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Monday, November 13, 2006

Gay people who get on my damn nerves

This week, Trading Faces would like to give a big shout-out to our newest member of the tribe, Mr. Doogie Howser. It has not been a good fall for the homosexuals, what with that crazy pervert in Congress and the meth-faced minister out in Colorado. Revelations of gayness of late should do nothing if not show the world that we really come from all walks of life, and not all of us are wise-cracking loons who will forcibly re-do your dining room. Most of us are quite common, and as we've seen this fall before Doogie came out, many of us are pretty darn annoying. With that, the staff of Trading Faces is pleased to present the gay folks we'd like to give back.

Lord knows I love a bitch. I also have a special place in my heart for unapologetic queens. That said, would someone PLEASE adjust Grandma's hormone replacement patches?! Good lord, Elton, don't we have enough trouble without your crazy gay ass going around advocating banning religion like some sort of reverse fundamentalist psycho? You need to sit down, hush up, and knit yourself a nice afghan.

Lance Bass, welcome out of the closet. It is always nice to have someone join us without there being a prostitute and two or three sacks of meth involved. Oh, what's that? You'd like to make it clear in People Magazine that you only like to deal with "straight-acting" gays? Well, it is a good thing your boyfriend doesn't feel the same way, fishbasket. Stop putting that kind of self-loathing bullshit out there because you're making some sissy kid in Mississippi hate himself even more.

Oh, and enough with the damn eyebrow plucking! You're starting to look like Nicolette Sheridan!

Patty, it is past Labor Day. Time to step away from the Birkenstocks. And no, you may not wear them with woolen socks. Maybe if you stopped that bullshit, you'd attract a nice girl like Ellen instead of that chick who is always calling you "sir."

We'll be seeing you at the customer service counter soon for a return. And don't even think about trying to push some store credit off on us...we want our money back!


JonboySF said...

I think Craiggers must be slipping you some half-caf again Christopher! lol But take it easy on poor takes a few years after coming out to work through the self-loathing. Maybe you sprung from your father's head, fully clothed in fabulous battle armor and devoid of any internalized homophobia but if you did you're one of the few well-adjusted mo's out there my friend. Even those of us here in Mecca say an un-PC thing or two from time to time, intended or not...

Denise Price said...

This is very funny Christopher!!
Poor Peppermint Patty!! I think she wears the Birkies because her feet are so big-
I do think Elton was a little off on that religion comment-
Good one Christopher- You brought tears to my eyes on this one (laughter that is) Denise

Christopher said...

Thank you JBS & Denise. Oh, and JBS, Entertainment Weekly this week agrees with me about Lance! Granted, that's the publication version of having Jessica Simpson agree with you, but still.

Sigh. I guess they can't all be positive and non-chalant about it like Doogie and that doctor guy from "Grey's Anatomy."

Bedazzler said...

I am just DYING for Missy Elliot's coming out statement. I don't know if I can reconcile it with her lyrical history.