Jared Leto befriends Alexis Arquette, begins transition

Would you still make out with Jordan Catalano under the bleachers?



Seriously, you'd still go to the boiler room under the gym with him, even when he's looking like 80s pop icon Alison Moyet?



He's a big girl...I wonder if he can still belt out "Invisible"?

Naomi: Corrupting Since 1983

A Chronology of Naomi's Bad Influence:

1983: A 14-year-old Naomi makes her debut in Culture Club's video "I'll Tumble 4 Ya." A short time later, lead singer Boy George is arrested for his abuse of heroin.

1988: Naomi makes an appearance on two episodes of beloved sitcom "The Cosby Show" as a friend of Theo's. Her appearance correlates with Lisa Bonet flipping out, making "Angel Heart," marrying Lenny Kravitz, and ceasing to bathe.

1991: Naomi dances provacatively with Michael Jackson in the video for his ironically named single "In the Closet". Shortly after, MJ resorts to medical science to no longer be black.

1992: Along with Vanilla Ice, Naomi appears nekkid in Madonna's book "Sex." Madonna's career has never been quite right since.

1993: During her brief engagement to U2 bass guitarist Adam Clayton, the band puts out "Zooropa," a certified piece of crap. This union also inspired Naomi to make her album "Baby Woman", which was an enormous runaway hit...in southeast Asia.

2005: After taking several years off from ruining celebrity lives, instead preferring to ruin the lives of her employees, Naomi comes back with a vengeance as her BFF Kate Moss is photographed Hoovering up half the Columbian output of cocaine.

Also 2005: Proving that there is no accounting for the effect a coked-up heartless supermodel can have on a child, little Rudy Huxtable becomes a crack whore. Not that she wouldn't have anyway, but still.


Makes you want to go for some Jell-O Pudding Pops, doesn't it? Clearly, Naomi must be stopped. The judge who granted her bail is putting the careers of countless celebrities in danger.

Naomi Campbell Like School In the Summer

That's right, no class. The aging supermodel was arrested today for allegedly busting her housekeeper upside the head with an unidentified object, the third time Naomi has been accused of assaulting an employee with common personal items. You can tell Naomi has still not become accustomed to having money. If she had, she would know a truly refined woman of wealth NEVER hits the help with the phone.


As demonstrated by Joan Crawford, abusing the help is strictly a hands-on job. Anything else is simply not done.

Christina Crawford on Bobbi Kris: "My childhood wasn't so bad after all."

"Whitney, do YOU think this bathroom is clean?"

















J.C. has a can of Bon Ami with your name on it, girl.

Medical Fun

Let's make this short and quick, because until I finish healing, I'm not going to be okay with all of this: I spoke with my NYC doctor's clinic yesterday. While he isn't happy I'm healing as slowly as I am, it apparently is not entirely out of the ordinary, and I should be patient while the mess on my face goes away. It has been two months as of this week. They have one more month before I bitchslap someone. I was told the tumor is gone, and dammit, I want it gone!!! I fly up to NYC on April 17 for a checkup and for decisions on further surgery. Assuming I am not bitchslapping anyone, I'm going to ask that while they do the other touch up things, if they might consider giving me some hair plugs, a nose job, and smooth out that little anger line between my eyebrows.

Bloody hell, I just know I'm going to end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein.

In other health news, I won't be asking for lipo because in my two weeks doing Sugar Busters, I've lost 8 of my non-smoker pounds...only 13 more to go!

Beats All You Ever Saw, Been In Trouble With the Law Since the Day She Was Born

After demanding a 51% stake in Ewing Oil, Sharon Stone's crime spree continues as she flaunted Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot's stolen bathmat on national television today. After filing charges, Elliot vowed to never again invite the Academy Award nominee to a Partylite event at her home.

Who needs lube?

If Disney had given me these kinds of songs, my first time would have been a lot easier. Warning, not safe for work or the easily offended.



From what I understand, this was performed by two Ft. La-Ti-Da drag queens named Cookie and Cashetta, and was sent to me by my friend Twyla Knight. Cookie and Cashetta, if you come across this site, contact me and confirm this is you!

Mary Mary, why ya buggin'?

This afternoon, rather than do interior work I am dreading, I opted to work in my yard, specifically on the garden at the side door of my house. When we first moved in, there was a rather sizable concrete statue of the Virgin Mary, not surprising being that we're in a very Catholic neighborhood. Craig still holds some of his old Jehovah's Witness issues with Catholicism (apparently the Catholics and JWs don't like one another, sort of like a religious version of the Lindsay HoHan/Hillary Duff feud), and wanted Mary to be gone right away. I rather liked her for her camp value and wanted to tart her up in some hot pink robes and eyeshadow until that was frowned upon by Dirty Debbey, a staunch Catholic despite having the foulest mouth this side of perp on "COPS".

