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Thursday, February 28, 2008

I'm That Guy

Last spring I had to go to campus on a Saturday. Being that it was Saturday, I can park in the faculty parking lot rather than hiking in from Siberia as I do on a weekday (in spite of tuition that is on the level of a new compact car annually). For whatever reason, campus was hopping that day, and there was only one open space in the lot. Located next to a Ford Excursion. A ginormous Ford Excusion parked by Stevie Wonder. I wrenched my back getting out of my Honda Civic, and wrenched it again two hours later when I returned to my car. The rage bubbled up inside me, and for the first time in my life, I left a note on someone's car.

I can assure you it was not the note posted above.

No, it was more salty and to the point. After all, I did major in journalism. I believe in being concise:

If you fuck like you park, you'll never get it in.

And I don't feel bad about it, not one bit. Not just because this driver was piggy with the parking spaces, but because they're piggy with the planet. I say this to friends and foes alike: if you're driving a gas-guzzling SUV in today's world, you are selfish, and need to take a long hard look at yourself. Period. You know what extreme low mileage does to dwindling fossil fuel supplies and to the environment. Clearly you don't care. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

I have a personal policy regarding SUVs, especially Hummers, a vehicle which is an automotive substitute for a gigantic flashing neon sign proclaiming the driver to be an asshole. If you are driving a fuel-inefficient SUV, I will not let you over in traffic. You could probably crush my lovely little Honda of Destiny, but I will not yield. What's more, I will force you to slow down when merging, and I will let cars driven by people who care about the future of the planet in front of me when I know it will slow you down. Just call me the karma police.

All this said, if you made me have to park in a lot that's a mile away because you don't understand the mechanics of getting a metal box between two yellow lines, I'm leaving a note on your vehicle. I don't care if you're driving a horse and buggy. I'm that guy.


Becca said...

um, today i was trying to park on a metered spot and the person in front of me stopped, leaving the only open space b/t their car and the car parked one space up. although the person saw me signaling my intent to pull in behind them, they just stopped and parked. i then had to pull ahead of them and parallel park in between the two cars, when the car in front of me could have simply pulled up. what the hell? why are people insane? i said and did nothing, b/c said driver was large and angry looking. i immediately thought of the note you left last spring...

Ms. Val said...

This reminds me of the time I emerged victorious over an Escalade. I was in a parking garage at a busy mall in Scottsdale (that's where all the good stores are). As I drove up to a prime parking spot, I came face to face with the Escalade. Both of us wanted the space. But in order for the cougar in the SUV to have it, I would have had to back my car up to make room for her to make an 8-point turn. Anyway, I already had my turn signal flashing.

The stalemate lasted all of 10 seconds. She passed on the parking spot, and I swung my car into place.

The Dodge won.