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Monday, December 29, 2008

Introducing Ginsburg

We have a new resident here at Trading Faces. Ladies, gentlemen, gentlemen dressed as ladies, ladies dressed as womyn...please welcome Ginsburg.

"Psst! Ginsburg! Look this way."

"Good boy!"

Yes, you are seeing right. That's a dog. A 7-month old shih tzu to be exact, named for her honor, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (because I am that much of a nerd). We have officially given in to Puppy Fever here at Trading Faces. We're positive the late Franklin would not approve. We know from experience that Truman does not approve as he has hardly come out of hiding since Ginsburg came home yesterday from a family with a toddler who treated him like a rag doll. We also know Sly, the resident HBIC, does not approve as he pimp slapped Ginsburg within 30 seconds of his arrival.

At any rate, Ginsburg is settling in nicely. We didn't get out to buy a crate to begin his crate training (his previous family let him run wild), so he spent today in the bathroom while Craiggers was at work and I did my public service project for school. I'd post a photo of those results (which were entirely my fault because any non-rookie knows you don't leave them home all day in the bathroom), but I seriously doubt any of my tens of readers care to see a mishmash of dirty towels, a door that appears to have been attacked by a rhino, shredded bathroom literature, and poop. Instead I'll leave you with a photo of his reaction to his handiwork.

How is it that I end up with pets that are totally cute and evil bastards?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Ina Garten Da Vida

Well, after a semester of few posts, I am just Chatty Cathy today. And I have yet to even get to my bitchery about the loathsome bigot Rev. Rick Warren at the presidential inaugaration!

I am nothing if not a man of obsessions. For example, I am completely obsessed with Fiestaware to the point that I take pieces of it to Home Depot for color matching whenever painting a room in my house.

Thanksgiving dining room in scarlet.

I am obsessed with the cinematic classic "Mommie Dearest" to such an extent that rarely a day goes by that I don't remind someone that this isn't my first time at the rodeo.

"I've fought worse monsters than you for years in law school. I know how to win the hard way."

But for the past year, more than most things (Fiesta aside), I am obsessed with Ina Garten, Food Network's Barefoot Contessa.

Now at first glance, I assumed Ms. Garten might not be my cup of tea, much in the same way I respect the talent and drive of Martha Stewart, but find her to be WAY too much to take. The Hamptons house, zipping around in a BMW finding the perfect ingredients...I mean, who lives like that? Watching her interact on her show with her loved ones, though, convinced me she is a genuine and kind friend to the people in her life, and that she has carved out for herself exactly the life that makes her happy. I also enjoy the fact that she is not a typical television host trying so hard to ooze personality. She just seems relaxed, and the events she throws are casual enough that whether you do them as upscale as she often does or as downscale as I might on my student budget, people are going to enjoy themselves.

Oh yeah, and her food is EFFING AMAZING!

My beloved pretend ex-wife, Katie, first pointed out that the original Barefoot Contessa cookbook is essential to every kitchen. When Katie talks about food, I listen, so I bought it and have yet to go wrong. It is now to the point, though, that if you come to my home for dinner, you are more than likely going to have an Ina meal. I made my own vanilla extract because she taught me how. I dream of her kitchen, stocked with Fiesta. I haven't gotten to the point of wearing smock-ish shirts and referring to Craiggers as "Jeffrey," but I fear I am not far from it. Like I said, I'm a wee bit obsessed.

When I am stressed about school, cooking calms me down. It allows me to focus on something else that needs my concentration. I also love to entertain and show my appreciation of my loved ones with food, so when my friends enjoy my food, it is the ultimate compliment. Ina's books and shows have taken that to a whole new level. And when her hunky pal T.R. makes an appearance on the show, well, that is just the buttercream on the cake.

The Weekly Cheese

The verdict is in for part five of our six part saga known here on Trading Faces as law school, and I have the same problem I always have, a problem that a few of my friends would probably like to beat me down for whining about. I left my Evidence exam thinking I got a C, or maybe even a D. I got a B+. I left my Criminal Procedure exam thinking I had knocked it out of the park. I got a B+. This semester brought two B's, two B+s, and an A in Sexual Orientation and the Law (because if I can't get an A in a seminar course about legal issues of my people, I don't deserve to be in law school). I've only ever dipped below a B once, and I've only ever gotten above it a couple of times. Which is bad in graduate school, and generally quite good in law school (unless you happen to go to one of those law schools that grade-inflate, an ever-increasing phenomenon it seems). At any rate, I will likely graduate with a very good GPA next semester, but without honors. Phooey.

Oh well, at least I am finally near graduation! If you know of job openings in the legal field, please pass them my way!

In honor of my very steady even-keeled performance at the B level, please take time to appreciate the brilliance that is the world's greatest party band, performing their much under-appreciated track "Give Me Back My Man" live in the 80s.

The Passing of a Bitchy Kitty

Thanksgiving eve while I was editing my paper for the gay law seminar I took this semester, my kitty Franklin came into the dining room acting odd. He was breathing from his mouth and drooling, and making a weird cough noise. Earlier he had messed in the floor around his food dish, which is very odd for him. When I picked him up, he yowled, and I could tell he had wet himself as well. We went to the emergency vet clinic, and it turns out he had cardiomyopathy, and likely had an aortic thromboembolism in his rear legs. Basically he had congestive heart failure and blood clots in his legs. The legs were ice cold and his temperature was very low. The vet gave almost no chance of recovery, so I made the very difficult decision to have him put to sleep. It was a pretty terrible evening, but we are getting by. I stayed with him during the event and saw him off, then buried him in a flower bed behind the house Thanksgiving morning.

Franklin was a Persian mix shelter kitty, and has always been a little neurotic over the year and a half I've had him, but the vets never found any health problems before now. His vet estimated that he was around five years old. He hated to be held, and if you insisted on doing it anyway, he would glare as though he wanted nothing more than to stab you in the face. In fact, he always kind of looked that way, in addition to bearing a striking resemblance to Wilford Brimley. He was a cranky little asshole, and I miss him terribly.

Lazy Days of Christmas

I caught a bit of flack from a dear friend because I put my tree up this year a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving. You see, my final exams come immediately after Thanksgiving, so it is impractical to put my tree up after the food orgy. If I wait until after finals, I only have a couple of weeks to enjoy all the sparkle, and y'all know how much I love my sparkle. So the tree has been up for quite some time.

Admit it, you expected something much more Vegas, didn't you? Okay, will this wreath satisfy you?