Now, I'm not in the least bit religious anymore, but I couldn't bring myself to haul her to the curb with the trash. There's just something really distasteful of putting the mother of someone's religion out with the endless supply of empty wine and vodka bottles for recycling. So, she has remained in her place in the garden by our side door (the main door for residences in this neighborhood...don't ask me why) until this week when I wheeled the Blessed Virgin to the cursed backyard where she is currently standing guard over the soon-to-be-planted herb garden.



In her place, I put up a trellis with some clematis vines that were already growing in the garden among the 10,000 ferns. I took up a bunch of the fern roots, and also planted an assortment of wildflower seeds, as well as bulbs for hot pink and orange lilies. Then I mulched the whole mess around all the artfully placed rocks, and carefully positioned the new icon of the Germantown neighborhood:

You can't see our new pink glass and copper fowl friend terribly well in this photo, but I call him Crackers, after the chicken pervert son in the John Waters classic "Pink Flamingoes". Something tells me all is not right with my garden decisions, though. I saw this on my way home from Garden Ridge this afternoon:

Crackers' days may already be numbered.

"Check Into Cash" to Sell Don Johnson Ranch

A spokesperson for the high-interest last-resort lender acknowledged that the clerk who accepted two "Miami Vice" paychecks as proof of income has been placed on suspension.

Hasselhoff Ordered to Stay Away From Wife

Where do I sign up for this? I think David Hasselhoff restraining orders are destined to become the Ipod of 2006.

America the Beautiful

America, you are fabulous! You know the white Gary Coleman when you see him, and you voted him off American Idol. Perhaps after the 2004 election, America grew a teeny bit smarter. Good bye Chicken Little, my little talentfree permanent virgin!

Now, where the hell did I put that champagne?

Idol Hands are the Devil's Reality Show

When Siegfried...

donates to Barbara...

and Barbara gets Lisa Ling to carry their spawn, you get...


You have to give Barry credit, though. He took a fag hag in a bathhouse, and between bouts of mansex, made her the superstar we now know as Bette Midler. Likewise, his musical direction made virtually all the AI kids seem like they could have a hit record...except for Bucky. Or Lisa.

Mandisa is so fantastic, and I so loved her performance. That said, I have to agree with the Advocate's commentator when he said he sees her future: three or four dance hits and then the next 20 years riding on a float at gay pride.

Bucky should have stuck with his Austin Scarlett look...at least it made something about him interesting.

For the first time, I didn't see Paris as a little girl trying to wear her mommy's shoes.

Chris Daughtry noted that he identified with Johnny Cash's "Walk The Line" since he wrote it for his wife promising to be faithful while on the road. I hope he identifies with it because Johnny shagged someone rotten while on the road, despite that song. Chris, come see me. You can even call me June.

Anyone notice Simon Cowell hanging onto a green cigarette lighter for no apparent reason tonight? I think he's hoping to set Paula on fire when she blows her amaretto sour breath his way. Good god, someone needs to take her pharmacist(s) and spank some ass! Also, her hair is all hanging in her face, like she's trying to hide some cosmetic surgery scars (and believe me, I'm the authority on that).

And then Paula proves she's drunk by telling Little Miss Perfect Lisa with her half octave range that it was her best week yet. I'm guessing Lisa's classmates really want to beat her up.

Barry advised Kevin Covais to sing really really quietly. Good advice...obviously Barry has been watching the show and knows the less we hear of Kevin, the better.

I still think Kellie Pickler is a phony. She sounded pretty okay, looked like she had been styled by Paris Hilton's maid, and when she talks...like a rake down a chalkboard. On behalf of southerners, I apologize to America.

Every week Ace stays in this contest proves just how far "fuckable" will take you in America. Okay, so he sounded good this week, but he just seems to try so hard to give those smoldering glances, it is like he's posing for a Tiger Beat photo shoot. He's cute, but he's not sexy. You can't force sexy. If he were really sexy, he wouldn't have to try so hard. Paula thought he was sexy, of course, but Paula hit that boy who looks like Kevin Federline.

Obviously I have already made up my mind. Give me Mandisa, Paris, and Chris. I'll let McPhee stay if she does something interesting.

Notice that no comments were made about Ryan Seacrest this evening...I'm trying to wean myself from mean comments about Whitney, Star, Britney and Ryan. It is too easy.

