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Thursday, March 30, 2006

Naomi: Corrupting Since 1983

A Chronology of Naomi's Bad Influence:

1983: A 14-year-old Naomi makes her debut in Culture Club's video "I'll Tumble 4 Ya." A short time later, lead singer Boy George is arrested for his abuse of heroin.

1988: Naomi makes an appearance on two episodes of beloved sitcom "The Cosby Show" as a friend of Theo's. Her appearance correlates with Lisa Bonet flipping out, making "Angel Heart," marrying Lenny Kravitz, and ceasing to bathe.

1991: Naomi dances provacatively with Michael Jackson in the video for his ironically named single "In the Closet". Shortly after, MJ resorts to medical science to no longer be black.

1992: Along with Vanilla Ice, Naomi appears nekkid in Madonna's book "Sex." Madonna's career has never been quite right since.

1993: During her brief engagement to U2 bass guitarist Adam Clayton, the band puts out "Zooropa," a certified piece of crap. This union also inspired Naomi to make her album "Baby Woman", which was an enormous runaway southeast Asia.

2005: After taking several years off from ruining celebrity lives, instead preferring to ruin the lives of her employees, Naomi comes back with a vengeance as her BFF Kate Moss is photographed Hoovering up half the Columbian output of cocaine.

Also 2005: Proving that there is no accounting for the effect a coked-up heartless supermodel can have on a child, little Rudy Huxtable becomes a crack whore. Not that she wouldn't have anyway, but still.

Makes you want to go for some Jell-O Pudding Pops, doesn't it? Clearly, Naomi must be stopped. The judge who granted her bail is putting the careers of countless celebrities in danger.

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