my own house for insulting Marisa Tomei.

7:19 – Just when you thought life couldn’t get any worse for Gary Busey, he gets dismissed by Ryan Seacrest.

7:27 – I know Marion Cottiliard is French. That’s no excuse to dress like the Little Albino Mermaid.

7:34 – What’s the hottest accessory on the red carpet? According to Jessica Alba, it is a scrub.

7:36 – Agreement at last…we all agree we would murder each other for the opportunity to sleep with Javier Bardem.

7:38 – I think I just scared my guests by threatening to beat Cameron Diaz to a bloody pulp for wearing a pony tail on the red carpet. Clearly they don’t understand just how important these things are.

7:41 – I would comment on Tilda Swinson’s dress, but I’m afraid she might cast a jelly-legs jinx on me. Avada Kedavra, Tilda!

7:42 – I have a problem with men who show up to the Oscars without having shaved. That said, I have seen Colin Ferrell naked. He can wear his hair however he damn well pleases.

7:49 – Ellen Page, thank you for being a friend. Travelled down the road and back again. After the Oscars, how about we go have some cheesecake out on the lanai.

7:51 – Becca’s hair is maybe three inches long, and even she asked, “What the fuck did Renee Zellweger do to her hair?!” I’m wondering if she went into the salon and said, “Give me the Jane from Melrose Place”?

7:53 – Viggo Mortenson used to be a poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed. Now that he’s moved on up to Beverly, he should get a haircut.

7:58 – I’d comment on all the end stuff, but Becca and I are about to throw down over Katherine Heigel’s hair. She went off on it, not realizing I used to have that as a wig.

8:01 – When did Regis Philbin become Bob Barker?

8:14 – What queen did Mrs. Daniel Day Lewis insult that he dressed her like a Christmas doorknocker?

8:15 – Cameron Diaz looks nice from the front. Then she turns around and looks like she dropped a load into her diaper.

8:17 – I’m so impressed that Regis’s granddaughter has managed to be in the bleachers for that many years.

8:19 – SCREAM! Tilda Swinson needs to stay off my damn television. I have neighbors and don’t need Becca screaming like a white woman every time she pops onto screen.

8:24 – Ellen Page again. Lord, where are those bitches from “What Not To Wear” when you need them. Seriously, she looks like your old spinster aunt who is a professional potter, and you’ve invited her to a formal wedding and told her she has to dress up.

8:27 – Jack Nicholson must have just gotten his eyes dilated. And by dilated, I mean snorted a LOT of coke.

8:40 – Jon Stewart made a joke about Obama. Quick director, put the camera on some black people! Oh wait, you beat me to it. By the way, tell Spike Lee that Lou Bega would like his hat back unless you’d like to do your rendition of “Mambo #5.”

8:46 - One of my guests is accusing Miley Cyrus of having a cleft palate. This is clearly a tough room.

8:47 - Clinique, could y'all ship some of that eye cream to George Clooney? He needs to moisturize his situation.

8:55 - "You're not even famous!" "You're a nobody! Get off the stage!" Lawd, this crowd at my house should never be allowed to actually go to the Oscars because we'd totally be thrown out for screaming at the director of the best animated feature.

8:59 - I want to like Amy Adams, except she keeps showing up in dresses from TJ Maxx. Girl, this isn't formal night at the Shriner's lodge. You're pretty and talented. Hire a gay to work that stuff out for you.

9:08 - Queen Latifah got people to take her seriously in Hollywood despite her silly name by having talent. You should try that instead of changing your name, Rock. No one is buying this "Dwayne" business.

9:10 - Harrison Ford to the employee of Supercuts: "Give me the Trump."

9:14 - Jennifer Hudson looks pretty and can't read a cue card, sort of like a contestant on America's Next Top Model who hasn't thrown up everything she's ever eaten.

