Pre-order Bananarama

Friday, March 31, 2006

Jared Leto befriends Alexis Arquette, begins transition

Would you still make out with Jordan Catalano under the bleachers?

Seriously, you'd still go to the boiler room under the gym with him, even when he's looking like 80s pop icon Alison Moyet?

He's a big girl...I wonder if he can still belt out "Invisible"?

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Naomi: Corrupting Since 1983

A Chronology of Naomi's Bad Influence:

1983: A 14-year-old Naomi makes her debut in Culture Club's video "I'll Tumble 4 Ya." A short time later, lead singer Boy George is arrested for his abuse of heroin.

1988: Naomi makes an appearance on two episodes of beloved sitcom "The Cosby Show" as a friend of Theo's. Her appearance correlates with Lisa Bonet flipping out, making "Angel Heart," marrying Lenny Kravitz, and ceasing to bathe.

1991: Naomi dances provacatively with Michael Jackson in the video for his ironically named single "In the Closet". Shortly after, MJ resorts to medical science to no longer be black.

1992: Along with Vanilla Ice, Naomi appears nekkid in Madonna's book "Sex." Madonna's career has never been quite right since.

1993: During her brief engagement to U2 bass guitarist Adam Clayton, the band puts out "Zooropa," a certified piece of crap. This union also inspired Naomi to make her album "Baby Woman", which was an enormous runaway southeast Asia.

2005: After taking several years off from ruining celebrity lives, instead preferring to ruin the lives of her employees, Naomi comes back with a vengeance as her BFF Kate Moss is photographed Hoovering up half the Columbian output of cocaine.

Also 2005: Proving that there is no accounting for the effect a coked-up heartless supermodel can have on a child, little Rudy Huxtable becomes a crack whore. Not that she wouldn't have anyway, but still.

Makes you want to go for some Jell-O Pudding Pops, doesn't it? Clearly, Naomi must be stopped. The judge who granted her bail is putting the careers of countless celebrities in danger.

Naomi Campbell Like School In the Summer

That's right, no class. The aging supermodel was arrested today for allegedly busting her housekeeper upside the head with an unidentified object, the third time Naomi has been accused of assaulting an employee with common personal items. You can tell Naomi has still not become accustomed to having money. If she had, she would know a truly refined woman of wealth NEVER hits the help with the phone.

As demonstrated by Joan Crawford, abusing the help is strictly a hands-on job. Anything else is simply not done.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Christina Crawford on Bobbi Kris: "My childhood wasn't so bad after all."

"Whitney, do YOU think this bathroom is clean?"

J.C. has a can of Bon Ami with your name on it, girl.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Medical Fun

Let's make this short and quick, because until I finish healing, I'm not going to be okay with all of this: I spoke with my NYC doctor's clinic yesterday. While he isn't happy I'm healing as slowly as I am, it apparently is not entirely out of the ordinary, and I should be patient while the mess on my face goes away. It has been two months as of this week. They have one more month before I bitchslap someone. I was told the tumor is gone, and dammit, I want it gone!!! I fly up to NYC on April 17 for a checkup and for decisions on further surgery. Assuming I am not bitchslapping anyone, I'm going to ask that while they do the other touch up things, if they might consider giving me some hair plugs, a nose job, and smooth out that little anger line between my eyebrows.

Bloody hell, I just know I'm going to end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein.

In other health news, I won't be asking for lipo because in my two weeks doing Sugar Busters, I've lost 8 of my non-smoker pounds...only 13 more to go!

Beats All You Ever Saw, Been In Trouble With the Law Since the Day She Was Born

After demanding a 51% stake in Ewing Oil, Sharon Stone's crime spree continues as she flaunted Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot's stolen bathmat on national television today. After filing charges, Elliot vowed to never again invite the Academy Award nominee to a Partylite event at her home.

Who needs lube?

If Disney had given me these kinds of songs, my first time would have been a lot easier. Warning, not safe for work or the easily offended.

From what I understand, this was performed by two Ft. La-Ti-Da drag queens named Cookie and Cashetta, and was sent to me by my friend Twyla Knight. Cookie and Cashetta, if you come across this site, contact me and confirm this is you!

