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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

State of the Union

Special Trading Faces political correspondent Truman reacts to the President's State of the Union Address.

Mr. President, every time you make a speech full of half-baked ideas, conciliation mixed with confrontation, and downright lies, God gives a headache to a kitty. Please, Mr. President, think of the kitties.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Joan Collins gets served!

Oh lawd, did Mrs. Garrett not learn anything from the East Coast/West Coast rap rivalry? I guess not because she's looking to be the next Tupac! This fabulous video shows her giving an interview on the red carpet of Joan's new show "Legends," and she starts dropping the "B" bombs! I love a dirty-mouthed old lady!

So, what is more shocking? That Charlotte Rae is so mean, that Joan Collins is shocked that someone called her a bitch, or that either of these old broads still get invited places? I'm sure Blair is going to pray for Mrs. Garrett!

This link blatently lifted from the evil queens over at D-Listed.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Mortal Mix Tape

I've often wished my life had its own personal soundtrack. I mean, it sort of does inside my head...just last week, Beyonce' was driving me insane by living inside my head and singing "To the left, to the left" at exceedingly inappropriate times. But I'm talking about the sort of soundtrack that plays out loud over events like in a movie. I want to be Molly Ringwald getting dressed for school to the sounds of the Psychadelic Furs telling me I'm pretty in pink. Actually, I just want to be Molly Ringwald, but that is another story entirely. Anyway, since you know how I like lists, here is the soundtrack to Christopher's life.

Opening credits: “Filthy Gorgeous” by Scissor Sisters
Waking up: “Coffee In Bed” by Squeeze
Average day: “Make Your Own Kind of Music” by Cass Elliott
First date: “No Scrubs” by TLC
Falling in love: “Fall At Your Feet” by Crowded House
Love scene: “Slave to Love” by Bryan Ferry
Fight scene: “Love To Hate You” by Erasure
Breaking up: "Untouchable Face” by Ani Difranco
Getting back together: “One” by Mary J. Blige & U2
Secret love: “Breakfast in Bed” by Dusty Springfield
Life's okay: “Holiday” by Madonna
Mental breakdown: “Add It Up” by Violent Femmes
Driving: “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” by Kylie Minogue
Learning a lesson: “Proud” by Heather Small
Deep thought: “Prince of Darkness” by Indigo Girls
Flashback: “Dancing Queen” by ABBA
Partying: “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” by Dead or Alive
Happy dance: “Venus” by Bananarama
Regreting: “If I Could Turn Back Time” by Cher
Long night alone:"Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me” by The Smiths
Death scene: “Being Boring” by Pet Shop Boys
Closing credits: “Last Dance” by Donna Summer

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Rousing Rabbles

It only took one semester for me to get back to being a student activist! Next month, our school starts on-campus interviews with various employers. All accredited law schools have an anti-discrimination policy that those employers must abide by. That meant law schools didn't allow JAG, the legal arm of the military, to recruit on-campus. Then Congress forced us all to allow it under threat of losing the entire university's funding, including funding at the medical school where important research is happening. We have to allow them, but it doesn't mean we have to be quiet about it. A group of us are organizing the students for several events, the first of which is a letter signed by the student body condemning JAG's presence at our school, and asking that the Dean make a public statement that the only reason JAG is allowed to violate our discrimination policy is that Congress put us under duress to do so. I'm trying to get my classmates to sign it, so here's a note I sent them. Hope you tolerate this break from my normal celebrity foolishness.

So, your favorite rabble-rousers, me, Ms. O'Neill, Mr. Coffman, and Ms. Smalls, are circulating a letter asking that you join us in condemning the visit of military recruiters to our school. I want to make it clear that I am not against the military. My step-dad is a veteran. My great-uncle Webb was signed to play basketball for Adolph Rupp, but volunteered to go to Korea instead where he lost an arm. I continue to be in awe of the strength of character it took for them to serve the country in the face of danger. Because of that, I believe it is important to give you my three reasons why I hope you will sign our letter opposing JAG recruiters forcing their way onto campus in violation of our anti-discrimination policy.

