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Saturday, October 07, 2006

The Death Rattle

Ohhhh sweet fancy Moses, I'm hungover!

Not this hungover, mind you, but hungover nonetheless.

Last night, I forgot that I'm not in my 20s anymore, and went out to celebrate our first law school exam with some schoolmates. I won't go into details other than to say there was Indian food, someone's apartment, blueberry Stoli, bourbon, dirty martinis, two bars, and a pukey cab
ride involved (no, I was not the one who lost his curry...I'm far too much of a pro for that sort of thing). Not surprisingly, I currently have a wee headache that feels somewhat like Sharon Stone giving me an icepick to the head while forcing me to watch "Basic Instinct 2."

Since I'm hearing the death rattle in my head today, I thought I might steal my pal Nurse Ratched's recent morbid-but-fun post on the songs I would like played at my funeral. Not to bring down the room, but having lost an inordinate number of friends at an early age to strange tragedies, I have given a great deal of thought to my own mortality. I also live in the land of denial, so I prefer to think of it all as planning a big party in my own honor. People from my part of the country do this whole funeral ritual involving open caskets, lots of country food, and preachers. I want no part of any of that morbidity. My family can do what they like with the understanding that I will come back and haunt a bitch who lets someone conduct a sermon over my embalmed corpse. My friends, however, are going to be under instructions to rent out a large comfortable room. There will be an open bar and fantastic snacks. After everyone has had the opportunity to get good and soused, everyone will take a seat and listen as each person goes up to a microphone to tell the absolute most embarrassing story about me they know. It will be fabulous! Edwin, get that story about the "theater" seat ready. You too, Kitty Litter, with the tale of the where the bad man touched you inappropriately. And during the cocktail portion of the evening, the following music will most definitely be playing:

1. "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, because I am (or was) one.

2. "Last Dance" by Donna Summer, because I'm just that obvious.

3. "Land of the Living" by Kristine W., because I will still be alive in the land of the living...when I'm haunting your ass!

4. "I Wouldn't Change a Thing" by Kylie Minogue, because I don't believe in regrets.

5. "I Am Thin and Gorgeous" by Junior Vasquez and the AbFab ladies, because a few days after death, I'll finally get back down to the size I always wanted.

6. "Holiday" by Madonna, because I'm gay and have to have something by Madonna. It's one of the items on the contract we have to sign when we cross over.

7. "Peace Train (Holy Roller Mix)" by Dolly Parton, because I started life as one kind of holy roller and ended it as a whole other kind.

8. "I Know It's Over" by the Smiths, because it is morbid and kinda funny all at once.

9. "Dead Man's Party" by Oingo Boingo, because it will be my party, and I can die if I want to.

10. "It's a Sin" by Pet Shop Boys, because when I look back upon my life, for everything I long to do, it's a sin.

11. "Save Up All Your Tears" by Cher, because there's no crying allowed unless it is accompanied by a smartass remark.

It's going to be a helluva a party...I hope you can all make it in about 50 years or so!


Ces said...

Hey, these are great songs and the mourners will probably have a great time!

Have you ever thought what clothes they are going to put on you? My friends and I talked about that in college!

grofam said...

Christopher, this is totally unrelated to the latter part of your post. Question about law school. My daughter just took the LSAT and feels very good about it (could be a big let-down coming). She is waiting to apply to schools until she gets her score. Do you know of a link to any site where the different areas of law are described? I think she needs to research law schools based on what areas she might be interested in but haven't a clue what all areas are out there. She has done internships with a public defender's office, the state legislature, and with an estates/wills attorneys. She has enjoyed all of them. She is really enjoying the PD's office. Likes those criminal cases. TIA Julie

dr chad said...


I know you asked Chris, but I do career assessments and have a few websites for your daughter to Google. The first is the Occupational Outlook Handbook. It lists the different areas within specific careers, and it will help her identify which ones are most interesting. You can also examine salaries, projected job growth, education needed, and other info. It has really been helpful to my clients. Another site is It also lists info on several different types of careers within areas such as law and medicine. Finally, she might want to take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which is usually available online for free so as to keep people like me from making money. It will give her a personality profile type, and this may help her identify her strengths and how they would match a speciifc type of law.

Hope this helps.

Mother Jones RN said...

Party on, my dear. Happy to hear you made it through your first big test.

Christopher said...

Ces, if I can't be taxidermied to be propped up in a corner like a mannequin, I intend on being cremated. Or laid out on a rock in the Ganges to be pecked by the birds, whichever is easiest. (that last bit was for the AbFab fans out there)

Julie, what Dr. Chad, said. That's my answer. :) Really though, I would STRONGLY advise her to take her average practice exam LSAT and drop it a point or two (most everyone goes down a tiny bit on the real thing...I went down one point), take her undergrad GPA, and go to the Law School Locator at
That gives you a good idea of where you have the best chance of acceptance. My second piece of advice is not to worry so much about the specialization when choosing law school. It is much harder to find a school where you feel comfortable and is strong in multiple areas, and that's what she ultimately needs...most people change their mind about focus area after first year from what I hear.

Also, most schools have open houses through their office of admissions. Go to it! I would very much advise her not to go somewhere that she has not seriously investigated through visits. If there are no open houses, schedule a visit. They will probably have a student give a tour (ask about how helpful the professors are, how competitive the student body is with one another, how is career students LOVE to gab about their school and will give you the real story instead of the university's line). Also during the visit sit in on a class to see how students interact at that school, and meet with the admissions director. Ask the admissions director what kind of student body they are looking for.

My own story is, I wanted to stay in the area, so I only applied to Indiana U at Bloomington, University of Kentucky, and University of Louisville. UofL was my "safety" school because I was positive I'd get in there, and it was the lowest in those US News rankings (and we just dropped majorly because we're without a dean, but that's a temporary thing...keep in mind when you're paying too much attention to those rankings). IU and UK were far more presitigious on paper, and IU had a specialty program that interested me. I did visits at all three, and UofL just went way overboard to welcome everyone. I didn't care for the students at was very clear that any diversity of any sort was unwelcome, and it felt almost hostile there (and I say that as a UK graduate). IU was so massively expensive even though I absolutely loved it there. So I ended up at the school that was the worst of the three on paper, but was definitely the best fit for me personally. I think I have the best opportunity to really thrive here in my studies. The bottom line is, unless you're going to a full-on Ivy League school, it makes very little difference where you got your degree. Attorneys have told me they don't care so much about that when they're hiring. So, it is far more important for her to pick a place where she's made to feel comfortable. It is a brutal three years as I'm already learning, and if I were somewhere that made me miserable, I don't think I could succeed.

Good luck to her! I wish I'd known that she was taking the LSAT because I have a boatload of study aids that I would have sent you! If she has any questions, please have her contact me and I'd be happy to help.

grofam said...

Christopher and Dr. Chad,

Thanks so much for responding and for all of the info. I will pass it all on to her. Christopher, I'll email you separately. Julie

Mother Jones RN said...

P.S. I didn't notice the link. I'm so embarrassed.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!