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Mary Mary, why ya buggin'?

This afternoon, rather than do interior work I am dreading, I opted to work in my yard, specifically on the garden at the side door of my house. When we first moved in, there was a rather sizable concrete statue of the Virgin Mary, not surprising being that we're in a very Catholic neighborhood. Craig still holds some of his old Jehovah's Witness issues with Catholicism (apparently the Catholics and JWs don't like one another, sort of like a religious version of the Lindsay HoHan/Hillary Duff feud), and wanted Mary to be gone right away. I rather liked her for her camp value and wanted to tart her up in some hot pink robes and eyeshadow until that was frowned upon by Dirty Debbey, a staunch Catholic despite having the foulest mouth this side of perp on "COPS".

Now, I'm not in the least bit religious anymore, but I couldn't bring myself to haul her to the curb with the trash. There's just something really distasteful of putting the mother of someone's religion out with the endless supply of empty wine and vodka bottles for recycling. So, she has remained in her place in the garden by our side door (the main door for residences in this neighborhood...don't ask me why) until this week when I wheeled the Blessed Virgin to the cursed backyard where she is currently standing guard over the soon-to-be-planted herb garden.

In her place, I put up a trellis with some clematis vines that were already growing in the garden among the 10,000 ferns. I took up a bunch of the fern roots, and also planted an assortment of wildflower seeds, as well as bulbs for hot pink and orange lilies. Then I mulched the whole mess around all the artfully placed rocks, and carefully positioned the new icon of the Germantown neighborhood:

You can't see our new pink glass and copper fowl friend terribly well in this photo, but I call him Crackers, after the chicken pervert son in the John Waters classic "Pink Flamingoes". Something tells me all is not right with my garden decisions, though. I saw this on my way home from Garden Ridge this afternoon:

Crackers' days may already be numbered.

"Check Into Cash" to Sell Don Johnson Ranch

A spokesperson for the high-interest last-resort lender acknowledged that the clerk who accepted two "Miami Vice" paychecks as proof of income has been placed on suspension.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Hasselhoff Ordered to Stay Away From Wife

Where do I sign up for this? I think David Hasselhoff restraining orders are destined to become the Ipod of 2006.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

America the Beautiful

America, you are fabulous! You know the white Gary Coleman when you see him, and you voted him off American Idol. Perhaps after the 2004 election, America grew a teeny bit smarter. Good bye Chicken Little, my little talentfree permanent virgin!

Now, where the hell did I put that champagne?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Idol Hands are the Devil's Reality Show

When Siegfried...

donates to Barbara...

and Barbara gets Lisa Ling to carry their spawn, you get...

You have to give Barry credit, though. He took a fag hag in a bathhouse, and between bouts of mansex, made her the superstar we now know as Bette Midler. Likewise, his musical direction made virtually all the AI kids seem like they could have a hit record...except for Bucky. Or Lisa.

Mandisa is so fantastic, and I so loved her performance. That said, I have to agree with the Advocate's commentator when he said he sees her future: three or four dance hits and then the next 20 years riding on a float at gay pride.

Bucky should have stuck with his Austin Scarlett least it made something about him interesting.

For the first time, I didn't see Paris as a little girl trying to wear her mommy's shoes.

Chris Daughtry noted that he identified with Johnny Cash's "Walk The Line" since he wrote it for his wife promising to be faithful while on the road. I hope he identifies with it because Johnny shagged someone rotten while on the road, despite that song. Chris, come see me. You can even call me June.

Anyone notice Simon Cowell hanging onto a green cigarette lighter for no apparent reason tonight? I think he's hoping to set Paula on fire when she blows her amaretto sour breath his way. Good god, someone needs to take her pharmacist(s) and spank some ass! Also, her hair is all hanging in her face, like she's trying to hide some cosmetic surgery scars (and believe me, I'm the authority on that).

And then Paula proves she's drunk by telling Little Miss Perfect Lisa with her half octave range that it was her best week yet. I'm guessing Lisa's classmates really want to beat her up.

