Twang? Isn't that what astronauts drink?

Last week’s American Idol was so bad that I couldn’t be bothered to blog about it, to the disappointment of tens of people. Oh my but have they made it up to me this week. The celebrity helper is Kenny Rogers, and he’s virtually unidentifiable! He has had so much surgery he must be able to pee out of his chin and has to shave behind his ears. In short, I do believe he will be the new face of Trading Faces.

Our pointless theme this week is country, or Let’s Make Sure Kellie Makes It Through One More Week. Next week, in order to annoy me, I hear they're doing John Couger Menstrualcramp week.

Taylor Hicks claps for himself, proving again that he is just a little bit retarded. Paula, for once, was not, and criticized him, surprising him so much he looked as though he were about to cry. But I suppose Taylor crying AND Kenny Rubberface is too much to ask for in a single week.

God can save you from any lifestyle, Mandisa, but can he save you from a really boring performance. Clearly not. I hope her comments last week about “lifestyle” (a.k.a. radical right wing code for homo) were not directed the way I think they may have been. Without the gays, big girls with big voices end up working at call centers, a point Mandisa would be wise to learn.

Ryan, Paula, and Simon are really reminding me of the final few episodes of the Sonny and Cher song when they had broken up but the public had not been clued in yet. Randy in that case is the public. I wonder which of them will get custody of him when the divorce finally happens.

Elliot is good, as usual, but I’m starting to see a trend. No one looks like they are going to pick a song older than 10 years old, and let’s face it, the best country music is that old big-haired bedazzled suit my trailer burned down and my dog left me shit. With this attitude toward old country, is it any wonder Kenny has had so much work he looks like he stuck his face in his chicken roaster?

Ryan is now asking Paris about her hairdo. Somehow that seems right…he has to know no one bought his fake makeout session with Skeletor Hatcher last weekend. Oh yeah, and Paris was good on a song that isn’t very country, and drag queens all over the country will be downloading it tomorrow. Also, Paula didn’t like it and got booed, which would be less surprising if Paula were performing herself.

Remember that episode of “South Park” where John Stamos’s brother sang “Loving You Is Easy ‘Cause You’re Beautiful”? Yeah, Ace totally voiced that one. Paula still wants to show him her bacon flaps, though.

“To hear Kellie sing ‘Fancy’ is perfect because that’s what she’s all about.” Kellie, I think Kenny just called you a whore. It has nothing to do with that top, though. I’d comment on the vocal except that complimenting Kellie on singing country is a bit like complimenting Pam Anderson on her oral sex skills.

If I vote for him enough times, Chris Daughtry will realize he love me. Also, if he wins, having a bit less hair will become really sexy. I win both ways. Go Chris, go!

Wow, Katherine McPhee wants to be something other than Karen Carpenter with a cheeseburger! And here I thought I had gotten rid of this case of McPheever!

I love it when the contestants want to get all sensitive during a song and sit down on the stage. Bucky almost forgot he had rehearsed that move, and you could almost see the lightbulb going off over his head when he turned quickly and sat down for the quiet finish to his song. Good save, Bucky!

I’m not sure if this is my prejudice against the country bumpkins with whom I grew up, but I am absolutely convinced Bucky, and to a lesser extent Kellie, are out of their league. It is time for Bucky to go home, bartend, and host a weekly karaoke night at the Booze and Cruise.