Last Call, Paula!

Well, thank god for the DVR tonight because after finishing the plumbing in the tub and shower fix, loading the dishwasher, and doing two loads of laundry, I didn’t start watching the “American Idol” finale until an hour into the show. And yet after all that work, I still have commentary on the performances for you…all three or four of you. Thanks to the miracle of the Digital Video Recorder, I got to see the entire show, and not just the last bits when Paula is already drunk out of her mind. Here we go with the rudeness, itemized for your convenience!

1. Good for Paris, doing a duet with Al Jerreau. Maybe he can get her a job greeting guests at the Wal-Mart after the show. Just kidding, he’s a legend. Still, Princess P out sang his old ass.

2. Daddy Chris just totally pulled an Eve Harrington on the lead singer of Live. If Chris asks to be their “understudy”, that guy needs to put his foot down fast.

3. Young women of America, why attend college? You can achieve a career and even some fame by pretending you are as stupid as a sack of hammers just like Kellie Pickler. Say it with me: “Sal-mun and cal-uh-mar-ah.”

4. When you can’t get Celine Dion in for a duet, the alternative choice is clear: if ham won’t do, go for Meatloaf. It didn’t quite work out, though. Meatloaf found an old Quaalude from the 70s at the bottom of makeup case, and sadly, decided to check whether it was any good prior to his performance with McPhee. It wasn’t.

5. These god-awful production numbers seem like what the Solid Gold Dancers would have done had Marilyn McCoo and Dionne Warwick ever allowed them to sing.

6. Oh Elliott, why couldn’t you have gotten some better songs for your last show? You’d be here tonight instead of Spaztastic. Mr. Yamin was so great tonight for the three lines he got to sing before Mary J. Blige came out and blew the roof off the place. Upstaged again, my little matzo.

7. I usually avoid the first few episodes of Idol because surprisingly, my bitter butt doesn’t have the stomach for the public humiliation of people, most especially those lemmings who think it makes them special. Again, thank god for the DVR because that means I get to fast forward through Semencrest’s comedy bits featuring the Idol rejects.

8. I know Toni Braxton hasn’t been a star for a while, but that doesn’t mean she needs to ride all up on the great grey spaz. We can tell from his reaction that he clearly doesn’t know what to do when a woman touches him anyway, so it isn’t going to get you anywhere.

9. Mandissa, don’t bother with the disco-flavored soul. My people are the only folks buying that kind of music, and we ain’t buying your big ole homophobic ass.

10. Boy, they let everyone sing tonight! Even Clay’s last trick from Manhunt.net got a number! By the way, if planting a big flaming Claymate boy on stage with him to make him look more butch, even while he’s wearing a piece from the Raquel Welch wig collection, is his management’s way of defusing Clay’s mansex scandal, they might want to go back to the drawing board.

11. If Craiggers and I ever tie the knot, “The Look of Love” is going to be our first dance at the reception. The brilliant version by Dusty Springfield, that is. I was hoping Burt Bacharach would drag his creaky ass across the stage and shove Ace off it for even thinking he could pull this song off. By the way, can I just say Burt Bacharach is right up there with Lennon and McCartney as one of the greatest pop song writers ever? That’s right, and if you weren’t moved by Elliott’s rendition of “A House is Not a Home”, you aren’t human. If he had sang that last week, he’d be in the finals.

12. Tom Jones takes dumps that are bigger and more manly than Kevin Covais.

13. I don’t know why Paris got to sing “Close to You”. McPhee totally sounds like Karen Carpenter after a good square meal, and believe me, that’s a compliment. My mama used to play The Carpenters all the time when I was a kid (on the 8-track!), and I have that stuff burned into my brain forever.

14. Dionne, dawg, you are a little, shall we say, “pitchy” tonight. Time to lay off the Mary Jane! Still, you can do a quick costume change, girl, and your second number was hot. You looked good in that purple suit, but those two hootchie mamas dancing with you have to go. We don’t blame you for running from Semencrest instead of staying to talk to him, though.

15. It was so worth having the world’s most annoying man win American Idol, just to see David Hasselhoff in the audience in hysterical tears at the announcement! That is the most beautiful thing I’ve seen all season!