The Break-Up

Dear Andy,

I think the time has come to face facts that our relationship isn't working. While my love for you runs deep, not even all the Gloria Vanderbilt jeans I could ever wear are enough to put up with your internalized homophobia any longer. Your reaction, or lack thereof, at being named the 2nd most powerful gay in the U.S. by Out Magazine perplexes me. I mean, I was thrilled at just being a powerful gay by proxy of being your secret boyfriend!

Instead of taking me out to celebrate, you got on that damn cell phone with Jodie Foster, knowing that she and I aren't speaking since I made that innocent comment about her walking like a trucker in her Oscars gown last month. While I was trying to get us reservations at Nobu, the two of you were whining about how could they do that to you when you aren't even out. I have news for the two of you: Out is right. You and Jodie live totally in the open without actually saying the word gay. You are out, and it is legitimate to say it in the press. In a world where we report that Jake Gyllenhal and Reese Witherspoon are secretly dating just because they're seen out at dinner together, but don't report on Jodie's partner when they're out on the beach with their kids holding hands, the message is still that there is something wrong with being gay. How is one of those things legitimate celebrity news and one isn't? I simply don't get how it is acceptable to make inferences into the life of someone based on dinner, but it isn't acceptable to comment on the completely obvious, unless of course you really believe that the obvious thing is shameful.

Andy, you say you won't talk about your private life, but then you go and ask poor Kenny Chesney about his orientation in an interview. You know about Kenny...we were on the same lane as him in the Rainbow Bowling League last week! And if you don't talk about your private life, why were you hawking a book about your grief over your brother's suicide? That seems far more personal than who you date. Sweetie, you are more than a bit of a hypocrite, and the argument that you'd be viewed as less credible with your personal life known is ridiculous. I know more about Katie Couric's personal life than I ever wanted to know. I've seen that woman's damn colon, and she got made a network anchor!

I love your gray gardens, but I can't live with the shame any longer. Let's try to remain friends, okay?

Christopher

(cue music)