9:17 - I want someone other than Hal Holbrook to win Best Supporting Actor so that Dixie Carter will stand up and say, "And I want to thank you Rae Dawn, on behalf of all the women of the world!" before slapping the shit out of them.

9:19 - I just had to apologize to my guests for my erection. Thanks a lot, Javier Bardem.

9:26 - This is the best episode of "Star Search" ever! I hope Ed McMahon gives that little girl four stars! Oh wait, this is the best song nominee from that Felicity movie that sucked. Never mind.

9:29 - Owen Wilson is so depressing on the medication he's taking to keep from killing himself that they should have had him introducing Best Documentary.

9:30 - Is it me, or does Bee from "Bee Movie" have the same hair as John Travolta?

9:38 - I want Ruby Dee to punch Tilda Swinton out. That's all.

9:39 - Actually, that is not all. I understand that you're this year's Serious British Actress, but that is no reason to take a damn backdrop from the window at Hot Topic and wear it as a dress. I hope Helen Mirrin sits you down and has a come to Jesus meeting with you, Tilda.

9:48 - I've got to develop my Scottish accent. That way I too can not bother to shave for a formal event and look like a starving rat, and still get laid like crazy. Thanks for the tip, James McAvoy.

9:53 - I'm not sure what's more shocking: that Miley Cyrus is on the Oscars, or that Billy Ray didn't horn his way onto that too.

9:54 - I adore Kristen Chenoweth, but I have to wonder how it is that "9 to 5" lost the best song Oscar and this crap from "Enchanted" got a nomination. It's a tribute to Chenoweth's appeal that I don't want to hit her with a shovel right now.

10:13 - Do you get the feeling that the Best Actress award was a bit of a "fuck you" to the Bush administration? It's the Freedom Oscars, y'all!

10:20 - I can't see Colin Ferrell anymore without thinking "I could eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner right here!" You'll only get that joke if you surf for deeply inappropriate video online, in which case shame on you!

10:31 - I'm glad to see the FDA decided that Botox has no ill effects on a fetus. Otherwise Nikki Kidman would be looking like Karl Malden right about now.

10:37 - Right now Calista Flockhart and Catherine Zeta Jones are watching this honorary Oscar winner and seeing their near-future flash before their eyes.

10:44 - Foreign films? Come on Hollywood, you're either with us or against us.

10:46 - The writers of the original songs from "Hairspray" made two mistakes that caused them not to get any nominations for Best Song. 1) Having someone sing the song that people have ever hear of, and 2) Not testing the songs on diabetics to see if they put the testees into a sugar coma.

10:49 - His Ron Popeil spray hair is making me question all those gay rumors about Travolta.

10:58 - Scene at Cameron Diaz's seamstress's home: "What do you have to make my hips look huge, my boobs look non-existent, and my ass like I've just taken a dump? Oh that's perfect, I'll take it. I think I'll wear a ponytail with it since all I'm doing is presenting at the Oscars."

11:01 - It is funny to hear Hillary Swank talk about the giants of cinema and not mean her teeth.

11:12 - I'm concerned that having our military servicemen on the Oscars will trigger a Don't Ask Don't Tell investigation.

11:17 - You know, I have sat through this entire evening of people dressing blandly so they won't be talked about badly, of people not going off the cue cards, and how am I rewarded? They can't even put Michael Moore up on stage to act a fool and piss people off. Dammit.

11:25 - I wonder how it would look if you bejeweled Jackee Harry's nightgown? Ahhhh, not good Ms Diablo Cody. And yet I adore her. Go figure.

11:32 - Daniel Day Lewis, bless his heart, is the male Bjork of the Oscars. You can always count on him to have an ignorant-assed outfit to give horrible people like me something to talk about. He could still get it, though, even if it is only on the basis of how hot he was in "My Beautiful Lauderette."

11:45 - Denzel, I do not care for the Ving Rames look on you. Please grow your hair back immediately. Thank you.