Granted, this has been the only thing I've been proactive about thus far since I finished exams, unless you count making a lot of delicious fatty food for Craiggers and I prior to our post-New Year push to be gay skinny before we get hitched. And so I'm taking the easy way out yet again by stealing a blog meme from Trading Faces pal/long lost twin sister, Val:

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? It depends on the gift. Somethings are just impossible to wrap, plus the Trading Faces nephews and niece prefer the satisfying feeling of tearing into that paper. Granted, we have started screwing with them by putting their gifts into other boxes. Few things are more entertaining than seeing a 5-year-old girl's dejection when she thinks her favorite uncle has bought her some Fiestaware, only to discover a pretty pink Hannah Montana dress inside. Yeah, I'm a jerk.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial, both because I don't want the cleanup, and because I am engaged to Allergy Boy. I'm sure if we had a real tree, he'd lay around on the sofa like a dying swan complaining about his sinuses. An artificial tree makes us all happier.

3. When do you put up the tree? See above.

4. When do you take the tree down? After my New Year's Eve hangover has passed.

5. Do you like eggnog? Not even if it is 50% booze.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? A boatload of books and a bookshelf to hold them.

7 . Hardest person to buy for? My mother. The woman seriously has NO hobbies!

8. Easiest person to buy for? Craiggers because he keeps his Amazon wishlist up-to-date at all times just in case I magically come into a lot of money. I also always have the option of going to a video store and asking for the latest movie featuring teens getting hacked to pieces. Ick.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I have never managed to get it together to mail out Christmas cards.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Try smiling when accepting a bottle of $5 cologne. I think I still have the lines in my face.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, except for the happy ending.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I have bought nothing this year. Things are not financially prosperous at the Trading Faces house this year. Here's hoping that this time next year I will be a gainfully employed attorney who can go bananas making up for the past three paltry years.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, but typically only for White Elephant exchanges at parties and such. Or my sister-in-law.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas ? I love a good holiday brunch. I love breakfast food in general, but I really love a brunch. We used to have one every year that involved me cooking like a maniac for a week. Once I even featured a waffle bar. Yes, I am too much.

16. Lights on the tree? Yes, clear with no twinkle. I'm going to start adding trees next year, my next one being a white tree with blue lights and decorations in hot pink, chartreuse, and turquoise.

17. Favorite Christmas song? I always claim my favorite Christmas song is "I'd Like You For Christmas" by Julie London. In reality, my two favorites are "Last Christmas" by Wham and "Christmas in Hollis" by Run D.M.C.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We typically drive east to Appalachia to visit my family. One of these days we're going to send out a notice that I-64 runs in both directions, park our butts at home, and have everyone visit us instead.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Yes, and I can re-name them too.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? I have a ceramic gold star, but I'm looking for something a bit more flashy without a lot of religious overtones. My friend Marc uses an African-American Barbie in a white gown with wings and hair teased out like Diana Ross. I feel so boring by comparison.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Craig and I get so excited that we're lucky to make it to Christmas eve.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? While I enjoy discovering what everyone is doing via Christmas newsletters, I can't help but think you're probably leaving out the best dirt.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Fiesta ornaments, of course!

24. Favorite Christmas dinner? Christmas morning at mom's with biscuits and gravy.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? World peace and an early Bush resignation. Perhaps that will gain me enough good karma to get a KitchenAid artisan stand mixer in tangerine and an iPhone.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Put on your big girl panties and quit your crying!

There was an interesting article in yesterday's L.A. Times about Hollywood types who donated to the Yes on Prop 8 campaign and are now being ostracized and in some cases boycotted because those donations are public. Now, I would vigorously defend their right to donate to that cause. But this whining they're doing now is ridiculous. You're not being still have all your rights. If you want to believe I don't have equal rights, then put on your big girl panties, quit your crying and stand behind your donation! Please, by all means Mr. CEO of Cinemark, donate $9,999 to make sure I can't get married in California. It is okay that you don't support me. But don't cry when I don't support your theaters, or when I tell all of my friends not to support your theaters.

Sheesh! And these people think that gays are a bunch of sissies!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Sadie Sadie Married Lady

I threw a small soiree last night for mostly law school folks to either celebrate or drown our sorrows. Fortunately it was a celebration, and in more ways than one.

I'm engaged.


So here's how it went down: We had popped the champagne when Ohio was called for Obama because we knew that meant it was over. We continued celebrating for when CNN officially called the night for Obama, and during his speech. We were all crying and shouting for joy. I hugged Craig and said something or other to him, at which point he turned to me, got down on his knees, and asked if I would marry him. More tears of joy!

Obviously I said yes. Apparently he was planning to ask on our anniversary, but he said it just seemed like the right moment.

So, while votes were being counted showing that a slim majority of Californians think I don't have basic civil rights (at least when prompted by millions in Mormon money), I was busy getting engaged. I have a prediction that Prop 8 in California is going to go down because the Supremes out there ruled that marriage was a fundamental right under Equal Protection in their constitution. To take that away would mean a revision to their constitution, not an amendment, and would require a 2/3 majority in the legislature calling a constitutional congress. Hope springs eternal, eh? Regardless, Massachusetts will likely get our meager wedding dollars, probably sometime this summer. I can honestly say I am about the happiest I have ever been right at this moment.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Miss You Much

My friend Becky blogged this week about her adventures in sweet potato cornbread. Cornbread...mmmmm. I was already missing my grandmother Rebecca today because every time I hear some interesting political tidbit (every five minutes in this season), I want to call her, but the cornbread made me want to call her that much more. She passed last December. I often still forget I can't call her anymore.

I lived out in New Mexico from 1997 to 2000, and I got a craving for her cornbread while I was 2,500 miles away, as she made the only cornbread I ever really loved. It was crispy on the outside, and not at all cake-like on the inside. My grandfather used to like it with soup beans or as a snack broken up into a glass of buttermilk. She was of the school that did not believe in measuring, so when I called her to ask for her recipe, she couldn't give it to me as there was no recipe. To satisfy my craving, she made a few batches of it to figure out a recipe. Don't tell my mom, but mine is totally better than hers as a result. The secret is pre-heating the cast iron skillet with a little bit of oil in the oven so that when you pour the batter in, it gets a nice crisp on the outside. And no sugar in the cornbread. It is not cake.

Rebecca Young's Crispy Cornbread

Self-rising corn meal, 2 cups
Self-rising flour, 1/2 cup
Egg, 1
Baking soda, 1/2 tsp.
Vegetable oil

Put about a tablespoon of vegetable oil in a cast iron skillet. Preheat oven to 425 degrees with the cast iron skillet in the oven. Combine all the ingredients in a bowl, and add just enough buttermilk to give the mixture the consistency of pancake batter. Pour the batter into the hot skillet and bake for 20-25 minutes. Turn the cornbread out onto a plate, crispy side up.

