Whitney Update

As many of you are aware by now, my daughter Whitney Houston has been away in rehab for some time now. I can't tell you how hard it was to get her there. I finally had to crush up half a bottle of Ambien and cut it into rails on the kitchen counter. When the batteries on her vibrator finally ran out and she came down to rummage around for some replacements, she couldn't resist.

Anyhow, I had the good sense to put a stop to her going to one of these spas masquerading as rehab...I learned that lesson after coming home from work and finding Robert Downey Jr. trying to make chicken and stars soup in my bathtub. Those places just don't work. Instead, I chose to send Whitney to spend a few weeks with Liza Minelli's ex-husband, David Gest. I figured if his creepy ass can scare Liza sober after all these years, surely Whitney can sober up too. Sure enough, after just a couple of weeks she phoned me up to say, "If Liza was done messed up enough to think this was straight and that she wanted to hit it, then I'm never smoking another rock again! Hell to the naw!"

Whitney has been doing so well that I took her out shopping to buy a lovely new hat from the nice little Korean ladies down on 4th Street. As you can see, she looked so nice when we went to church last Sunday.

















Doesn't she look excited while I'm up giving my testimony?

Of course, Whitney being Whitney, things couldn't help but take a turn for the worse. She started picking at Ms. Vonetta Jenkin's wig, looking for the tag. When Vonetta turned around and asked her to stop it, Whitney accused her of stealing her wig and sleeping with Bobby. Then she tried to snatch up Vonetta's granddaughter, screaming that she and Bobbi Kristina were taking that wig and going home. She chased Ms. Vonetta all the way up into the choir!


















I swear I am never going to be able to show my face up in that church again!