11:47 - So, this may go down in history as the most boring Oscars ever, at least in terms of fashion (I rather liked Jon Stewart I must say). I can see being so terrified of being called out by Joan Rivers that you hire a stylist to turn you into generic celebrity, but come on, Debbie Matenopoulous does those post-Oscars commentary things now. She's dumber than a sack of hammers, who cares what she or a bitch like me thinks? Much as I loathed Tilda's outfit, I salute her for trying something off-the-wall. I'd rather be loathed than forgotten any day. Good night, y'all!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Project Too Gay

Joan Collins, you were the hottest, and dare I say fiercest, bitch in the 80s. And I know you got around (didn't we all?). But Joan, these guys? I mean really.

And it is bad enough that you let them get under your beaded gown, but did you have to give up the love child that wild night produced?

I mean, he is pretty talented, and I know how you love the puffy sleeves.

By the way, isn't it nice to see how well Vicki from "Small Wonder" grew up?

Editor's Note: Princess Puffysleeves screen capture is blatently lifted from the hot bitches over at the world's greatest blog, Project Rungay.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Glass Trailers

Breaking News: In another post-Grammy Awards shocking revelation, former celebrity Natalie Cole declared that Alicia Keys needs to get her own act instead of just stealing the act of some poor dead guy who can't say no.

In other Grammy news, Christopher Cross complained this week to Access Hollywood that The Foo Fighters were robbed of the award for Best Album, asking, "Why do they always give these things to the most lightweight pieces of fluff possible instead of the guys who rock out?"

Editor's Note: Yes, we realize it is several days past the Grammys, giving this post a decidedly stale flavor.  Give us a break..we're still rusty and trying to get back into regular blogging shape.

The Cheese: Saturday Morning

People in my age group have fond memories of School House Rocks. To this day, the only way I can remember the Preamble to the Constitution is if I sing it in the School House Rocks style. But do you remember when ABC expanded their between-cartoon segments to include Menudo and The Bod Squad? Today's Trading Faces Cheese will have you hankering for a hunk of it.

Hanker For A Hunka Cheese

Don't Drown Your Food

Yuck Mouth

And just for good measure...

The Preamble

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Down With Hopes, Up With Dopes

John McCain has officially jumped the shark, y'all. Peepaw needs a nap!

I mean another nap.

His speech Tuesday night made clear several things:

1. He is running against Obama.
2. He will say anything he has to say to get the Radical Right to like him.
3. He doesn't know anyone who is under 45 and non-white (that stage was like a mausoleum!).
4. He is completely batshit crazy.

I mean seriously, peepaw, you're basically giving the speech declaring yourself as the nominee, and all you can do is deride dreams and hopes as a concept? You really don't believe a leader is supposed to inspire us to dream big and then go out and make that dream happen? What a deeply negative message for a campaign, especially one that is winning. That is a strange strategic move for his campaign. My favorite quote from his speech was:

"They will appeal to our dreams of a better future for ourselves, our families and our country, but they would take from us more of the wealth we have earned to build those dreams and assure us that government is better able than we are to make decisions about our future for us."

Ummmm...if someone is dreaming of a better future, chances are they don't have a lot of wealth these alleged crazed Democrats can take. I'd like to know where all this wealth is...apparently this recession thing is just a myth and we're all rich unless we elect Obama! Who knew?

I liked John McCain to some extent, at least as a person if not politically. I think he was stupid to kowtow to the Bush administration, especially after what they did to him in 2000, and he will pay politically for hitching his wagon to that hot mess. And I never believed he is the maverick he says he is...his voting record is insanely conservative (except that he doesn't want to load the brown folks in a box car and ship them to Tijuana, which is precisely what has the wingnuts in a tizzy). But that speech...lawd! It appealed to the lowest common denominator, and lifted up greed and power as an American ideal. I'll happily put that up against Obama in the November because I think that we are better than that.

At least that's my hope.