Love. Soft as an easy chair.

Today is Write to Marry Day, a day when bloggers around the world post in opposition to the hateful Proposition 8 in California. Right now a small group of bigots with a LOT of funding, largely from the Mormon church, are attempting to re-write the constitution in California to make sure people like me are specifically noted as being less worthy of basic civil rights. Now, for those of you who know me and perhaps have not talked with me in a while, let me give you a little shock:

I really really really want to get married.

I know, until the past year or so, I have stated that it wasn't for me, that I'm happy the way things are in my life and see no need to change it. Well, I've changed, and I'm even happier for it. I'm ready to make The Commitment (no comment from Craiggers...we're in discussions on this, nothing definite yet, though I think it is safe to say he's pretty happy too). I've found the love of my life, I'm in it for the long haul, and I just don't get why people think it is appropriate to put my relationship up for a vote on a ballot measure.

I'd like to challenge you to give me one good reason why I should not be able to marry the partner of my choice, the man with whom I have shared my life for going on eight years. And it can't involve religion...this is not Iran, churches are not in charge of our government. What drives me bananas about the people who put these ballot measures up is that if they really wanted to protect marriage, where are the ballot measures to ban divorce? Or marriage on reality television? Or Pamela Anderson? I mean seriously people, if my relationship somehow threatens the sanctity of your marriage, then your marriage has far bigger problems that two queers living in a colorful ramshackle house with a menagerie of cats.

Bottom line: if you know someone in California, call them or e-mail them, and tell them how much it would mean to you if they vote No on Prop 8. If they are voting yes, ask them why, and ask them what threat I pose to their lives that they would want to make me a second class citizen. Even though I'm here in Kentucky, a state that is not likely to willingly recognize my potential future marriage, if I have learned anything in law school it is that the California courts are among the most influential in the country. Their precedent is often followed for years to come, and as the most populous state in the nation, it is important that they set our national example for equality. Call your friends in Cali. The staff here at Trading Faces thank you for it.

Love. Soft as an easy chair.

Big Brother: Presidential Edition

Former Secretary of State/Right on Sister Madeline Albright tonight on The Rachel Maddow Show: "The next president can expect the unexpected." Does that mean running the nation is like competing in Big Brother? Because if so, I want in on that veto competition. Seriously, if it is an endurance competition, I can totally take McCain, and you know he can't get by on Big Brother slop. Julie Chen for Secretary of Defense!

Best political insight of the day: Joe of Joe My God, who suggested that Florida Governor/Big Gay Tangerine Charlie Crist extended early voting hours in Florida today because he's still mad that he pretended to like the kitty cat in order to get the v.p. nod, and got snubbed by McCain for Caribou Barbie. It would be even funnier if Republican strategists weren't openly admitting that suppressing voter turnout is part of the strategy for winning, and has been for years. Stick that in your ACORN and smoke it, McSame!

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Weekly Cheese: The Dirty Talk Express

In my previous life before becoming a law student, I was in management at a local utility company. My job was to use data analysis of various factors to determine how many people we needed on the phones at any given 15-minute interval, and to place them there. Are you still wondering why I returned to school?

At any rate, at one point my office was out on the floor of the call center, placing me in earshot of some of our employees, one of whom had a voice that carried. Regina was a sweet grandmotherly-type and an excellent employee. My favorite moment at that company stemmed from the fact that Regina was able to remain professional in the face of extreme absurdity. I cannot say the same for myself when I overheard her discussing some pay-per-view charges being disputed by a customer. Please imagine, if you will, your grandmother having this discussion with a completely straight face:

"Sir, according to your account, I see that you were charged for 'Big Black Boobies' on Thursday at 3:15am. The previous Tuesday, you were charged for 'Slap That Ass' at 2:30am, and before that you were charged for 'Booty Patrol 3'."

At this point I am standing by her desk, tears streaming down my face and completely falling out. Because let's be real, there are few things in life funnier than a sweet old person using dirty language. And that is why today, our Cheese video feature is dedicated to an American treasure, Ms. Betty White. She is a genius, and I won't have a thing said against her. Here Betty is being interviewed by Craig Ferguson in her capacity as a speech writer for John McCain, and she gets a little salty regarding the Dan Quayle of Alaska, Bible Spice herself, Sarah Palin:

Educating Sarah

Sweet fancy Moses, I effing hate Sarah Palin.

I know, hate is a rather strong word, but she really does represent everything that is wrong with modern government, from the hypocrisy to the outright lies about her opponents to the glorification of lack of intelligence as being "one of the people." So yes, I hate her. But what I REALLY hate about her is the idea that her nomination is somehow a historic moment for women, something my niece will someday view as a transformation for women in politics. Sarah Palin is a step back for women because she has no idea what sexism actually is as she demonstrated yesterday on the campaign trail with View hostess/professional nitwit Elizabeth Hasselback.

Now I realize that this is not terribly surprising for a variety of reasons. What can we really expect her to know considering that she is STILL unaware of the constitutional mandates on the job to which she aspires? And, can we really expect her to understand sexism when her running mate votes against equal pay for equal work (see Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act)? It probably is raising expectations a bit high for the governor. So, in an act of generosity and civic duty, here is a bit of advice and education for Ms. Palin.

1. Having Elizabeth Hasselbeck stump for you is not a good move, even if she does make you look like a genius by comparison. Surely you can do better when looking for young enthusiastic female conservatives than someone who is famous for losing a reality game show and losing arguments with Whoopi Goldberg. Call CNN contributor Amy Holmes, or perhaps that nice Kennedy who used to be on MTV. I bet she isn't busy at all.

2. If an interviewer asked Joe Biden about Darfur, then turned and asked you who did your hair, that would be sexist (though I daresay you'd do better on the hair question). If GQ put you on their hot woman list while talking about the policies of Obama, that would be sexist. However, if you paint your opponents as elitists, portray yourself as Joann Six-Pack, and then spend $150,000 of campaign donor money on clothes and hair, it is not sexist to point out that you are a hypocrite. It is just being honest. No one is focusing on your clothes...well, no one except the mouth-breathers on right-wing blogs who are hot for you. They are focusing on how your clothing expenditures do not jive with your campaign statements. This is not a complex concept, even for you.

People hold women in politics to a completely different standard of appearance without a doubt. Some turn it to their advantage in a positive way (Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit was without a doubt the best line Hillary had the whole campaign). Some ignore it and work for the day when it no longer exists, creating opportunity to raise women up. Palin has chosen to use it to her advantage in a negative manner by claiming it where it does not exist. Crying sexism every time her political and personal choices are questioned is a pathetic attempt to deflect attention from all the things she does not know, and it is far more harmful to equal treatment of women than the lambasting of feminists that she spouts every chance she gets.