Barry advised Kevin Covais to sing really really quietly. Good advice...obviously Barry has been watching the show and knows the less we hear of Kevin, the better.

I still think Kellie Pickler is a phony. She sounded pretty okay, looked like she had been styled by Paris Hilton's maid, and when she a rake down a chalkboard. On behalf of southerners, I apologize to America.

Every week Ace stays in this contest proves just how far "fuckable" will take you in America. Okay, so he sounded good this week, but he just seems to try so hard to give those smoldering glances, it is like he's posing for a Tiger Beat photo shoot. He's cute, but he's not sexy. You can't force sexy. If he were really sexy, he wouldn't have to try so hard. Paula thought he was sexy, of course, but Paula hit that boy who looks like Kevin Federline.

Obviously I have already made up my mind. Give me Mandisa, Paris, and Chris. I'll let McPhee stay if she does something interesting.

Notice that no comments were made about Ryan Seacrest this evening...I'm trying to wean myself from mean comments about Whitney, Star, Britney and Ryan. It is too easy.

JC vs. ABBA, and the first sign of a smile line

And finally in my trilogy of Joan Crawford-related posts this evening, here is a fantastic video of Joan Crawford's alleged child abuse, precisely choreographed to the music of ABBA.

Given that I have generally looked like JC beat the crap out of me with a wire hanger, those of you who have been following my surgical saga will be pleased to know that tonight, swelling has gone down just enough that I have a smile line on that side. I never thought I would be so grateful to see a wrinkle.

Britney's been into the setting lotion again

America's beloved white trash princess has a new do (photo courtesy of Pink is the New Blog).

Strange...that hairdo looks so familiar...

I think it goes without saying that like Christina Crawford, Britney knows where to find the boys and the booze.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Faye Dunaway is Bloody BRILLIANT!

And she would agree with me on that. Granted, I'm still mystified as to why she didn't receive her second Oscar for her operatic performance in the GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE, "Mommie Dearest", but after hearing what I've linked below, I think you may think I'm right too. The fabulous folks at D-Listed have obtained a voicemail recording of Faye tearing some poor fool a new one.

Faye Dunaway is old school. If Naomi Campbell tried to clock her with a cell phone, you know Faye would tear her spindly arm out of its socket and beat her to death with the bleeding stump. This is the proof

All I could think of when I heard this was, "Barbara Bennett is here from New York doing a cover story on me for Redbook, and I don't want any trouble out of you!"

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Nothing Compares 2 Poo

Prior to becoming a Jehovah's Witness and subsequently an endless bore by refusing to play any of his dirty music, Prince was even more of an innovator than we ever imagined. Why is that, you ask? Just read the following exerpt from a recent e-mail interview:

Q: What do your fans not know about you?
A: There's a lot that fans don't know about me. People tend 2 project on2 U whatever they want 2 c.
Q: What are your thoughts on the music business with the advent of mobile and digital?
A: Music is a sound nrg wave that is best xperienced LIVE. Because eye play music, eye have a different perspective on how it should b delivered. That said, eye (am) not so sure a musician would have come up with the idea 2 sell music in the digital realm.

As it turns out, on top of writing gems like "Head", "Sexy Motherfucker", and "Dirty Mind", Prince anticipated the incredibly irritating writing style of 14-year-old girls on MySpace profiles. Genius, I tell you!

A spoonful of sugar

I quit smoking on September 24, 2005. Since then, I have gained 21 pounds. Now, people carrying some extra weight probably get pissed off when I complain that I've gained weight. Am I fat? No, definitely not. But none of my clothes fit, I can't afford to buy new ones, and this is not a normal weight for me. Seriously, I have probably 15 pairs of slacks (I love that's so retro!) for work, and can get into maybe three pairs of them. Anyway, I've gone back to how I ate when I was a workout fanatic, but now I'm doing it on the SugarBusters diet. I started Monday night, and have lost around 4 pounds so far...woo-hoo!

Still, I'd sell a Girl Scout for a Girl Scout cookie right about now.