1. The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy is discriminatory for no reason, and is bad for our national security. Even its most staunch defenders like former Secretary of State Gen. Colin Powell, former Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. John Shalikashvili, and former Secretary of Defense William Cohen are coming around to the fact that there is no good reason to stop perfectly able Americans from serving their country. For those who fear difficulty in integrating LGBT troops, they could look to two of the best armies in the world, Great Britain and Israel, to see how all fit citizens can serve together peacefully without any damage to troop morale. I’d rather look to our own military, perhaps the greatest model of integration in American history. When the president ordered the military racially integrated, people feared the reaction of our troops, not understanding that when the commander-in-chief makes an order, it is absolute. The result is the most powerful military perhaps in world history. Integration worked once with much more baggage, and it can work again.

What’s perhaps worse for the US in the short-term is that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is posing serious risks to our military readiness. Since 1994, 55 translators of Arabic languages have been expelled under the policy despite the 9/11 Commission noting our extreme need for those translators to decipher intercepted terrorist intelligence. More than 11,000 soldiers have been dismissed since the inception of the policy at a cost of around $360 million to taxpayers.

The bottom line is, according to our military leaders, congressional reports, the 9/11 commission, and countless soldiers whose lives have been destroyed by discrimination, there is neither a rational nor a moral basis for retaining Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. The only thing keeping it in place is pure bigotry.

2. So, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is bad for the U.S., but what does that have to do with military recruiters at our law school? We have an anti-discrimination policy that includes sexual orientation. We demand that all employers interviewing on-campus sign a statement that they will abide by our policy. The military, however, is exempt. Congress threatens funding for the entire university if we do not violate our own anti-discrimination policy. The effect of this is that JAG gets to push their way in against the school’s own rules, use our resources, and then say that regardless of our excellent performance, I and others will not be hired by them.

Very reasonable people who are against Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will tell you that JAG recruiters should still be allowed in order to maintain our military and to dismantle the discriminatory policy from the inside-out. With all due respect to them, this would never be a question if it were women being excluded from hiring, or Muslims, or any other suspect minority, as it should not be. We all pay the same tuition, but some of us are not afforded equal opportunity. Students need to stand up and send a message to our leaders by saying that this behavior is not acceptable to us. The administration needs to do so as well. Perhaps the leaders of JAG will finally pass along the message to the Pentagon that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is jeopardizing their efforts to be effective agents of the law just as it is jeopardizing efforts to protect our country.

3. I want to make this a bit more personal now. It was never my intention to get involved in gay activist work during my law school career. I’ve done identity politics, and I was hoping to be known as more than just That Gay Guy. Ms. O’Neill’s effort in protest of an issue that doesn’t even affect her, though, has moved me to action too. The main reason for that is, as a JAG officer, one of your responsibilities would be to prosecute gay service members. If you are in JAG, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is more than a nebulous policy, it is your policy to uphold. I don’t seriously believe that most of my classmates would want to prosecute me simply because I share my life with a male partner of six years. That soldier could be me, or any number of our classmates, friends, or relatives.

So long as they continue to be a part of the military’s discriminatory practices, JAG does not belong on our campus.

Image snatched from the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Golden Globes

Lately my inner voice has been uncharacteristically silent. Why I cannot say, but I can tell you this for certain: there’s nothing like Rule 9 of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to make me say, “Gee whiz, I sure do feel like blabbing about celebrities tonight.” Funny how that seems to co-ordinate with the most drunken show in Hollywood outside of Britney Spears’ New Year’s party, The Golden Globes.

So without further ado, here is the pre-show and show commentary. May God forgive me for being a terribly evil man.

The E! show started earlier, but none of the real stars show up this early, and I am not in the mood to see Ryan Peecrust vamp for 30 minutes. Anyway, here we are, and I have to tell you first off, do you know why I like Sheryl Crow? When life gives her a lemon, she wears it. Lance Armstrong dumps her and takes back the ring, and my girl goes and wears one of the bridesmaid dresses to the Globes. You go girl!

It’s a good thing Vanessa Williams isn’t a big star because it means no one is going to have to sit behind her Latina drag queen wig. Vanessa darlin', that hair isn't appropriate unless your name is Chi-Chi and you're lipsyncing Gloria Estefan songs for dollar bills.

You’d think Tina Fey wouldn’t get so dressed up for a PTA meeting.

Penelope Cruz has a fantastic dress, but that hair is proof of why dating a homo isn’t always a bad thing for a woman. You look at that hair and think, Doolittle Lynn is back in Butcher Holllow taking care of those babies while she’s out on tour with Patsy Cline.

If you’re a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, you shouldn’t frame your girls with a bunch of beads to emphasize them. I’m talking to you, Eva Longoria.