This is all also proof that I clearly should not have CNN or MSNBC on while I'm trying to read for class.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Real Debate

This election is taking over my life, and so I recorded last night's debate and spent my time having a real debate with some friends over wine and sweet Italian turkey sausage lasagna: Who deserved to win last night's Project Runway finale?

It sure as hell wasn't Kenley, because this hot mess was TERRIBLE. It looked like she was designing for Alexis Carrington Colby's sofa. Just terrible. But I'm sure she blames it all on having been a rude ass biatch to Uncle Tim.

I think either Korto or Leanne could have won easily...they were both spectacular in completely different ways. Korto is far more commercial and she addresses bodies in a way that most designers do not. She is needed in the industry. Leanne's sculptural aesthetic is so different than everything out there, and I think her collection and items from the rest of the season show she has potential for a more innovative career in high fashion than Korto. Those waves in all her clothes were just amazing. I would have been happy if either one won. If I were backed into a corner, I think I'd go for innovation more than commercial appeal, and would choose Leanne, but only be a hair.

I was thinking last night about something the judges said about Korto being pigeon-holed, and I have a real problem with it. They really have the dying view that European is the standard in fashion, ignoring the rest of the world. Christian's aesthetic last year was completely European, and they went nuts for that. Korto's clothes had only a slight nod to African style, and suddenly they are too limited? Please people, widen your world view. I'll say it again, Korto is someone who is very much needed in the fashion industry.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Cheese

This edition of The Cheese was inspired by vice presidential nominee/maverick/Karen Walker impersonator, Sarah "Bible Spice" Palin. You see, the crowds she is drawing with their Curious George dolls as Obama and shouts to kill him inadvertently gave me the solution to our economic crisis.

Tax the stupid people.

We will be back in black in a matter of months just by passing the hat at those rallies.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Debate #2

Winner winner chicken dinner for Team Obama tonight! Two things really struck me about tonight's debate:

1. McCain wonders around the stage exactly like Sophia from "The Golden Girls." Seriously, when he was puttering around behind Obama while he was talking, doing his peepaw shuffle, I was absolutely DYING for a piece of cheesecake out on the lanai.

2. The one good thing about McCain is that whenever he's on television, for some reason all the neighborhood children get off my lawn.

Like most of America, I agree Obama won, but not on substance. Don't get me wrong, I agreed with him on most everything. I thought his substance was good, and that he edged McCain there to some extent. But neither of them went out on a limb and stated any bold new ideas that showed great leadership. Good leadership, perhaps, but not great.

Where Obama won was on style, the kind of style that conveys confidence in the electorate that someone is ready to be president. He can seem a bit distant, and I was complaining to friends that he missed opportunities to connect. He could have taken his statements on sacrificing to save energy and talked about what his own family does (for example, their only car is an American-made hybrid). He doesn't tend to do that. When he was talking health care, though, he talked about his mom and her financial difficulties when she had terminal cancer, and then connected it directly to the problems with our health industry. That was great, and he needs to do that more to show people that he really gets it. Contrast that with McCain attacking, versus Obama hitting back from the attacks and then immediately pivoting to what he would do about whatever was the issue at hand. It was effective, and I think people will really like it.

Finally, McCain to be blunt looked like he had a stroke five minutes before the debate. He shuffled around that stage like an old man, grimaced constantly, and made some really nutty statements ("That one"? Are you kidding me with that condescending shit?!). At one point he was shuffling around behind Obama while Obama was talking, and he looked like he was a nursing home patient who escaped. It didn't help that he kept referring to people and events in the 80s that half the audience doesn't remember. He looked old, he looked like the past, and on that alone, he lost big tonight. He is a 20th century man who is not prepared to be president in the 21st century.

While I'm on a roll here, I want to make a couple of points or three about this terrorist claptrap that has been spread like manure for the past two days by the McCain campaign.

1. Obama was on a charity board with a rehabilitated radical. Sarah Palin goes to bed every night with someone who advocated secession from the United States. Glass igloos, hockey puck. Glass igloos.

2. When someone shouts "Kill him" or "Terrorist" in front of Palin or McCain in reference to their opponent and they say NOTHING, it shows exactly the people they are. Of course, this is no surprise for McCain since he let a supporter refer to Hillary Clinton as a bitch at a town hall earlier this year, and did nothing but grin. Really classy there, peepaw.

3. The Clintons are the most effective political team of the past 50 years. If there were real Muslim or terrorist connections for Obama, they would have found them and ran him out of the race. CNN spent upwards of six figures investigating Obama's past and found NOTHING. Anyone who seriously believes that Barack Obama is a terrorist or some sort of Muslim Manchurian candidate at this point believes it because they want to believe it. I'm not saying why they want to believe it...only they can answer that. But they are believing it because if they don't, they will have to admit there is some other reason they don't want to vote for someone who probably serves their interests far better than a man who has helped drive our economy into the ground and put our security at risk via terrible decisions.

Good night, folks! Law school is still kicking my butt, and I'm afraid this election is going to make me flunk out...I need some Project Runway to lighten things up!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Separated At Birth 2: The YouTube Edition

I hate Sarah Palin. Every time she opens her mouth, I want to hit her in the face with a rake. The idiocy that she spews makes me ill, like her complete willingness to go into Russia with guns blazing, or her contention that the jury is out on what causes global warming.

That said, one would think I would at least like the sound of her voice. Because it seems she stole it from one of my favorite character actresses ever:

Cute stuff. And far more intelligent than these idiotic musings:

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Separated At Birth

Karen! Is that you?!

"Honey, what's this about? What's going on here? I thought we talked about those butter teeth of yours. Have Cindy pick you up some Crest Whitestrips the next time she goes in for a fill-up at the drive-thru botox clinic, 'kay?"

Oh wait, that's not beloved gay icon Karen Walker! That's rancid gay-hating conservative wackadoo VP candidate Sarah Palin! It's an easy mistake, though. Same hairpiece, same amount of qualifications for the job.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

America's Next Top Cat Model

If you think there are cat fights on Ty Ty's set, you haven't seen a diva fit until you've seen an episode of the hottest new reality show, "America's Next Top Cat Model." Here's a recap of this week's episode, the creative headwear challenge:

Sly lost points for not smiling with his eyes, and for trying to mate with Tyra's wig. I'm sorry Sly, you are not America's Next Top Cat Model.