The Egg Game

Want to waste way too much time? Go to and choose Dozen to play the Egg Game. It's dumber than Pong, just as much fun.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Face Update

A brief medical update before getting back to the funny:

I spoke with my NYC doc's nurse this afternoon, and either I was high on pain meds or they just didn't go into detail, but six weeks was not the time frame for all of this mess on my face to be gone. That was the time frame for most of the swelling to go. However, doing massive amounts of surgery on soft tissue does result in that tissue going all hard and stiff for quite some time. I'm now hearing three full months to see the final results of the surgery. I'm also told that the current state of my face is normal at this stage after surgery. I've got to send them pics tomorrow, and if they think my progress really has stalled, they'll discuss options like steroid injections.

Patience is without a doubt the most overrated virtue. Ever have to do a project at work with someone who might be described as patient? If you get assigned to do so, just go ahead and do the project yourself because patient people never get a damn thing done. Yes, I realize that I'm a wee bit Type A, but I swear the next person that tells me to be patient about this surgery is going to get a beatdown.

Where the Hell is my chiffon?!

Just as a character, Andrae was my favorite designer on this season of Project Runway, but now I have to hate him. Why? Because he really did go to the Red Lobster with Daddy Tim Gunn. Where's Andrae? In a trunk somewhere in Queens if he keeps messing with my man!

New Study: Chili Peppers Kill Prostate Cancer Cells

I just knew there was a reason I got shagged by all those Hispanic men when I lived out in Albuquerque.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Capsaicin, which makes peppers hot, can cause prostate cancer cells to kill themselves, U.S. and Japanese researchers said on Wednesday.
Capsaicin led 80 percent of human prostate cancer cells growing in mice to commit suicide in a process known as apoptosis, the researchers said.
Prostate cancer tumors in mice fed capsaicin were about one-fifth the size of tumors in untreated mice, they reported in the journal Cancer Research.
"Capsaicin had a profound anti-proliferative effect on human prostate cancer cells in culture," said Dr. Soren Lehmann of the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and the University of California Los Angeles School of Medicine.
"It also dramatically slowed the development of prostate tumors formed by those human cell lines grown in mouse models."
While it is far easier to cure cancer in mice infected with human tumors than it is in human beings, the findings suggest a possible future treatment. They also may offer a good excuse for men who like spicy food to eat more of it.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

When stylists attack

I had decided to refrain from posting about American Idol until I realized that tonight is when the stylists are unleashed. If you didn't know, once the top 12 is decided, the producers bring in stylists to give the singers much more attention in crafting a look, sometimes to their detriment, as when Bo Bice started to resemble Sarah Jessica Parker at one point last season.

I would assume these stylists are pretty darned pushy because I can't imagine Bucky voluntarily went from this...

To this...

Is it safe to say that Bucky must have made a mean comment about the homos backstage, and he got what he deserved? Probably. Still, that stylist is one bitchy-assed evil queen.

That's Mr. Federline to you!

This morning, I sent in my seat deposit to join the class of 2009 at Brandeis School of Law this August. I was e-mailing the assistant dean of admissions a question regarding my financial aid earlier this evening because I am hoping to obtain enough aid to enable me to quit my job and be a part of the full-time program. That's when it hit income, burgeoning waistline, being supported by a spouse...

Holy shit, sweet fancy Moses, I'm becoming K-Fed!!!

Monday, March 13, 2006

Health update

I almost forgot, this blog is supposed to be about my health journey, not my smarmy comments regarding celebrity escapades! So, I got tapped like a maple tree on Friday. The doc drew out this giganto syringe full of fluid from my tummy where the infection has set up under the incision from surgery six weeks ago. I am still amazed this just popped up out of nowhere so long after surgery. It looked like corn oil (which is perhaps an indication that my diet really sucks these days), and that turned out to be a good thing since if it had been thick and nasty, he had planned to hospitalize me for the weekend. So, I'm doing well on that front. Not much change at all on my face, and my frustration level is rising by the day. I just want this to be over so I can start planning for the next phase of things...the cosmetic work! Seriously, I'm trying to get in touch with my doctor in NYC, and I will update as to whether this is normal recovery or not. Until then, I'm in denial and distracting myself with celebrity follies because that is how I roll.

