The Golden Globes

Lately my inner voice has been uncharacteristically silent. Why I cannot say, but I can tell you this for certain: there’s nothing like Rule 9 of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to make me say, “Gee whiz, I sure do feel like blabbing about celebrities tonight.” Funny how that seems to co-ordinate with the most drunken show in Hollywood outside of Britney Spears’ New Year’s party, The Golden Globes.

So without further ado, here is the pre-show and show commentary. May God forgive me for being a terribly evil man.

6:37pm
The E! show started earlier, but none of the real stars show up this early, and I am not in the mood to see Ryan Peecrust vamp for 30 minutes. Anyway, here we are, and I have to tell you first off, do you know why I like Sheryl Crow? When life gives her a lemon, she wears it. Lance Armstrong dumps her and takes back the ring, and my girl goes and wears one of the bridesmaid dresses to the Globes. You go girl!

6:40pm
It’s a good thing Vanessa Williams isn’t a big star because it means no one is going to have to sit behind her Latina drag queen wig. Vanessa darlin', that hair isn't appropriate unless your name is Chi-Chi and you're lipsyncing Gloria Estefan songs for dollar bills.

6:45pm
You’d think Tina Fey wouldn’t get so dressed up for a PTA meeting.

6:48pm
Penelope Cruz has a fantastic dress, but that hair is proof of why dating a homo isn’t always a bad thing for a woman. You look at that hair and think, Doolittle Lynn is back in Butcher Holllow taking care of those babies while she’s out on tour with Patsy Cline.

6:58pm
If you’re a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, you shouldn’t frame your girls with a bunch of beads to emphasize them. I’m talking to you, Eva Longoria.

7:01pm
I am glad Marc Anthony’s aversion to daylight didn’t stop his wife from showing off her mami’s serape.

7:06pm
I was so excited about Elaine Boosler making a comeback, that is until I discovered that it was really Kyra Sedgwick. My disappointment was tempered, though, by how very proud Isiah Washington made me by not calling Ryan Seacrest a fag.

7:13pm
Does the fact that Puffy Puff Daddy P. Diddy Diddy Wheat Puff is dressed like a busted version of Hugh Heffner finally convince everyone that he is not a fashion icon?

7:18pm
With all of these actresses in white in January, I can’t help but wonder where is Serial Mom when you need her?

7:20pm
The blonde gal from “Grey’s Anatomy” is a-ma-zing! Dress, jewels, hair…perfection! Oh, her escort is the gay guy from “Grey’s.” That explains a lot.

7:22pm
Ever since Felicity Huffman played a trannie, she’s been drama on the red carpet. I highly recommend it for other actresses.

7:30pm
Cate Blanchett seems to be on the Edge of Seventeen. She sees your Gypsy, and asks that you Stand Back.

7:36pm
Poor Jeremy Piven. He thought he’d get to talk on camera if he came early, then Brad and Angelina defied normal red carpet rules by showing up early, and the Piv got cut off mid-sentence. Damn you and your rebel lifestyle, Brangelina, and your false eyelashes of power!

7:40pm
What the hell kind of Proud Mary drag queen pageant bullshit has Tina Knowles made her daughter wear to the Golden Globes?! And why does she look like she’s been buttered? Nobody is that damn ashy!

7:43pm
Every time I see Zellweger, I want to smack her with a rolled-up newspaper and ask, “What have you done? Bad girl! What have you done to your face?!”

7:59pm
I can’t believe Ryan Semencrest almost made it through his entire broadcast without denying that he’s a big ‘mo. Granted, when he does finally deny it, all I can think is that he needs to have a big glass of Shut the Fuck Up, but still, two hours is a lot of restraint.

It’s showtime! Also, I've lost the ability to tell time at this point!

• They get right on it this year with the awards, and I’m so happy for Jennifer Hudson, the true star of the only movie I’ve seen twice at the theater in years! I hate her dress, but someone hooked her up with a good lacefront, so good for her. Of course, when Miss Ross hears that comment she made about Florence Ballard, she’s going to snatch it right off J-Hud’s head. And look, Beyonce’ is crying! Either she knows she is about to lose Best Song to Prince or Jigga poked her in the eyes.
• Given how Jeremy Irons is dressed and how he looks tonight, I’m terribly afraid there is a problem with scurvy in Hollywood.
• Edie Falco just proved that there is in fact an outbreak of scurvy in Hollywood. Get those stars a sack of oranges, stat!
• Third cocktail of the night, and I’m already a little bored.
• That old lady beat Beyonce’ for Best Actress? WTF?! What kind of old farts vote for these awards anyway?
• During the commercial break, Prince put his hand on the camera to hide himself after not showing up to accept the award he won. Here’s an idea: if you don’t want to be on camera, you might not want to show up at an awards show, Stretch. Oh, also, if you’re trying to be anonymous, you might want to reconsider that bedazzled mustard yellow Nehru jacket.
• Overheard at the Globes: Robert Duvall says to his publicist, “Did I just get beaten by Bill Nye the Science Guy? Seriously? You are so effin fired.”
• Sienna Miller was previously known as that girl Jude Law cheated on. Now she’s just that greasy British chick. Nice lateral move, Sienna.
• Cameron Diaz looks like her dress was made by a gay mummy who lost in the first round of Project Runway. If I were Justin Timberlake, I'd dump her twice just for good measure.
  
• I love that they always give a brief shout-out to the Ernst and Young accountants on these shows, and I wonder who exactly I have to sleep with to get my accountant pal Amy on the Globes to count those votes.
• I’m not drunk. Jamie Foxx, now he’s drunk.
• Jamie Foxx isn’t drunk. Sharon Stone, now she’s DRUNK!
• I don’t even care what anyone else says, I think Clint Eastwood looks hot dressed as a Solid Gold Dancer.
• This may be the first time Drew Barrymore has looked like a woman instead of a perpetual girl. It suits her. Yes, I'm not making a snarky remark, I really think she looks pretty. Damn, I must be really cocktailed now!
  
• I’m seriously crying for America Ferrera. Everyone is crying for her because it is so lovely to see someone who is genuinely grateful for their award. You know when Will Smith’s dykey wife is crying, you’ve said some stuff to move folks. On a nicer note, it is wonderful to see a normal, healthy, beautiful woman win. In fact, the best dressed ladies tonight were all normal-shaped women, which perhaps will inspire the Olsens to eat a damn cookie.

So, that’s the Golden Globes this year. If you want my commentary on the Oscars in 2007, you might suggest that my professors assign something really dull that night as well. We’ll wrap things up with the best and worst dressed.

Best-dressed: Eddie Murphy in an all-black Dolce & Gabbana tuxedo and Felicity Huffman in an emerald dream of a gown.

Worst-dressed: Jeremy Irons in his Ass-Pirates of the Caribbean ensemble and Cameron Diaz looking like a very fluffy tampon.