Franklin, you are working your jungle realness, but biting Miss Jay won't get you anywhere in the cat modeling industry. You are not America's Next Top Cat Model.

While plus-size models are not normally our thing, Truman has the haughty glamour that sells products. Congratulations Truman! Meanwhile, the show producers plan to sleep with one eye open for the next few weeks.

Who says you can't have a good time for less than $3.00?

Thursday, July 03, 2008


My phone died about six months ago, so I was forced to get a new one. Since I knew the 3G iPhone I have waited for, the second generation model on the better network, would be released sometime this year, I bought a cheapo refurbished Motorola Blackjack to suffice in the mean time. I can't really afford the new iPhone when it is released next week since I had to get new glasses this week for my old pepaw eyes, but was planning to get one in August. That is until I saw how AT&T is going to screw me over for the price of the 16GB model:

New AT&T Customers buying an iPhone: $299
Old AT&T Customers who haven't bought a phone in ages: $299
Old AT&T Customers who have had to replace broken equipment: $499

Seriously. $499. Fuck them. I'm giving consideration to "moving" to my mother's house where no reception is available, voiding my contract, switching to Verizon, and trying to get an unlocked iPhone 3G on the down-low, even if it exceeds AT&T's fuckover price. If this is how I'm treated for spending more money with them over the last seven years I've been a customer than most of the people eligible for a $200 savings, they can suck it.

The sad thing is, in making a nuisance of myself to them in an effort to get my way I am having to torment some poor schlub who makes a terrible wage and has to deal with the consequences of bad corporate decision-making. I know because I've been there. I worked for Sprint maybe 9 years ago, and it was terrible because they had so very little regard for their customers.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

We Judge Things

I love to take surveys, not because I particularly want to be helpful, but because I think my opinion is far better than yours. That is also why I can tell you without the slightest hesitation that you must buy the following music that is currently in heavy rotation on the Trading Faces IPod:

Rockferry, Duffy

Do you like Amy Winehouse? If you don't, get the hell off my blog! If you do, then you might find Duffy appealing. They both have this fantastic twist on a 60s sound, though the similarities end there. Think of Amy as the bad girl Ronnie Spector to Duffy's moody drama with crystalline perfection Dusty Springfield. The first sinigle, "Mercy," is a bouncy and soulful little ditty, but the rest of the album is far more somber and introspective. There isn't a bad song on this gem. It's no "Back to Black," but it is pretty easily the best thing I have purchased in 2008.

Bring Ya To The Brink, Cyndi Lauper

She's back, and we're happy to have her around! I love love love this CD, and if you like dance pop, you will too. Cyndi's new musical direction takes her old quirky and sassy lyrical content and sets it to an edgy beat. Imagine if you had the music Madonna has put out lately (more on that in a moment), but with a sense of humor and a bit more humanity (because I love Madge, but you can't imagine that she's a particularly friendly lady). Shake your butt to her new single, "Into The Nightlife."

Funplex, The B-52s

I've been a fan of The B-52s since about 1986, and had the good fortune to see them earlier this summer here in The Ville. Every one of them is 50+ years old, and except for Fred, they all look younger than me. Bitches. There isn't anything on this album that is as commercial as "Love Shack," but several of the songs will easily be among my favorite tunes by the World's Greatest Party Band. Perhaps one of their top 3 albums they have made. The title track is the first single, but my favorite on the album is the surf rock guitar of "Pump," which was featured on Showtime's "The L Word."

Hard Candy, Madonna

Oh Madonna, goddess of the gays, how many ways do I love thee? I recently put the remastered version of her self-titled debut back into circulation, and it is amazing how she and Shannon really were the blueprint for club music for years after the death of disco. That album really holds up. We'll see how well this one does. Don't get me wrong, I really love it. I'm just not so sure that in a few years it won't be completely dated. That's what happens when you bring on producers who sort of define a particular time in sound like Timbaland. The first single, "Four Minutes," is fantastic, the only problem with it is that it could have been recorded by Rhianna, Beyonce, Ciara, or anyone else for that matter. Usually when Madge collaborates, she takes a bit of someone's sound but makes it distinctively her. She gets lost in this and a few other tracks that are undoubtedly brilliant pop. Best song on the album is the one I dreaded most, "Beat Goes On," her duet with Kanye West, which is a little reminiscent of "Car Wash" to me for some reason . I think he's brilliant, but he annoys the hell out of me throwing hissy fits when he doesn't get showered with awards, so I thought this would be another of his massive ego overloads. Never doubt the power of Madonna's ego, though, because this track she completely owns, and she's a fool if she doesn't release it as a single. Final word, it is no "Madonna," "Like a Prayer," or "Ray of Light," but it is good pop music that definitely improves on lesser works like "Erotica," "Bedtime Stories," or "American Life."

Busted Business Bureau

I am normally quite skeptical of the As Seen On TV sorts of products, but I'm telling you, put it up against the iPhone, and the PedEgg wins for product of the year! I bought one a few days ago at Walgreens, and my hooves are as smooth as if I had just gotten a pedi. It is a beauty miracle! My heels in particular were just CRUSTY, and that little egg just zipped it all off like so much dust! Don't walk, run to get one!

An additional benefit of this miracle product...never again worry about running out of parm at a dinner party.

On the other hand (or rather other appendage), the editors here at Trading Faces whole-heartedly condemn the Magic Rings offered up at the sex toy events known as Surprise Parties (which I always thought should be called Fuckerware, but that's just me).

These things are supposed to stretch like jelly, but evidently they are deeply limited in their durability. I won't get too graphic, but let's just say that you should imagine a rubber band breaking and slapping you in a place that should only ever be treated nicely. Avoid them at all costs.

And that's all from the Consumer Affairs division of Trading Faces...looking out for you like the Better Business Bureau after five shots of tequila.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Breaking Up With Keith Olbermann

My imaginary relationship with Anderson Cooper had to end because I can't deal with the closet. Now another silver fox newshound imaginary boyfriend has broken my heart.

Like most progressives, I am an avid Keith Olbermann fan. I enjoy trying to predict each evening what he will call out as the top five stories we will be discussing in the morning. Sometimes I'm right, often I'm wrong because let's face it, such things are for the most part quite subjective.

Sometimes, though, a news story is so big that even when you're busy, you make a specific point of tuning in to get his point of view because there is simply no way it won't make The Countdown. Tonight was such a night for me, and I have to count myself sadly disappointed. Mr. Olbermann, you missed the mark. Sure, Cindy McCain's people plagiarized a cookie recipe. But really, is that more momentous than full equal marriage rights in California? Let me put how big this is into perspective:

As of last night, me, my partner, and millions of Americans are at last equal citizens in 2 of 50 states. One of the ten largest economies in the world made gay folks equal citizens under the law.