Love...exciting and new

Happy 65th birthday to the quintessential "Love Boat" guest star, Charo! For the record, Charo now works the lunchtime drive-thru at a Burger King in Louisville, Kentucky. She's damn near impossible to understand through the speaker, but she has a fabulous little shimmy when she delivers your onion rings and BK Big Fish. I would try to snap a picture of her only I am on my first day of the Sugar Busters diet, and it really is a bit early for me to have a nervous breakdown resulting in substituting batter fried vegetables for love and accceptance. Give it a week or so at least.

Ground-up Lightbulb Found in Seacrest's Face Powder

Veteren E! News anchor Guiliana DePandi released by police due to lack of evidence.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Project So-So

Can you believe a strayt girl won on Project So-Gay last night? But how could she help winning when the two gay boys handed it to her on a platter. Everything I've read so far regarding the show has slagged Chloe, including my boyfriend/Project So-Gay mentor/silver fox Tim Gunn. Personally I always rather liked her. I like her use of color, she does such interesting seaming in her work that just glides along the body in a very flattering way, and no one looks ugly in her clothes. The fact is, Jay McCarroll was innovative...Santino is a hack trying to pass off a hot-glued mess as innovation. When it came down to creating actual garments for the professionals, he couldn't pull it off. Oh, and you can make things as innovative as you want, but what is the point if it makes every woman wearing it look like her tits are at her knees?

As for Daniel, who had the innovation but forgot to use it, I have four words for his collection: Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation.

Chloe's collection was very "Dynasty" meets "Empire of the Sun". While it didn't make me see beauty in something totally new like Jay of last season, I thought it was hot. Girl is in desperate need of a queen to help her with her snaps when someone insults her. "I can't help it if I had the skills, honey!"? You just know Santino was pointing at her and laughing.

Oh Daddy Tim, don't hate me for loving Chloe! Feel free to punish me any way you see fit!

Crack is Wack

I found out Tuesday night that I know an actual honest-to-god real life crack whore. She is a dear friend of mine from when I lived in Albuquerque several years ago who also happens to be a transexual. Well, back in the day she always liked crystal, which I knew, but at the time I was such a drug mess myself out there that I didn't think much about it. These days it seems she likes a hit on a pipe every now and again...disturbing to say the least, and I do hope she is okay since obviously I haven't really kept in touch.

So anyway, my friend Joe was telling me that he was watching television recently, and the local news was doing a sting operation with the police. There on the video was my girl approaching a car like it was Eddie Murphy inside, getting in, driving around the corner to close the deal, and then being busted, cuffed, and stuffed into a cop car! She was sucking pee pee for crack money!!! I just can't believe I actually know and am friends with a crack whore.

This is probably as close as I will ever get to knowing Whitney Houston.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Peta Advocates Cruelty to One Chicken

So help me, if you watch Idol tonight and cast a vote for John Denver's butt baby, I will hunt you down and kill you in your sleep! I can't take another night of serenades from Satan's Choirboy!

I'd turn it off, but I do like having a variety of topics about which to complain.

THURSDAY NIGHT UPDATE: America, you are sooooooo dead!

Two big hunks of mullet love

This will mean nothing to you if you don't live in Louisville. I had an appointment today in the Iroquois Park area, on S. Third Street near the big gigantic cowboy hat Arby's sign. This is what I saw in the waiting room.

Say what you will about my neighborhood. You won't find these as part of the native flora and fauna.

I feel so dirty is such a nasty word. And evidently I am a nasty boy because I have one. Here's the story: when I had surgery on my face six weeks ago and they removed the venous malformation mass from my cheek, they say they removed so much that they had to fill in a couple of spots (you could have fooled me because I'm STILL swollen, but that's another story). Anyway, they sliced me across my tummy and took a fat graft from there. No big deal, and these days I have a bit to spare. Yesterday, I noticed my tummy hurt, and since I was in my office alone after my team had gone home, I lifted my shirt to see what was happening down there. My "tummy smile" as I have taken to calling it is all red and inflamed, and swollen all around it. And it hurt!

