Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The Great Hollywood Hoax: Another Crackpot Theory
Dakota Fanning freaks me the hell out, and I have never been able to figure out exactly why. I wanted to say it is because she talks like a 40-year-old librarian. Not that this is a bad thing...I'm always happy to hear that the kids are reading instead of doing drive-bys and having BJ parties, or whatever it is the young folks do nowadays. There's just something about her speech patterns and syntax that sounds scripted. For example, this quote about Tom Cruise:
"My mom and dad really don't approve of mobile phones and they really didn't want me to have one. But then on my birthday this parcel arrived from Tom and it was a phone. In the end they let me keep it."
Ummm...you're not even a teen yet, and you're tossing around the word "parcel" like you're Gwenyth Paltrow trying to renounce your citizenship. "Did you pick up the post, dear?" "Yes Mum, and guess what? You got a parcel!" WTF?! But I have her number now. Today it struck me exactly what is wrong with this little chickadee.
She's a robot.
Scoff it you must, but this is what happens when you give Tom Cruise a whole bunch of money...he's gone and perfected Vicki from beloved 80s robot sitcom "Small Wonder." Dakota was, no doubt, the prototype for Suri Cruise. And what if he's built a whole army of little robots with big vocabularies, all plotting to convert us to Scientology? Now, excuse me while I put in a call to "The Weekly World News." We're going to blow this scandal wide open, I tell you!