Last night I watched the first weddings online, shedding tears of joy with the beautiful Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, two of our foremothers who lost their jobs in the 50s because of their love for one another. I and all other freedom-loving people owe these women a debt of gratitude, and my happiness for them was tempered by my difficulty in finding coverage of their momentous event in the mainstream media that wasn't buried under a dozen other stories. Craiggers was about to go to bed last night when it was finally covered on CNN. I tuned in to Countdown tonight assured that I would see some recognition of how enormous this moment is, only to be disappointed.

This is just one more reason Rachel Maddow needs her own show immediately, preferably replacing the insipid Dan Abrams. I have no doubt that Mr. Olbermann is on my side in this fight. He and so many other members of the media need to be reminded, though, that the rights he may take for granted are quite a big deal to the rest of us. At least a bigger deal than viral videos and wacky criminals.

And now I'm just waiting for that proposal.

Friday, May 09, 2008

A Note From a Hard-Working White Guy

NOTE: Well y'all, after a long break off, I'm officially 2/3 of an attorney. I had hoped to make my come-back post something fun and funny. Then I just got pissed off, so you're in for a rant. Please stay tuned for some fun to return.

I had decided Wednesday that I would no longer make snarky remarks about the Clintons. The election is all but over, the bad behavior will soon be a thing of the past, and now is the time for some much-needed unity because the choices in November are quite clear.

Then Hillary Clinton had to act a fool. Again.

Clinton cited an Associated Press poll "that found how Senator Obama's support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me."

Sometimes I wish our elections were like Showtime at the Apollo. If they were, someone would have chased the Clintons off the stage by now with a very big broom.

Now, despite the fact that I have spent my day today shopping for ties for a pal's wedding and seeing a matinee of "Iron Man" with Craiggers, I think I'm a fairly hard working white American. I don't spend my whole day on my feet like my mama, but I work it when necessary. That pesky college education I earned by working my way through, the education that is apparently keeping me from supporting Sen. Clinton, wasn't necessary for me to know this: Democrats loose white people every election, and have for a couple of generation. Bill Clinton lost white folks. Both times.

There was a time when we called Bill Clinton America's first black president. He just seemed to have a way of relating to people different than him to the point that you felt like he was one of you. That was the way for gay folks too, even though he consistently sold us out once he was elected. Clearly that relationship was a one-way street because the Clintons and their surrogates have shown over and over that black voters are not the party voters who really matter.

The behavior of the Clintons is all the more shocking because statistics show that it was a coalition led by black voters who put Bill Clinton into office. He lost among white voters to both Bush and Dole, just as all Democrats do. So why the Clintons and the pundits devalue the black vote is beyond me.

Black voters turn out to exercise their choice in heavy numbers, and they do so with loyalty to the Democratic party. Instead of trying to lure back the so-called Reagan Democrats (who, newsflash, are not coming back), we should be building the party with voters who will be as consistent and loyal as African Americans have been. And instead of insulting them with claims that the voters who really matter are the mythical white folks of the Clinton coalition, progressive white folks should be thanking the black voters for saving our asses over and over again. The Clintons ought to be offering rides to the polls for black voters with a foot rub afterward. After all, they're the voters who built the legacy that the Clintons are quickly destroying with every ill-advised comment.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

I'm That Guy

Last spring I had to go to campus on a Saturday. Being that it was Saturday, I can park in the faculty parking lot rather than hiking in from Siberia as I do on a weekday (in spite of tuition that is on the level of a new compact car annually). For whatever reason, campus was hopping that day, and there was only one open space in the lot. Located next to a Ford Excursion. A ginormous Ford Excusion parked by Stevie Wonder. I wrenched my back getting out of my Honda Civic, and wrenched it again two hours later when I returned to my car. The rage bubbled up inside me, and for the first time in my life, I left a note on someone's car.

I can assure you it was not the note posted above.

No, it was more salty and to the point. After all, I did major in journalism. I believe in being concise:

If you fuck like you park, you'll never get it in.

And I don't feel bad about it, not one bit. Not just because this driver was piggy with the parking spaces, but because they're piggy with the planet. I say this to friends and foes alike: if you're driving a gas-guzzling SUV in today's world, you are selfish, and need to take a long hard look at yourself. Period. You know what extreme low mileage does to dwindling fossil fuel supplies and to the environment. Clearly you don't care. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

I have a personal policy regarding SUVs, especially Hummers, a vehicle which is an automotive substitute for a gigantic flashing neon sign proclaiming the driver to be an asshole. If you are driving a fuel-inefficient SUV, I will not let you over in traffic. You could probably crush my lovely little Honda of Destiny, but I will not yield. What's more, I will force you to slow down when merging, and I will let cars driven by people who care about the future of the planet in front of me when I know it will slow you down. Just call me the karma police.

All this said, if you made me have to park in a lot that's a mile away because you don't understand the mechanics of getting a metal box between two yellow lines, I'm leaving a note on your vehicle. I don't care if you're driving a horse and buggy. I'm that guy.

The Weekly Cheese: Kylie Edition

I love Sinead O'Connor. Her first album was genius, and her big breakthrough "I Do Not Want What I Have Not Got" (containing the big hit) is one of my ten favorite albums of all time. Earlier this week, Sinead said she would rather take a bullet than listen to Kylie Minogue.

Oh hell naw!

Now, I understand that it is fluffy, but my tens of readers know I love some Kylie Minogue. In fact, I've had her on permanent rotation this week. Sure, Sinead is more musically talented. But these serious musicians for the most part could not put together a catchy and escapist pop song to save their lives. It is a skill...just ask the billionaire members of ABBA. So, in tribute to the Princess of Pop, this week's installment of The Weekly Cheese pays tribute to Australia's favorite daughter.

Disclaimer: No grouchy Irish songstresses were harmed in the making of this blog post.

Live at the Brit Awards, "Can't Get Blue Monday Out of My Head" featuring the fiercest boots this side of Nancy Sinatra.

"Better the Devil You Know," classic Kylie circa 1990

Hot song and nearly nekkid boys, "Red Blooded Woman" live from the "Showgirl" tour.

The German-only release (which explains the high-cheese content of the video) of the Village People-inspired "Your Disco Needs You."

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Live Blogging the Oscars

5:50 – Want proof that E! spent too much on Ryan Peecrust’s contract? I give you E! fashion commentator, Kim KardASSian. I can almost smell the dried semen from here.

