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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Diapers aren't just for fetishists anymore!

I'm watching Logo, the network for homos who don't get out much, because I was in the mood for a little Graham Norton. I was having a few chuckles as Graham chatted with has-been spook Marilyn Manson when during the commercial break, I saw an ad for a queer retirement community in Santa Fe called Rainbow Vision.

Naturally I have some things to say about this. First of all, let's face it...the gays (especially this one) can be bitchy enough under normal circumstances. Why would I want to spend the final years of life trapped in an overpriced condo complex with them when we're also incontinent and in chronic pain? I fully intend on spending my golden years at home scaring the neighborhood children and chasing them off my lawn as was intended. They'll creep past my house, and tell my tale in hushed tones: "That's where crazy Old Man _______ lives with 400 place settings of Fiestaware and ten cats. Sometimes, he'll come out in his bathrobe and bunny slippers, water the dead flowers, and throw rocks at us!"

Second of all, why oh why does everything marketed at us have to have something to do with freakin' rainbows?! Where the hell was I when this was being decided at the Gay Agenda Annual Conference? I can't have been at the bar the entire time. Anyway, I'm with David Sedaris on this picking a flag for our people, I would have much preferred a nice skull and crossbones.

What kind of amenities would one find at a gay retirement home? Porn star orderlies? Womyn-only automotive workshops? An on-call cosmetologist to wax earlobes before a big date? No, nothing that fancy. But for your $4100 a month, you do get a membership to the Billie Jean King Fitness Center & Spa, which I can only assume is some sort of lesbian bathhouse or something, and access to the community organic garden, which I can only assume is some sort of lesbian playground where they grown their own granola and sing folk music. And what do gay men get out of living at Rainbow Vision in Santa Fe? Well, Carol Burnett and Oprah live there. Really, that should be enough.


JonboySF said...

This is a largely untapped market so you know someone is making some serious $ off it! When I get to such a place there had BETTER be porn star orderlies!!

Christopher said...

It makes me think of "Tales of the City" sidestory about the rich closet cases who were investing in a gay western-themed retirement home called The Last Roundup. I'm surprised no one has actually done that yet.

Bedazzler said...

LOL throwing rocks. I am going to stand behind my front gate and hit the little buggers with walking a stick as they go past.

Ces said...

You are not even old and you are ornery already. Haha! You are full of threats. Chances are, you are more likely to be the default male at all the married and divorced women’s parties and the little junior divas will be calling you “Uncle”. LOL!!!

Christopher said...

Ces, a conversation between me and my 3-year-old supergenius niece Haley:

Me: "Are you my princess?"
Haley: "You're a princess!"
Me: "No dear, you're the princess. I'm the empress. These are things you need to learn."

Ces said...

LOL!!! She is a genius, indeed. That is precious.

BTW, do you think Empress is better? I don't know any reigning Empress but there are HRH Princesses galore. Of course you just have to choose the biggest principality.

Christopher said...

I know plenty of reigning empresses! I used to be one!

Ms. Val said...

I figure I'll be one of those overdressed ladies with big hair, big jewelry, and a big wardrobe with bedazzled everything! My Big Daddy and I will be living in a high rise condo near downtown so he can attend Diamondbacks games while I shop for new ways to redecorate the apartment.

Christopher said...

That sounds like a pretty darned good life to me, Val!