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Sunday, March 05, 2006

Live From the Red Carpet

Greetings from the opposite of Hollywood, lovely Louisville, Kentucky! If you have suffered through my e-mail reviews for the past five years, I hope you enjoy our new live commentary here on Trading Faces. We're coming to you live from the home of the fabulous Miss Jo Self. Instead of one bitch, tonight's review will be featuring multiple bitches, and I'm not just talking about my personalities. Craig and I are enjoying the company of The Wayward Actors theater company. When one of them makes a snarky comment, I'll give the credit where credit is due. So, without further ado, here comes the evil!

5:43pm Red carpet coverage has already started on E! with Ryan Semencrest, but I won't be blogging for another 30 minutes or so. One can only be so catty about the accountants of Price Waterhouse Cooper as they arrive. No one important is going to start showing up until later. Have a cocktail, and don't worry about missing anything good.

6:30 pm Someone tell Tyson Beckfor that Ryan Seacrest can't give him any parts, and thus he should avoid allowing himself to be talked into stripping to his shorts for Seacrest's amusement. That casting couch didn't do anything for Jim Verraros on Idol, and it won't do a thing for you!

6:36 pm I like Kiera Knightley's big necklace. I liked it even better when I saw it on the neck of the former Empress of New York. I'm not saying she was or is a man, but I was wondering why big queen Tom Ford agreed to be rubbing up against her nakedness on the cover of Vanity Fair.

Rich: "Is Dolly Parton's relative good taste this evening a sign of impending apocalypse?" I think it might be.

6:42 pm Is there only one designer dress available in Australia? Michelle Williams looks lovely, almost as lovely as Nicole Kidman looked in nearly the same dress a few years ago.

6:50 pm Steve Carrell's date looks remarkably like Helen Hunt, and yet I don't feel the need to slap her. That is how I am certain she is not in fact Helen Hunt.

7:00 pm Tim Burton and Phil Spector, separated at birth? Perhaps. Tim got finished with his grooming so quickly that he had time to do Helena Bonham Carter's hair. And isn't it always nice when someone gets to reuse a bridesmaid dress?

Becky: "Is that Chastity Bono?"
Christopher: "No, that's People Magazine's Steven Cojocaru!"

7:09 pm Jo as Ang Lee: "I read 'Bridges of Madison County' and thought it would be fabulous with gay cowboys!"

7:13 pm Donatella Versace is going to leap out of the bushes and beat Jessica Alba's ass down for the way she said when asked about her dress, "It's Versace" with a look on her face like she smelled something bad. Maybe what she smelled was Ryan's attempt to prove his heterosexuality. I'm glad I didn't go through with my Ryan Seacrest drinking game (take a shot every time he pretends he isn't gay) because even I can't drink that much.

7:22 pm Security is lax this year...somehow Sandra Bullock managed to get in. If she can get in, I would expect Bai Ling to show up at any given moment. Sandra is so b-list that she had to get her hair done three days ago.

7:28 pm Felicity Huffman looks HOT! Morgan Freeman, on the other hand, just got in from a yacht trip. That, or Scooby Doo's Fred dressed him.

7:51 pm Did the production company blow the entire budget on Jon Stewart's salary, and that is how we got stuck with Life & Style hostess Cynthia Garrett on the pre-show? For five more dollars an hour, they could have at least have gotten the cast of "The View."

8:10 pm Jon Stewart is the funniest host they've hired in years! So why aren't the stars laughing? Charlize Theron looks like he peed on her Manolos. I guess it is true that cocaine and botox taken in the wrong proportions will sap you of your sense of humor.

8:20 pm "So I guess I'm not winning Best Director," commented George Clooney when accepting his Best Supporting Actor award. Dude, you were a bit player on "The Facts of Life." You could have ended up with Geri Jewell's career, so appreciate it.

8:37 pm Did anyone else think Naomi Watts looked pregnant? Perhaps she should have re-thought her choice of a scratching post cozy as her Oscar dress.

