5:50 – Want proof that E! spent too much on Ryan Peecrust’s contract? I give you E! fashion commentator, Kim KardASSian. I can almost smell the dried semen from here.
6:00 – Speaking of Ryan, I haven’t seen a tuxedo that ugly since my father’s second wedding in 1978. Sadly, I was wearing it.
6:13 – Kimora Lee Simmons just called the Juno girl plain. That’s like having a tranny hooker tell you to be a little more sexually adventurous.
6:24 – Heidi Klum, amazing! Though if Sissy Bear had sent that down the runway, she probably would have called it too retro.
6:28 – Amy Ryan (“Gone Baby Gone”) looks a little dull in her Calvin Klein. Mr. Klein must still be spending too much time pretending to be strayt, which has turned him into Donna Karen. At least Amy looks thrilled to be there. It’s always nice to see someone really excited about their good fortune instead of some of these sour-ass jaded bitches.
6:34 – Clooney’s daughter is shockingly pretty, but really doesn’t look much like him. It’s so nice of her to escort her dad to the Oscars.
6:46 – Being someone who doesn’t tan, I’ve never been one to call out someone as looking ill, and I won’t be doing it tonight because I’m afraid Anne Hathaway will come find me and feast on my blood.
6:58 – Daniel Day Lewis must have told someone to wake him up before they go go.
7:02 – It is possible that the McDermott family has the best hair in the history of hair.
7:06 – I used to make fun of John Travolta’s 90s boy band wig. I’d like for him to bring it back. Please.
7:07 – The fact that Marisa Tomei and Helen Hunt have Oscars seem to have given hope to The Rock. Bless his heart. He cleans up nicely.
7:11 – Amy Adams is so pretty. You’d think she’d know better than to get her dress at Contempo Casual back in 1990. Don’t you need boobies to wear a cone bra top?
7:12 – Trading Faces guest commentators Andy and Becca are with us this evening. Andy has already threatened to throw me out of my own house for insulting Marisa Tomei.
7:19 – Just when you thought life couldn’t get any worse for Gary Busey, he gets dismissed by Ryan Seacrest.
7:27 – I know Marion Cottiliard is French. That’s no excuse to dress like the Little Albino Mermaid.
7:34 – What’s the hottest accessory on the red carpet? According to Jessica Alba, it is a scrub.
7:36 – Agreement at last…we all agree we would murder each other for the opportunity to sleep with Javier Bardem.
7:38 – I think I just scared my guests by threatening to beat Cameron Diaz to a bloody pulp for wearing a pony tail on the red carpet. Clearly they don’t understand just how important these things are.
7:41 – I would comment on Tilda Swinson’s dress, but I’m afraid she might cast a jelly-legs jinx on me. Avada Kedavra, Tilda!
7:42 – I have a problem with men who show up to the Oscars without having shaved. That said, I have seen Colin Ferrell naked. He can wear his hair however he damn well pleases.
7:49 – Ellen Page, thank you for being a friend. Travelled down the road and back again. After the Oscars, how about we go have some cheesecake out on the lanai.
7:51 – Becca’s hair is maybe three inches long, and even she asked, “What the fuck did Renee Zellweger do to her hair?!” I’m wondering if she went into the salon and said, “Give me the Jane from Melrose Place”?
7:53 – Viggo Mortenson used to be a poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed. Now that he’s moved on up to Beverly, he should get a haircut.
7:58 – I’d comment on all the end stuff, but Becca and I are about to throw down over Katherine Heigel’s hair. She went off on it, not realizing I used to have that as a wig.
8:01 – When did Regis Philbin become Bob Barker?
8:14 – What queen did Mrs. Daniel Day Lewis insult that he dressed her like a Christmas doorknocker?
8:15 – Cameron Diaz looks nice from the front. Then she turns around and looks like she dropped a load into her diaper.
8:17 – I’m so impressed that Regis’s granddaughter has managed to be in the bleachers for that many years.
8:19 – SCREAM! Tilda Swinson needs to stay off my damn television. I have neighbors and don’t need Becca screaming like a white woman every time she pops onto screen.
8:24 – Ellen Page again. Lord, where are those bitches from “What Not To Wear” when you need them. Seriously, she looks like your old spinster aunt who is a professional potter, and you’ve invited her to a formal wedding and told her she has to dress up.
8:27 – Jack Nicholson must have just gotten his eyes dilated. And by dilated, I mean snorted a LOT of coke.
8:40 – Jon Stewart made a joke about Obama. Quick director, put the camera on some black people! Oh wait, you beat me to it. By the way, tell Spike Lee that Lou Bega would like his hat back unless you’d like to do your rendition of “Mambo #5.”
8:46 - One of my guests is accusing Miley Cyrus of having a cleft palate. This is clearly a tough room.
8:47 - Clinique, could y'all ship some of that eye cream to George Clooney? He needs to moisturize his situation.
8:55 - "You're not even famous!" "You're a nobody! Get off the stage!" Lawd, this crowd at my house should never be allowed to actually go to the Oscars because we'd totally be thrown out for screaming at the director of the best animated feature.
