1) Download random songs from iTunes that, taken as a whole, reveal you to be ever-so-slightly schizophrenic. May I suggest a Concrete Blond, Heather Smalls, Ani DiFranco, and Rebbie Jackson combo?
2) Discover that "Golden Girls" airs 9 times per day on Lifetime. Also discover that Lifetime isn't really Television for Women so much as it is Television for Women Who Can No Longer Get Jobs on Other Television Networks.
3) Spend an hour picking out paint at Homo Depot with a hat pulled down over your bruised-up mug. Spend three hours recovering from picking out paint that you rushed to go get because the sale ended today even though you totally weren't ready for the trip yet.
4) Eat Indian food.
5) Eat ice cream.
6) Eat everything.
So I officially arrived back in The Ville Monday night to a house that is completely covered in drywall dust. And even with that, I'm happy to be home to snuggle with Craiggers, even if the steroids I'm on have me being a wee bit short with him. I tell you, I don't know how these celebrities have the time needed to recover from cosmetic surgery. Even though my stuff is reconstructive, it is all the same basic principles, and it takes a good couple of months for the bad swelling to go away...that's an eon in Hollywood. Still, I'm thinking that if at the end of this mess I still don't look the way I want to look, I'm going to finish school and then spend buckets of money to make myself look fabulously abnormal. Because you know, what the world really needs is a male version of Jocelyn Wildenstein.
4 comments:
"I'm going to spend buckets of money to make myself look fabulously abnormal. Because you know, what the world really needs is a male version of Jocelyn Wildenstein."
Brilliant.
Glad you are home. It's great that your mom went with you and had a little fun, too.
I'm, unfortunately, returning to Grayson to handle some redneck, crazy bullshit with my brother and sister-in-law. Did I tell you she stole $1500 from her kids' college fund to buy scratch-off lotto tickets in a Bipolar meltdown? Who needs therapy clients when I have family? Anyway, I think it will be good practice for my new talk show, "What the Fuck's Wrong with You?"
That Rebbie Jackson video damn near killed me. She obviously stole one of LaToya's snakes to shoot lasers out of its eyes for no apparent reason. Have you ever been shot with lasers for no apparent reason? Very 80s. The moral of that video is to try to disguise your inability to dance and the fact that you are one of the untalented Jackson's by using shoulder shrugs and lightning bolts emanating from your hands.
Thank you Bedazzler, that comment was really just an excuse to post those pics of Jocelyn and make my pal Ed giggle. And Chad, you need to call me and explain exactly what you have to do with the fact that your brother is a moron and marries crazy people. Our brothers make us look so darn near perfect, don't they?
Jocelyn Wildenstein could star in either version of Mask remakes (i.e. Mask 2, co-starring Cher reprising her role as Rusty Dennis; or The Mask 3 - Sister of The Mask, probably costarring Jamie Kennedy). That's one seriously scary bitch!
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