Pick Me

Some days, office life and the political scene are so frustrating that I fall back into Empress mode. I remember the days when nutty people called me Your Majesty and gave me free drinks while I bossed them around. The resulting delusions of grandeur often cause me to start declaring that things will be different when I’m in charge. There may be a wee bit less freedom in some aspects of life, but I am sure you will agree that we will all be better off when we come to our senses, institute a national monarchy, and make me the supreme ruler. What’s in it for you? For your approval, I present my Christopher for Empress Platform for a Better America:

1. Birthdays will be a paid holiday. If said birthday results in an age that ends in zero, take a full week paid along with a complementary bottle of the alcoholic beverage of your choice.
2. Celine Dion is to be immediately and permanently deported. While the death penalty is outlawed under my regime, an exception will be made if she attempts any entry into the United States. All border patrols around Mexico will be diverted to Canada.
3. There will be mandatory reeducation on the difference between “you’re” and “your” in a sentence. This will be followed by a campaign to eradicate the abuse of “their,” “they’re,” and “there”. Penalties for non-compliance shall be severe.
4. A quality public health care program will be far easier to get under a monarchy than it is in a democracy. Not only will everyone have access to medical care, but each citizen will be entitled to at least one cosmetic medical procedure per year. Mobile botox clinics will be plentiful. This will be paid for by taxes on drugs and prostitution, which shall be legal and regulated, as well as taxes on previously tax-exempt churches wishing to do political work.
5. Corporations shall still be allowed to escape taxes by having a post office box in foreign countries. However, said countries will be limited to those with an average annual temperature of 10 degrees, and shall require residency by the corporation’s CEO for no less than nine months each year.
6. It goes without saying that stretch pants, mullets, belly shirts at inappropriate venues, and insignia referencing dead racecar drivers are hereby illegal.
7. A selfish pig tax of $50,000 per vehicle will be placed on all SUVs with mileage under 30 miles per gallon. Said vehicles will have a sticker no less than the size of an oil barrel depicting Arnold Schwarzenegger’s sphincter placed on each side of the vehicle. Additionally, all citizens driving vehicles that don’t hasten the end of the world will be rewarded $20 each time they refuse to let one of these stickered vehicles cut in front of them in bad traffic.
8. Gay people will henceforth be allowed civil marriage. However, a battery of psychological and intelligence tests will be required any couple wishing to procreate or participate on a television talk show, regardless of gender.
9. Abortion will not only be safe and legal, but also rare because anyone using the term “abstinence-only education” will be immediate sentenced to hand out condoms, the Today sponge, and antibiotics backstage on the next Kid Rock tour.
10. While the position of monarch is a lifetime appointment, a legislative body will still be elected. Candidates for this legislative body are required to be able to pronounce common words such as “nuclear” properly, and will be tested to see if they can point countries out on a map before suggesting said country be bombed.

In 2008, when the Republicans have scared you and the Democrats have disappointed, why not choose me? I realize the election is for president, not monarch, but everyone has to start somewhere, plus I can supply my own crown. And given the state of things today, becoming president is starting pretty low down the food chain.

This article appeared in an altered form sometime last year in Nougat Magazine.