I'm so relieved! Dolly Parton changed outfits and looks like a transexual stripper again! Incidentally, I think I have those same shoes.

8:52 pm Ladies and gentlemen, please put away your phones and keep them out of the reach of our next presenter, Russell Crowe!

9:00 pm It's the technical awards...smoke 'em if you've got 'em.

9:22 pm It was so sad to see Lauren Bacall be a bit of a mess reading her lines when you know she is one of the most intelligent actresses ever to grace the screen. I was almost so sad that I didn't want to comment on her necklace she picked up at Tuesday Morning.

9:32 pm Rich: Who would have thought a cast of 1,000 nuns would win for best documentary?

9:35 pm Best song nominee from "Crash": Strange props and interpretive dance...Debbie Allen must be back, baby!

9:40 Where are all the seat fillers? Lots of empty seats, which is understandable since they're giving all the boring awards, but still, you expect some fillers. I would personally love to be a seat filler someday. I wonder if you get to choose whose seat you fill? If so, I'd want to fill a seat for Lindsay Lohan or Courtney Love...I'd get to see almost the entire show since you know they spend most of their evening in a bathroom stall.

10:01 pm Becky to Jessica Alba: "Eat something! There are starving kids in China who will feed you!"

10:20 pm "It's hard out here for a pimp. Just tryin' to get the money for his rent." Isn't that line lifted from Shakespeare? Perhaps from "A Midsummer Night's Bling"?

10:25 pm Craig during the Pimp song acceptance speeches: "Where is Barbara Billingsly to translate when you need her?"

10:32 pm And according to our in-house Applause-O-Meter, the most popular dead person this year is...Anne Bancroft! Thanks for playing, Eddie Albert, but the audience just didn't like you quite enough.

10:47 pm Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins Best Actor, and the takeover of America by the Gay Mafia continues.

10:52 pm John Travolta seems to be ordering his hair from Ron Popeil.

11:02 pm If you're accepting the award for Best Actress, mention your husband up-front. If you don't, they will keep the camera on his face until you do, just to see if you're going to Chad Lowe him.

11:12 pm It's okay that Felicity Huffman didn't win for "Transamerica." Her tranny character won with Larry McMurtry for co-writing "Brokeback Mountain".

11:22 pm Who let Owen Wilson's dad in to announce the best picture nominees?

11:24 pm Finally, someone gets excited! Everyone has been so nonchalant about winning tonight until "Crash"'s upset. Of course, I'm the only person in the room who thought "Brokeback" should have had the award, but it was totally worth it for someone to look happy to win. I would, however, like to be backstage to watch David Geffen and Elton John taking turns pistol-whipping a lackey from the Gay Mafia, screaming, "Which one of you bitches fucked up?!"

Well, if you made it through all of the Oscars AND all of my commentary, you are a patient person in desperate need of a hobby. If you are still needing more of an Oscars fix, I suggest you head over to one of my favorite blogs, http://theguildedmoose.blogspot.com, for some really fantastic commentary. I hope everyone has a safe evening and gets home without being run down by the thousands of bitter and drunken queens who will be on the roads this evening.

4 comments:

dr buck said...

I thought Waylon Flowers and Madame died long ago, but apparently Dolly Parton is the one who is dead and she has been replaced by that wooden dynamo of comedic genius. I was looking for a gay guy with a hand up her ass pulling the strings. She scared me.

dr buck said...

I think Chad Lowe must have gotten custody of all of the food in his separation agreement. Either that or Swank got some ribs removed like Cher.

dr buck said...

I don't know about you, but I found the show to be so boring that I did laundry, surfed the net, and flipped the channel to a clip show of Flavor of Love during the acceptance speeches. Your blog was the only thing keeping me the least bit interested.

JonboySF said...

Now I know why you love Craig so much...if my boyfriend ever made a Barbara Billingsly reference I'd send him flowers and be his slave for life. Your commentary had me roaring with laughter - thanks!