Fearing I had gotten a hernia or some such horror, I visited my doc today who sent me on to a surgeon. It seems that some germs have probably been lurking in there since before the wound healed (quite a while back), and there is a bunch of goo under the surface. They put me on Cipro and if it doesn't go down, it is going to have to be drained on Friday. Cipro...isn't that what they put you on when you're exposed to anthrax? Wouldn't it be just like me to have gotten anthrax in my tummy?

Oh, you thought this story was going to be about one of those kind of infections! Sorry! For the record, I've commented before that I've gained weight since I quit smoking. I sucked in for this shot, hoping it would show how much the infection area sticks out, but it didn't really. My doc circled it with all its redness, and if it expands beyond the Sharpie mark, I have to get it tapped like they're draining me for maple syrup or something. What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Schlepping to the Oldies

Ever go to a party and try to have a conversation with a stranger about the music playing, only to discover you've been trapped by the dreaded Rock Snob? That's the guy who will only listen to a band if he's one of their 10 fans. He criticizes you for not knowing more about quality music, but of course if you and 10 of your friends actually start to listen to said band, he will accuse them of having sold out.

I am never that guy, and that is one of the many reasons you should talk to me at a party (another is that I know where the good liquor is and probably a good bit of dirt on the hostess). At worst, I will throw out some dancefloor oddity at you. For the most part, I am an unabashed fan of pointless catchy pop music. This music is the sort that, when you're driving and you hear it on the radio, you know the words but you don't know why. Many people would hide this behind something more intellectual, but I put mine right out there on the shelf (though admittedly, I own two Spice Girls CDs that I won't allow to be seen).

So anyway, not that anyone cares, I started putting together a little list hoping to stir some debate in the comments section. After finishing the list of my favorite pop songs (leaving off a handful of classics from the 60s by Dusty Springfield and the Mamas and the Papas), I realized something.


With the exception of #11, all of them were recorded at least 15-20 years ago! Am I listening to oldies? WTF?!

1. "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)" by Dead or Alive
2. "Bizarre Love Triangle" by New Order
3. "Rock Lobster" by the B-52s
4. "How Soon Is Now" by the Smiths
5. "Suedehead" by Morrissey
6. "Being Boring" by the Pet Shop Boys
7. "Venus" by Bananarama
8. "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" by Culture Club
9. "Invisible" by Alison Moyet
10. "Like a Prayer" by Madonna
11. "Believe" by Cher

I think I will just go back into denial and convince myself that aside from Cher, no one has recorded anything good since 1989.

That's right, bea-yatch!

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!
But you already knew this, didn't you?

Kellie Pickler is playing your ass

I actually bought Kellie Pickler's sweet little moron from the sticks bit until tonight when she took it one too far. "I had sall-mun!" She grew up in North Carolina next to the ocean. Besides, it's a fish, not bloody baba ganoush!

I'm so voting for Mandisa tonight.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Charlize Theron...daughter of Missy Hart?!

Something has been bugging me all day about Charlize Theron's look at the Oscars. Not that it was tired (which it was). Not even that her dress looked like Joan Collins' daughter designed it sometime back in 1986 while she attended a special education home ec class (and I'm fairly certain it was). No, the hair was getting to me. It looked so familiar, so deeply and disturbinly familiar. Then I realized...

I haven't seen hair like that since the last time I watched "9 to 5".

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Live From the Red Carpet

Greetings from the opposite of Hollywood, lovely Louisville, Kentucky! If you have suffered through my e-mail reviews for the past five years, I hope you enjoy our new live commentary here on Trading Faces. We're coming to you live from the home of the fabulous Miss Jo Self. Instead of one bitch, tonight's review will be featuring multiple bitches, and I'm not just talking about my personalities. Craig and I are enjoying the company of The Wayward Actors theater company. When one of them makes a snarky comment, I'll give the credit where credit is due. So, without further ado, here comes the evil!

