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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

It's all my fault

A tragedy took place a couple of weeks ago, and I feel it is my duty to step up and admit my responsibility for it.

Oscar-winner Hilary Swank and her TV movie-of-the-week actor husband Chad Lowe are on their way to divorce court. How is this my fault, you ask? Sayeth Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan. during this week's distraction from the state of the nation gay marriage debate in the Senate, "It is a moral and societal imperative that we foster and encourage the institution of marriage."

If only we had fostered the institution of marriage earlier by making sure I can't be involved in it, surely Hilary and Chad would still be together. Thankfully, the Senate is taking care of this error, and I have some surprising news for the Bush administration from the fine fags at Trading Faces: you go right ahead and pass that Constitutional amendment.

That's right, I want them to pass it. Pass it and prove my faggoty ass wrong. Show me how excluding me from marriage will help society. But know this....if after five years the divorce rate (which by the way is statistically FAR higher for Southern evangelical Christians than it is for Yankee agnostics) is not cut in half, I want my money back. Right now I'm paying for 1,300+ benefits that straight married couples get by virtue of their sanctified institution, and if that monkey in the White House and his crew of bigots can't prove that the reason they want to exclude me is for reasons of protecting society rather than because they just don't like boys to kiss, then I want back every dime of taxes I paid for those benefits for others. I don't care if they have to cut school lunch programs and hip-replacement funds for the elderly, because I want my damn money. And what's more, I'm going to spend all of it on lube, hair products, and designer shoes. And I'm going to do it in Canada, just to be sure that none of my money gets back into the economy!

Seems like a fair deal to me, plus it might just bring Hilary and Chad back together. Healing is what we're all about here at Trading Faces.


RunePuppy said...

It's official... I love you more than Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls!!!!

Christopher said...

And just think of how many Swiss Cake Rolls you could buy if you weren't paying for family discounts on admission to national parks!