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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I worship false Idols

A few days ago, Jim expressed his shock that I had yet to comment on America’s rejection of stupidity, a.k.a. Kellie Pickler getting voted off "American Idol." Sorry to neglect my duties, but I just sobered up from my celebration in time to watch last night’s episode. Tonight everyone had two songs, and all of them screwed up at least one. Here’s the breakdown plus all the tacky in-between bits:

Elliot did "On Broadway" for his first number. That song wasn’t that great the first time around, so why does someone on this show do this number every year? Because Elliott sweetie, do not you realize that none of those performers have ever won?

Is Paula sober? I wonder what’s on the other stations. A sober Paula is a boring Paula. She was probably sober when she recorded "Rush Rush". Thank god she was drunk when she made the video for it!

There is something mildly disturbing about Paris getting all sexual with her rendition of "Kiss". It’s very Jon Benet Ramsey inappropriate, and I think it is going to get her sent home this week. Plus, when you out-cheese Tom Jones, you know you’ve really messed up.

I’m not saying that Chris Daughtry makes me all giddy like a schoolgirl, but I will admit that after that number, I could lay on my back out on the lawn and serve as a pretty good sundial. Oh, he sang really well too. Incidentally, a certain relative of mine recently had her husband buzz his hair off so she can pretend she’s sleeping with Daddy Chris. Clearly insanity is a family trait.

Feel free to take a moment.

There, I'm sure we all feel better now. McPhee seems to be holding back, like she’s really afraid of screwing up this terrible song, "Against All Odds", which she then proceeded to do. This is what happens when she covers up her boobies, the source of her power.

Taylor "Corky" Hicks, are you fucking kidding me with that idiotic George Jefferson scoring a touchdown dance? He did win a big prize, though, for being the 10,000th guy to get Ryan Semencrest on his back, so congrats Corky!

On his second number, Elliot sounded so pretty, I was sure Paula was going to cry, but instead she was giggling. I guess her happy pills kicked in. Anyway, Elliot is so far from being a slick pop star that he could actually build a huge fan base by playing that up. He could be the straight Clay Gaiken!

No she didn’t! Yes she did, Paris and her Jeanie-goes-on-a-clamdig pants took on Mary J. Blige! She sounded great, but there was no personality to the number. Sorry Munchkin, but you have to have been way down low to be feeling a song by the great Mary J. and pull off her exquisite pain. Try again after you’re blowing rails to numb the pain of your man hocking your fur coat to pay for hookers, malt liquor, and 2 hours in a motel room.

Daddy Chris, that rendition of some miscellaneous faceless bland rock band was absolutely terrible, and I’m not just saying that because I want you to spank me.

Unleashing her girls this late in the show for her second number has obviously made McPhee go a little nutso, resulting in her inexplicable humping of the stage . She sounds great, but her weird positioning has me completely distracted. Still, I think this was my favorite number tonight. She showed she could do a little something more than get all Celine Dion on us.

My old dryer had two settings: Hotter than Hell and Air. Likewise, Corky only seems to have settings for Spastic and Boring. I’m not sure which I despise more.

Now onto the Slice & Dice night...

First off, why did Ryan call out Paula in his introduction? "Almost 45 million votes last night. That’s a lot of votes, Paula." Does Ryan bait the drunkest guy in bars too? No, he probably just goes home with him.

The Up With People production number is almost worth less commentary than this week’s Ford Focus commercial. You know someone is going to have those stupid things shown on their VH1 Behind the Music special just as an added humiliation.

Former Idol Justin Sideshow Bob Guarini is sitting behind Melissa Gilbert in the audience. I’m so happy that he found work as a personal assistant for has-been child stars.

And then Lilliputian Paris gets the boot. It is a shame because when she sings jazzy numbers, she has the best voice on the show, but she is not mature enough to have developed a definitive stage persona. She tries something new every week with the wacky weaves and goofball Destiny’s Child reject outfits, but none of them ever clicked. Goodbye Paris, we hardly knew you. Then again, I don’t think you know yourself yet either.

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