5:43pm Red carpet coverage has already started on E! with Ryan Semencrest, but I won't be blogging for another 30 minutes or so. One can only be so catty about the accountants of Price Waterhouse Cooper as they arrive. No one important is going to start showing up until later. Have a cocktail, and don't worry about missing anything good.

6:30 pm Someone tell Tyson Beckfor that Ryan Seacrest can't give him any parts, and thus he should avoid allowing himself to be talked into stripping to his shorts for Seacrest's amusement. That casting couch didn't do anything for Jim Verraros on Idol, and it won't do a thing for you!

6:36 pm I like Kiera Knightley's big necklace. I liked it even better when I saw it on the neck of the former Empress of New York. I'm not saying she was or is a man, but I was wondering why big queen Tom Ford agreed to be rubbing up against her nakedness on the cover of Vanity Fair.

Rich: "Is Dolly Parton's relative good taste this evening a sign of impending apocalypse?" I think it might be.

6:42 pm Is there only one designer dress available in Australia? Michelle Williams looks lovely, almost as lovely as Nicole Kidman looked in nearly the same dress a few years ago.

6:50 pm Steve Carrell's date looks remarkably like Helen Hunt, and yet I don't feel the need to slap her. That is how I am certain she is not in fact Helen Hunt.

7:00 pm Tim Burton and Phil Spector, separated at birth? Perhaps. Tim got finished with his grooming so quickly that he had time to do Helena Bonham Carter's hair. And isn't it always nice when someone gets to reuse a bridesmaid dress?

Becky: "Is that Chastity Bono?"
Christopher: "No, that's People Magazine's Steven Cojocaru!"

7:09 pm Jo as Ang Lee: "I read 'Bridges of Madison County' and thought it would be fabulous with gay cowboys!"

7:13 pm Donatella Versace is going to leap out of the bushes and beat Jessica Alba's ass down for the way she said when asked about her dress, "It's Versace" with a look on her face like she smelled something bad. Maybe what she smelled was Ryan's attempt to prove his heterosexuality. I'm glad I didn't go through with my Ryan Seacrest drinking game (take a shot every time he pretends he isn't gay) because even I can't drink that much.

7:22 pm Security is lax this year...somehow Sandra Bullock managed to get in. If she can get in, I would expect Bai Ling to show up at any given moment. Sandra is so b-list that she had to get her hair done three days ago.

7:28 pm Felicity Huffman looks HOT! Morgan Freeman, on the other hand, just got in from a yacht trip. That, or Scooby Doo's Fred dressed him.

7:51 pm Did the production company blow the entire budget on Jon Stewart's salary, and that is how we got stuck with Life & Style hostess Cynthia Garrett on the pre-show? For five more dollars an hour, they could have at least have gotten the cast of "The View."

8:10 pm Jon Stewart is the funniest host they've hired in years! So why aren't the stars laughing? Charlize Theron looks like he peed on her Manolos. I guess it is true that cocaine and botox taken in the wrong proportions will sap you of your sense of humor.

8:20 pm "So I guess I'm not winning Best Director," commented George Clooney when accepting his Best Supporting Actor award. Dude, you were a bit player on "The Facts of Life." You could have ended up with Geri Jewell's career, so appreciate it.

8:37 pm Did anyone else think Naomi Watts looked pregnant? Perhaps she should have re-thought her choice of a scratching post cozy as her Oscar dress.

I'm so relieved! Dolly Parton changed outfits and looks like a transexual stripper again! Incidentally, I think I have those same shoes.

8:52 pm Ladies and gentlemen, please put away your phones and keep them out of the reach of our next presenter, Russell Crowe!

9:00 pm It's the technical awards...smoke 'em if you've got 'em.

9:22 pm It was so sad to see Lauren Bacall be a bit of a mess reading her lines when you know she is one of the most intelligent actresses ever to grace the screen. I was almost so sad that I didn't want to comment on her necklace she picked up at Tuesday Morning.

9:32 pm Rich: Who would have thought a cast of 1,000 nuns would win for best documentary?

9:35 pm Best song nominee from "Crash": Strange props and interpretive dance...Debbie Allen must be back, baby!