JC vs. ABBA, and the first sign of a smile line

And finally in my trilogy of Joan Crawford-related posts this evening, here is a fantastic video of Joan Crawford's alleged child abuse, precisely choreographed to the music of ABBA.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3MmoJ5Vuf0E


Given that I have generally looked like JC beat the crap out of me with a wire hanger, those of you who have been following my surgical saga will be pleased to know that tonight, swelling has gone down just enough that I have a smile line on that side. I never thought I would be so grateful to see a wrinkle.

Britney's been into the setting lotion again

America's beloved white trash princess has a new do (photo courtesy of Pink is the New Blog).

Strange...that hairdo looks so familiar...


I think it goes without saying that like Christina Crawford, Britney knows where to find the boys and the booze.

Faye Dunaway is Bloody BRILLIANT!

And she would agree with me on that. Granted, I'm still mystified as to why she didn't receive her second Oscar for her operatic performance in the GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE, "Mommie Dearest", but after hearing what I've linked below, I think you may think I'm right too. The fabulous folks at D-Listed have obtained a voicemail recording of Faye tearing some poor fool a new one.

Faye Dunaway is old school. If Naomi Campbell tried to clock her with a cell phone, you know Faye would tear her spindly arm out of its socket and beat her to death with the bleeding stump. This is the proof

http://dlisted.blogspot.com/2006/03/faye-dunaway-is-crazy-bitch.html

All I could think of when I heard this was, "Barbara Bennett is here from New York doing a cover story on me for Redbook, and I don't want any trouble out of you!"

Nothing Compares 2 Poo

Prior to becoming a Jehovah's Witness and subsequently an endless bore by refusing to play any of his dirty music, Prince was even more of an innovator than we ever imagined. Why is that, you ask? Just read the following exerpt from a recent e-mail interview:

Q: What do your fans not know about you?
A: There's a lot that fans don't know about me. People tend 2 project on2 U whatever they want 2 c.
Q: What are your thoughts on the music business with the advent of mobile and digital?
A: Music is a sound nrg wave that is best xperienced LIVE. Because eye play music, eye have a different perspective on how it should b delivered. That said, eye (am) not so sure a musician would have come up with the idea 2 sell music in the digital realm.

As it turns out, on top of writing gems like "Head", "Sexy Motherfucker", and "Dirty Mind", Prince anticipated the incredibly irritating writing style of 14-year-old girls on MySpace profiles. Genius, I tell you!

A spoonful of sugar

I quit smoking on September 24, 2005. Since then, I have gained 21 pounds. Now, people carrying some extra weight probably get pissed off when I complain that I've gained weight. Am I fat? No, definitely not. But none of my clothes fit, I can't afford to buy new ones, and this is not a normal weight for me. Seriously, I have probably 15 pairs of slacks (I love that word...it's so retro!) for work, and can get into maybe three pairs of them. Anyway, I've gone back to how I ate when I was a workout fanatic, but now I'm doing it on the SugarBusters diet. I started Monday night, and have lost around 4 pounds so far...woo-hoo!

Still, I'd sell a Girl Scout for a Girl Scout cookie right about now.

The Egg Game

Want to waste way too much time? Go to http://www.steinauf.us/ and choose Dozen to play the Egg Game. It's dumber than Pong, just as much fun.

Face Update

A brief medical update before getting back to the funny:

I spoke with my NYC doc's nurse this afternoon, and either I was high on pain meds or they just didn't go into detail, but six weeks was not the time frame for all of this mess on my face to be gone. That was the time frame for most of the swelling to go. However, doing massive amounts of surgery on soft tissue does result in that tissue going all hard and stiff for quite some time. I'm now hearing three full months to see the final results of the surgery. I'm also told that the current state of my face is normal at this stage after surgery. I've got to send them pics tomorrow, and if they think my progress really has stalled, they'll discuss options like steroid injections.

Patience is without a doubt the most overrated virtue. Ever have to do a project at work with someone who might be described as patient? If you get assigned to do so, just go ahead and do the project yourself because patient people never get a damn thing done. Yes, I realize that I'm a wee bit Type A, but I swear the next person that tells me to be patient about this surgery is going to get a beatdown.

Where the Hell is my chiffon?!

Just as a character, Andrae was my favorite designer on this season of Project Runway, but now I have to hate him. Why? Because he really did go to the Red Lobster with Daddy Tim Gunn. Where's Andrae? In a trunk somewhere in Queens if he keeps messing with my man!