I am glad Marc Anthony’s aversion to daylight didn’t stop his wife from showing off her mami’s serape.

I was so excited about Elaine Boosler making a comeback, that is until I discovered that it was really Kyra Sedgwick. My disappointment was tempered, though, by how very proud Isiah Washington made me by not calling Ryan Seacrest a fag.

Does the fact that Puffy Puff Daddy P. Diddy Diddy Wheat Puff is dressed like a busted version of Hugh Heffner finally convince everyone that he is not a fashion icon?

With all of these actresses in white in January, I can’t help but wonder where is Serial Mom when you need her?

The blonde gal from “Grey’s Anatomy” is a-ma-zing! Dress, jewels, hair…perfection! Oh, her escort is the gay guy from “Grey’s.” That explains a lot.

Ever since Felicity Huffman played a trannie, she’s been drama on the red carpet. I highly recommend it for other actresses.

Cate Blanchett seems to be on the Edge of Seventeen. She sees your Gypsy, and asks that you Stand Back.

Poor Jeremy Piven. He thought he’d get to talk on camera if he came early, then Brad and Angelina defied normal red carpet rules by showing up early, and the Piv got cut off mid-sentence. Damn you and your rebel lifestyle, Brangelina, and your false eyelashes of power!

What the hell kind of Proud Mary drag queen pageant bullshit has Tina Knowles made her daughter wear to the Golden Globes?! And why does she look like she’s been buttered? Nobody is that damn ashy!

Every time I see Zellweger, I want to smack her with a rolled-up newspaper and ask, “What have you done? Bad girl! What have you done to your face?!”

I can’t believe Ryan Semencrest almost made it through his entire broadcast without denying that he’s a big ‘mo. Granted, when he does finally deny it, all I can think is that he needs to have a big glass of Shut the Fuck Up, but still, two hours is a lot of restraint.

It’s showtime! Also, I've lost the ability to tell time at this point!

  • They get right on it this year with the awards, and I’m so happy for Jennifer Hudson, the true star of the only movie I’ve seen twice at the theater in years! I hate her dress, but someone hooked her up with a good lacefront, so good for her. Of course, when Miss Ross hears that comment she made about Florence Ballard, she’s going to snatch it right off J-Hud’s head. And look, Beyonce’ is crying! Either she knows she is about to lose Best Song to Prince or Jigga poked her in the eyes.
  • Given how Jeremy Irons is dressed and how he looks tonight, I’m terribly afraid there is a problem with scurvy in Hollywood.
  • Edie Falco just proved that there is in fact an outbreak of scurvy in Hollywood. Get those stars a sack of oranges, stat!
  • Third cocktail of the night, and I’m already a little bored.
  • That old lady beat Beyonce’ for Best Actress? WTF?! What kind of old farts vote for these awards anyway?
  • During the commercial break, Prince put his hand on the camera to hide himself after not showing up to accept the award he won. Here’s an idea: if you don’t want to be on camera, you might not want to show up at an awards show, Stretch. Oh, also, if you’re trying to be anonymous, you might want to reconsider that bedazzled mustard yellow Nehru jacket.
  • Overheard at the Globes: Robert Duvall says to his publicist, “Did I just get beaten by Bill Nye the Science Guy? Seriously? You are so effin fired.”
  • Sienna Miller was previously known as that girl Jude Law cheated on. Now she’s just that greasy British chick. Nice lateral move, Sienna.
  • Cameron Diaz looks like her dress was made by a gay mummy who lost in the first round of Project Runway. If I were Justin Timberlake, I'd dump her twice just for good measure.
  • I love that they always give a brief shout-out to the Ernst and Young accountants on these shows, and I wonder who exactly I have to sleep with to get my accountant pal Amy on the Globes to count those votes.
  • I’m not drunk. Jamie Foxx, now he’s drunk.
  • Jamie Foxx isn’t drunk. Sharon Stone, now she’s DRUNK!
  • I don’t even care what anyone else says, I think Clint Eastwood looks hot dressed as a Solid Gold Dancer.
  • This may be the first time Drew Barrymore has looked like a woman instead of a perpetual girl. It suits her. Yes, I'm not making a snarky remark, I really think she looks pretty. Damn, I must be really cocktailed now!
  • I’m seriously crying for America Ferrera. Everyone is crying for her because it is so lovely to see someone who is genuinely grateful for their award. You know when Will Smith’s dykey wife is crying, you’ve said some stuff to move folks. On a nicer note, it is wonderful to see a normal, healthy, beautiful woman win. In fact, the best dressed ladies tonight were all normal-shaped women, which perhaps will inspire the Olsens to eat a damn cookie.