9:40 Where are all the seat fillers? Lots of empty seats, which is understandable since they're giving all the boring awards, but still, you expect some fillers. I would personally love to be a seat filler someday. I wonder if you get to choose whose seat you fill? If so, I'd want to fill a seat for Lindsay Lohan or Courtney Love...I'd get to see almost the entire show since you know they spend most of their evening in a bathroom stall.

10:01 pm Becky to Jessica Alba: "Eat something! There are starving kids in China who will feed you!"

10:20 pm "It's hard out here for a pimp. Just tryin' to get the money for his rent." Isn't that line lifted from Shakespeare? Perhaps from "A Midsummer Night's Bling"?

10:25 pm Craig during the Pimp song acceptance speeches: "Where is Barbara Billingsly to translate when you need her?"

10:32 pm And according to our in-house Applause-O-Meter, the most popular dead person this year is...Anne Bancroft! Thanks for playing, Eddie Albert, but the audience just didn't like you quite enough.

10:47 pm Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins Best Actor, and the takeover of America by the Gay Mafia continues.

10:52 pm John Travolta seems to be ordering his hair from Ron Popeil.

11:02 pm If you're accepting the award for Best Actress, mention your husband up-front. If you don't, they will keep the camera on his face until you do, just to see if you're going to Chad Lowe him.

11:12 pm It's okay that Felicity Huffman didn't win for "Transamerica." Her tranny character won with Larry McMurtry for co-writing "Brokeback Mountain".

11:22 pm Who let Owen Wilson's dad in to announce the best picture nominees?

11:24 pm Finally, someone gets excited! Everyone has been so nonchalant about winning tonight until "Crash"'s upset. Of course, I'm the only person in the room who thought "Brokeback" should have had the award, but it was totally worth it for someone to look happy to win. I would, however, like to be backstage to watch David Geffen and Elton John taking turns pistol-whipping a lackey from the Gay Mafia, screaming, "Which one of you bitches fucked up?!"

Well, if you made it through all of the Oscars AND all of my commentary, you are a patient person in desperate need of a hobby. If you are still needing more of an Oscars fix, I suggest you head over to one of my favorite blogs,, for some really fantastic commentary. I hope everyone has a safe evening and gets home without being run down by the thousands of bitter and drunken queens who will be on the roads this evening.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

My entire self-image comes into question

You Are 58% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

Suddenly, I feel like such an underachiever.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Everyone else is doing it, so why can't I?

From what I can tell, everyone with a blog is using it to comment on "American Idol." I had decided not to indulge, but after yesterday's downer of a post coupled with tonight's goofball AI episode, I can't resist.

It isn't as though there were any question what with the flailing wrists and such, but the fact that Will was that excited to meet AI's own Sideshow Bob (aka Justin Guarini) proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is gay gay gay. Not Ryan Seacrest gay, mind you, but gay nonetheless.

Speaking of Seacrest, he looks like a damn OompaLoompa. Someone please stop letting him go to Mystic Tan with his fag hag Lindsay Lohan!

Why does everyone think Ace is so hot? His name is ACE for god's sake! No one named Ace can be hot, not even if you're in bed with him and he lets you call out someone else's name.

I think I may have bought some cookies last week outside Kroger from Kevin Covais.

Lessons we've learned from Bucky: If you don't understand food, it must be French. I have a feeling in Bucky's world, France must be an awfully big place.

David spent his entire video interview segment talking about accessories. I think it goes without saying that he and Will should not be sharing a room.

If I were a contestant on AI, I would get the others to gang up and we would beat Taylor's old spastic ass for standing in our shots and lipsyncing our songs.

Oh, this is about singing, right?! Bucky made Paula cry. He made me cry too, but that was only when he was talking and making all my fellow Southerners sound like bumpkins. He has a good voice, though. David sang nicely too. Sway, Ace, and David were as dull as dishwater. I think if I were voting, which I'm not because I usually only ever vote for the girls (Mandisa, sing out sister!), I would be torn between Gedeon, Elliot, and Chris. Given that Chris also looks like some hot rough trade, I know who has my vote.