6:00 – Speaking of Ryan, I haven’t seen a tuxedo that ugly since my father’s second wedding in 1978. Sadly, I was wearing it.

6:13 – Kimora Lee Simmons just called the Juno girl plain. That’s like having a tranny hooker tell you to be a little more sexually adventurous.

6:24 – Heidi Klum, amazing! Though if Sissy Bear had sent that down the runway, she probably would have called it too retro.

6:28 – Amy Ryan (“Gone Baby Gone”) looks a little dull in her Calvin Klein. Mr. Klein must still be spending too much time pretending to be strayt, which has turned him into Donna Karen. At least Amy looks thrilled to be there. It’s always nice to see someone really excited about their good fortune instead of some of these sour-ass jaded bitches.

6:34 – Clooney’s daughter is shockingly pretty, but really doesn’t look much like him. It’s so nice of her to escort her dad to the Oscars.

6:46 – Being someone who doesn’t tan, I’ve never been one to call out someone as looking ill, and I won’t be doing it tonight because I’m afraid Anne Hathaway will come find me and feast on my blood.

6:58 – Daniel Day Lewis must have told someone to wake him up before they go go.

7:02 – It is possible that the McDermott family has the best hair in the history of hair.

7:06 – I used to make fun of John Travolta’s 90s boy band wig. I’d like for him to bring it back. Please.

7:07 – The fact that Marisa Tomei and Helen Hunt have Oscars seem to have given hope to The Rock. Bless his heart. He cleans up nicely.

7:11 – Amy Adams is so pretty. You’d think she’d know better than to get her dress at Contempo Casual back in 1990. Don’t you need boobies to wear a cone bra top?

7:12 – Trading Faces guest commentators Andy and Becca are with us this evening. Andy has already threatened to throw me out of my own house for insulting Marisa Tomei.

7:19 – Just when you thought life couldn’t get any worse for Gary Busey, he gets dismissed by Ryan Seacrest.

7:27 – I know Marion Cottiliard is French. That’s no excuse to dress like the Little Albino Mermaid.

7:34 – What’s the hottest accessory on the red carpet? According to Jessica Alba, it is a scrub.

7:36 – Agreement at last…we all agree we would murder each other for the opportunity to sleep with Javier Bardem.

7:38 – I think I just scared my guests by threatening to beat Cameron Diaz to a bloody pulp for wearing a pony tail on the red carpet. Clearly they don’t understand just how important these things are.

7:41 – I would comment on Tilda Swinson’s dress, but I’m afraid she might cast a jelly-legs jinx on me. Avada Kedavra, Tilda!

7:42 – I have a problem with men who show up to the Oscars without having shaved. That said, I have seen Colin Ferrell naked. He can wear his hair however he damn well pleases.

7:49 – Ellen Page, thank you for being a friend. Travelled down the road and back again. After the Oscars, how about we go have some cheesecake out on the lanai.

7:51 – Becca’s hair is maybe three inches long, and even she asked, “What the fuck did Renee Zellweger do to her hair?!” I’m wondering if she went into the salon and said, “Give me the Jane from Melrose Place”?

7:53 – Viggo Mortenson used to be a poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed. Now that he’s moved on up to Beverly, he should get a haircut.

7:58 – I’d comment on all the end stuff, but Becca and I are about to throw down over Katherine Heigel’s hair. She went off on it, not realizing I used to have that as a wig.

8:01 – When did Regis Philbin become Bob Barker?

8:14 – What queen did Mrs. Daniel Day Lewis insult that he dressed her like a Christmas doorknocker?

8:15 – Cameron Diaz looks nice from the front. Then she turns around and looks like she dropped a load into her diaper.

8:17 – I’m so impressed that Regis’s granddaughter has managed to be in the bleachers for that many years.

8:19 – SCREAM! Tilda Swinson needs to stay off my damn television. I have neighbors and don’t need Becca screaming like a white woman every time she pops onto screen.

8:24 – Ellen Page again. Lord, where are those bitches from “What Not To Wear” when you need them. Seriously, she looks like your old spinster aunt who is a professional potter, and you’ve invited her to a formal wedding and told her she has to dress up.

8:27 – Jack Nicholson must have just gotten his eyes dilated. And by dilated, I mean snorted a LOT of coke.

8:40 – Jon Stewart made a joke about Obama. Quick director, put the camera on some black people! Oh wait, you beat me to it. By the way, tell Spike Lee that Lou Bega would like his hat back unless you’d like to do your rendition of “Mambo #5.”

8:46 - One of my guests is accusing Miley Cyrus of having a cleft palate. This is clearly a tough room.

8:47 - Clinique, could y'all ship some of that eye cream to George Clooney? He needs to moisturize his situation.

8:55 - "You're not even famous!" "You're a nobody! Get off the stage!" Lawd, this crowd at my house should never be allowed to actually go to the Oscars because we'd totally be thrown out for screaming at the director of the best animated feature.

8:59 - I want to like Amy Adams, except she keeps showing up in dresses from TJ Maxx. Girl, this isn't formal night at the Shriner's lodge. You're pretty and talented. Hire a gay to work that stuff out for you.

9:08 - Queen Latifah got people to take her seriously in Hollywood despite her silly name by having talent. You should try that instead of changing your name, Rock. No one is buying this "Dwayne" business.

9:10 - Harrison Ford to the employee of Supercuts: "Give me the Trump."

9:14 - Jennifer Hudson looks pretty and can't read a cue card, sort of like a contestant on America's Next Top Model who hasn't thrown up everything she's ever eaten.

9:17 - I want someone other than Hal Holbrook to win Best Supporting Actor so that Dixie Carter will stand up and say, "And I want to thank you Rae Dawn, on behalf of all the women of the world!" before slapping the shit out of them.

9:19 - I just had to apologize to my guests for my erection. Thanks a lot, Javier Bardem.

9:26 - This is the best episode of "Star Search" ever! I hope Ed McMahon gives that little girl four stars! Oh wait, this is the best song nominee from that Felicity movie that sucked. Never mind.

9:29 - Owen Wilson is so depressing on the medication he's taking to keep from killing himself that they should have had him introducing Best Documentary.

9:30 - Is it me, or does Bee from "Bee Movie" have the same hair as John Travolta?

9:38 - I want Ruby Dee to punch Tilda Swinton out. That's all.

9:39 - Actually, that is not all. I understand that you're this year's Serious British Actress, but that is no reason to take a damn backdrop from the window at Hot Topic and wear it as a dress. I hope Helen Mirrin sits you down and has a come to Jesus meeting with you, Tilda.

9:48 - I've got to develop my Scottish accent. That way I too can not bother to shave for a formal event and look like a starving rat, and still get laid like crazy. Thanks for the tip, James McAvoy.