8:59 - I want to like Amy Adams, except she keeps showing up in dresses from TJ Maxx. Girl, this isn't formal night at the Shriner's lodge. You're pretty and talented. Hire a gay to work that stuff out for you.
9:08 - Queen Latifah got people to take her seriously in Hollywood despite her silly name by having talent. You should try that instead of changing your name, Rock. No one is buying this "Dwayne" business.
9:10 - Harrison Ford to the employee of Supercuts: "Give me the Trump."
9:14 - Jennifer Hudson looks pretty and can't read a cue card, sort of like a contestant on America's Next Top Model who hasn't thrown up everything she's ever eaten.
9:17 - I want someone other than Hal Holbrook to win Best Supporting Actor so that Dixie Carter will stand up and say, "And I want to thank you Rae Dawn, on behalf of all the women of the world!" before slapping the shit out of them.
9:19 - I just had to apologize to my guests for my erection. Thanks a lot, Javier Bardem.
9:26 - This is the best episode of "Star Search" ever! I hope Ed McMahon gives that little girl four stars! Oh wait, this is the best song nominee from that Felicity movie that sucked. Never mind.
9:29 - Owen Wilson is so depressing on the medication he's taking to keep from killing himself that they should have had him introducing Best Documentary.
9:30 - Is it me, or does Bee from "Bee Movie" have the same hair as John Travolta?
9:38 - I want Ruby Dee to punch Tilda Swinton out. That's all.
9:39 - Actually, that is not all. I understand that you're this year's Serious British Actress, but that is no reason to take a damn backdrop from the window at Hot Topic and wear it as a dress. I hope Helen Mirrin sits you down and has a come to Jesus meeting with you, Tilda.
9:48 - I've got to develop my Scottish accent. That way I too can not bother to shave for a formal event and look like a starving rat, and still get laid like crazy. Thanks for the tip, James McAvoy.
9:53 - I'm not sure what's more shocking: that Miley Cyrus is on the Oscars, or that Billy Ray didn't horn his way onto that too.
9:54 - I adore Kristen Chenoweth, but I have to wonder how it is that "9 to 5" lost the best song Oscar and this crap from "Enchanted" got a nomination. It's a tribute to Chenoweth's appeal that I don't want to hit her with a shovel right now.
10:13 - Do you get the feeling that the Best Actress award was a bit of a "fuck you" to the Bush administration? It's the Freedom Oscars, y'all!
10:20 - I can't see Colin Ferrell anymore without thinking "I could eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner right here!" You'll only get that joke if you surf for deeply inappropriate video online, in which case shame on you!
10:31 - I'm glad to see the FDA decided that Botox has no ill effects on a fetus. Otherwise Nikki Kidman would be looking like Karl Malden right about now.
10:37 - Right now Calista Flockhart and Catherine Zeta Jones are watching this honorary Oscar winner and seeing their near-future flash before their eyes.
10:44 - Foreign films? Come on Hollywood, you're either with us or against us.
10:46 - The writers of the original songs from "Hairspray" made two mistakes that caused them not to get any nominations for Best Song. 1) Having someone sing the song that people have ever hear of, and 2) Not testing the songs on diabetics to see if they put the testees into a sugar coma.
10:49 - His Ron Popeil spray hair is making me question all those gay rumors about Travolta.
10:58 - Scene at Cameron Diaz's seamstress's home: "What do you have to make my hips look huge, my boobs look non-existent, and my ass like I've just taken a dump? Oh that's perfect, I'll take it. I think I'll wear a ponytail with it since all I'm doing is presenting at the Oscars."
11:01 - It is funny to hear Hillary Swank talk about the giants of cinema and not mean her teeth.
11:12 - I'm concerned that having our military servicemen on the Oscars will trigger a Don't Ask Don't Tell investigation.
11:17 - You know, I have sat through this entire evening of people dressing blandly so they won't be talked about badly, of people not going off the cue cards, and how am I rewarded? They can't even put Michael Moore up on stage to act a fool and piss people off. Dammit.
11:25 - I wonder how it would look if you bejeweled Jackee Harry's nightgown? Ahhhh, not good Ms Diablo Cody. And yet I adore her. Go figure.
11:32 - Daniel Day Lewis, bless his heart, is the male Bjork of the Oscars. You can always count on him to have an ignorant-assed outfit to give horrible people like me something to talk about. He could still get it, though, even if it is only on the basis of how hot he was in "My Beautiful Lauderette."
11:45 - Denzel, I do not care for the Ving Rames look on you. Please grow your hair back immediately. Thank you.
11:47 - So, this may go down in history as the most boring Oscars ever, at least in terms of fashion (I rather liked Jon Stewart I must say). I can see being so terrified of being called out by Joan Rivers that you hire a stylist to turn you into generic celebrity, but come on, Debbie Matenopoulous does those post-Oscars commentary things now. She's dumber than a sack of hammers, who cares what she or a bitch like me thinks? Much as I loathed Tilda's outfit, I salute her for trying something off-the-wall. I'd rather be loathed than forgotten any day. Good night, y'all!