So, that’s the Golden Globes this year. If you want my commentary on the Oscars in 2007, you might suggest that my professors assign something really dull that night as well. We’ll wrap things up with the best and worst dressed.

Best-dressed: Eddie Murphy in an all-black Dolce & Gabbana tuxedo and Felicity Huffman in an emerald dream of a gown.

Worst-dressed: Jeremy Irons in his Ass-Pirates of the Caribbean ensemble and Cameron Diaz looking like a very fluffy tampon.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The Weekly Cheese: Cover Version Edition

There's a long-standing practice in pop music where pop tarts of varying talent re-record big hits in a bid to boost their own profile. This especially seems to be true for singers who do not write their own material, and who are faced with a shortage of hits to record. The assumption, of course, is that if it was a hit once, throw on a few synth riffs and it will be a hit again. Often they are right, but the results can be tragic as we'll see in this edition of The Weekly Cheese.

Bananarama & Lananeeneenoonoo, "Help!"

Brit comedy team French & Saunders used their act to parody Bananarama (then the biggest music group in the UK) and their cheesy dance routines, shirtless male dancers, and studio produced vocals. They called themselves Lananeeneenoonoo. Anyway, the Bananas thought it was so funny, they collaborated with the comedians on this cover of the Beatles classic. At least it was for charity.

Paulina Rubio, "I Was Made For Loving You"

I put this one in just to annoy Val. In her quest for a crossover hit, Paulina covered this Kiss song on her English-language debut. I hated the original version, but this hot mess is like nails across a chalkboard.

Samantha Fox, "I Only Wanna Be With You"

Those of you who know me well know of my Dusty Springfield obsession. Rumor has it that Dusty liked this version of her first 60's solo hit. I think it would give an Osmond a cavity. The trash can theme in the video is no coincidence if you ask me.

Kylie Minogue, "The Locomotion"

You know it hurts me to post this. She was young, and both Little Eva and I forgive her.

Britney Spears, "I Love Rock and Roll"

I wonder if she had to show her bacon flaps to Joan Jett to get permission for this travesty. At least she doesn't show them to us here.

And sometimes, very seldomly, a goddess gets it right and shows the others how it is done.

Well played, Cher.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Trading Faces Trend Watch: Accessories

The style gurus here at Trading Faces have noticed as of late that the rubber message bracelet trend has extended to the adult film industry. The Lance Armstrong-sponsored LiveStrong bracelets are proving particularly popular. This does not surprise us as the bracelets can have a multitude of uses in porn and are far easier to clean that more traditional porn accessories, creating a versatile look that should prove wearable for multiple seasons to come.

Well played, gentlemen. Well played indeed.

Screen capture from Oscar contender "A Matter of Size 2," a film that while more fashion-forward than its predecessor, lacks the emotional core of the original.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Avada Kedavra

When Lord Voldemort activates the Dark Mark, Ashley Olsen needs to learn it is not time to be out shopping.

photo shamelessly lifted from the evil genius of D-Listed.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Fight for the cervical cancer vaccine!

Sorry I've been so quiet, but I'm taking a blog break because I'm not feeling particularly inspired. At least not inspired to lamely attempt to make you laugh. However, I am inspired to have you get up and fight. The Family Foundation of Kentucky is lobbying against a bill in the Kentucky legislature that will add the cervical cancer vaccine to the list of vaccines girls are required to get while in elementary school. Because the FDA-approved vaccine (invented here in The Ville!) prevents HPV, a virus that causes almost all cervical cancers, and because that virus is sexually-transmitted, they argue that giving this vaccine encourages sex. WTF?!

The fact is 74% of Americans carry HPV. Regardless of when a woman decides to become sexually active, she is most likely going to get the virus that can lead to cervical cancer. Are we really so afraid of sex that we're willing to let women die for it? I've set up a new blog called Kentuckians Against Cervical Cancer where I am attempting to collect the stories and photos of Kentucky families touched by cervical cancer. The idea is to get their faces out there before the public and the legislature to let them know that this is not about morality, sex, or anything else other than saving Kentucky families. If you have a story for us, please visit the blog and share it. And if your state is proposing similar legislation (California and Michigan are at the moment), I encourage you to support it in any way you can.