9:53 - I'm not sure what's more shocking: that Miley Cyrus is on the Oscars, or that Billy Ray didn't horn his way onto that too.

9:54 - I adore Kristen Chenoweth, but I have to wonder how it is that "9 to 5" lost the best song Oscar and this crap from "Enchanted" got a nomination. It's a tribute to Chenoweth's appeal that I don't want to hit her with a shovel right now.

10:13 - Do you get the feeling that the Best Actress award was a bit of a "fuck you" to the Bush administration? It's the Freedom Oscars, y'all!

10:20 - I can't see Colin Ferrell anymore without thinking "I could eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner right here!" You'll only get that joke if you surf for deeply inappropriate video online, in which case shame on you!

10:31 - I'm glad to see the FDA decided that Botox has no ill effects on a fetus. Otherwise Nikki Kidman would be looking like Karl Malden right about now.

10:37 - Right now Calista Flockhart and Catherine Zeta Jones are watching this honorary Oscar winner and seeing their near-future flash before their eyes.

10:44 - Foreign films? Come on Hollywood, you're either with us or against us.

10:46 - The writers of the original songs from "Hairspray" made two mistakes that caused them not to get any nominations for Best Song. 1) Having someone sing the song that people have ever hear of, and 2) Not testing the songs on diabetics to see if they put the testees into a sugar coma.

10:49 - His Ron Popeil spray hair is making me question all those gay rumors about Travolta.

10:58 - Scene at Cameron Diaz's seamstress's home: "What do you have to make my hips look huge, my boobs look non-existent, and my ass like I've just taken a dump? Oh that's perfect, I'll take it. I think I'll wear a ponytail with it since all I'm doing is presenting at the Oscars."

11:01 - It is funny to hear Hillary Swank talk about the giants of cinema and not mean her teeth.

11:12 - I'm concerned that having our military servicemen on the Oscars will trigger a Don't Ask Don't Tell investigation.

11:17 - You know, I have sat through this entire evening of people dressing blandly so they won't be talked about badly, of people not going off the cue cards, and how am I rewarded? They can't even put Michael Moore up on stage to act a fool and piss people off. Dammit.

11:25 - I wonder how it would look if you bejeweled Jackee Harry's nightgown? Ahhhh, not good Ms Diablo Cody. And yet I adore her. Go figure.

11:32 - Daniel Day Lewis, bless his heart, is the male Bjork of the Oscars. You can always count on him to have an ignorant-assed outfit to give horrible people like me something to talk about. He could still get it, though, even if it is only on the basis of how hot he was in "My Beautiful Lauderette."

11:45 - Denzel, I do not care for the Ving Rames look on you. Please grow your hair back immediately. Thank you.

11:47 - So, this may go down in history as the most boring Oscars ever, at least in terms of fashion (I rather liked Jon Stewart I must say). I can see being so terrified of being called out by Joan Rivers that you hire a stylist to turn you into generic celebrity, but come on, Debbie Matenopoulous does those post-Oscars commentary things now. She's dumber than a sack of hammers, who cares what she or a bitch like me thinks? Much as I loathed Tilda's outfit, I salute her for trying something off-the-wall. I'd rather be loathed than forgotten any day. Good night, y'all!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Project Too Gay

Joan Collins, you were the hottest, and dare I say fiercest, bitch in the 80s. And I know you got around (didn't we all?). But Joan, these guys? I mean really.

And it is bad enough that you let them get under your beaded gown, but did you have to give up the love child that wild night produced?

I mean, he is pretty talented, and I know how you love the puffy sleeves.

By the way, isn't it nice to see how well Vicki from "Small Wonder" grew up?

Editor's Note: Princess Puffysleeves screen capture is blatently lifted from the hot bitches over at the world's greatest blog, Project Rungay.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Glass Trailers

Breaking News: In another post-Grammy Awards shocking revelation, former celebrity Natalie Cole declared that Alicia Keys needs to get her own act instead of just stealing the act of some poor dead guy who can't say no.

In other Grammy news, Christopher Cross complained this week to Access Hollywood that The Foo Fighters were robbed of the award for Best Album, asking, "Why do they always give these things to the most lightweight pieces of fluff possible instead of the guys who rock out?"

Editor's Note: Yes, we realize it is several days past the Grammys, giving this post a decidedly stale flavor.  Give us a break..we're still rusty and trying to get back into regular blogging shape.

The Cheese: Saturday Morning

People in my age group have fond memories of School House Rocks. To this day, the only way I can remember the Preamble to the Constitution is if I sing it in the School House Rocks style. But do you remember when ABC expanded their between-cartoon segments to include Menudo and The Bod Squad? Today's Trading Faces Cheese will have you hankering for a hunk of it.

Hanker For A Hunka Cheese

Don't Drown Your Food

Yuck Mouth

And just for good measure...

The Preamble

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Down With Hopes, Up With Dopes

John McCain has officially jumped the shark, y'all. Peepaw needs a nap!

I mean another nap.

His speech Tuesday night made clear several things:

1. He is running against Obama.
2. He will say anything he has to say to get the Radical Right to like him.
3. He doesn't know anyone who is under 45 and non-white (that stage was like a mausoleum!).
4. He is completely batshit crazy.

I mean seriously, peepaw, you're basically giving the speech declaring yourself as the nominee, and all you can do is deride dreams and hopes as a concept? You really don't believe a leader is supposed to inspire us to dream big and then go out and make that dream happen? What a deeply negative message for a campaign, especially one that is winning. That is a strange strategic move for his campaign. My favorite quote from his speech was:

"They will appeal to our dreams of a better future for ourselves, our families and our country, but they would take from us more of the wealth we have earned to build those dreams and assure us that government is better able than we are to make decisions about our future for us."

Ummmm...if someone is dreaming of a better future, chances are they don't have a lot of wealth these alleged crazed Democrats can take. I'd like to know where all this wealth is...apparently this recession thing is just a myth and we're all rich unless we elect Obama! Who knew?

I liked John McCain to some extent, at least as a person if not politically. I think he was stupid to kowtow to the Bush administration, especially after what they did to him in 2000, and he will pay politically for hitching his wagon to that hot mess. And I never believed he is the maverick he says he is...his voting record is insanely conservative (except that he doesn't want to load the brown folks in a box car and ship them to Tijuana, which is precisely what has the wingnuts in a tizzy). But that speech...lawd! It appealed to the lowest common denominator, and lifted up greed and power as an American ideal. I'll happily put that up against Obama in the November because I think that we are better than that.

At least that's my hope.