Kanye West gives shout-out to Francine Fishpaw

This tribute to "John Waters' Polyester" is okay, but I believe the dogs playing poker he has carved in his goatee are a much richer and more vibrant artistic statement.

Finals update: Today I had my final for contracts, my worst subject. I have been so terrified of this exam that I have been having nightmares about insanely pleated pants this week (the prof wears khakis so pleated you could use them to sail a damn catamaran!). It was brutal, but I think I did okay. My blood pressure was so high before it started that you could take my pulse from across the room (seriously, you could see it in my neck!). Two down, two to go. This biatch is taking the night off from law to get his celebrity gossip and drink on!

Photo blatently lifted from the very talented Fresh over at Crunk & Disorderly. Sadly, the text is entirely courtesy of Trading Faces.

They grow up so fast

So I took my first real final exam this morn, three hours of spewing everything I ever knew about torts onto a computer screen, and it is a relief to be done with it. Three more finals to go, so I need to get back to studying. First, though, I just had to post this photo of K-Fed's Thanksgiving celebration. I'm not so sure what he has to be celebrating other than skating by for one more week with a clean bill of health from the free clinic, but celebrate he did at his first baby mama's house. Apparently he brought a new date/meal ticket to dine with his first two kids (you know, the little brown ones he didn't care enough about to fight for custody):
















I tell you, Anna Nicole's little girl sure did grow up fast, and just as classy as her mama!

About your host

The host of Trading Faces has various and sundry interests. However, I have far more disinterests. As I prepare to go underground in preparation for the first set of law school final exams, I'm getting even lazier about posting than normal. How lazy? Here are my "Interests" as listed on my Facebook page (because yes, I've gotten that deep into being a college kid again that I have a Facebook page...law school will send you right into a second adolescence):


Christopher is not at all interested in:

1. Clowns
2. Raw onions
3. Ashley Judd
4. Ashley Judd movies
5. Ashley Judd’s greasy hair at UK basketball games
6. The Bush administration, every last one of them, right down to Condi’s Lucy Van Pelt hairdo
7. NASCAR, because driving in a circle is not a sport.
8. White Castle
9. Paper/plastic/foam dishes at home, because people over 25 should use real dishes.
10. Crocs
11. The word “bro” unless referring to Cosmo Kramer’s bra for men
12. Pleated pants
13. SUVs
14. Goth teens…get your own damn youth culture!
15. The Grateful Dead, so much so that I threw a Grateful He’s Dead party.
16. Decaf coffee
17. Bling
18. Insomnia
19. Children on planes
20. Children in adult restaurants
21. Improper usage of your/you’re
22. Camping
23. Fauxhawks
24. The word “moist”
25. Rainbow flags

If I see you in a nice restaurant wearing Crocs and drinking decaf with Dick Cheny and his turkeybaster fauxhawked grandson, chances are somebody is going to get stabbed.


Posting your profile from another site...that may make me the laziest blogger alive. Send me good vibes over the next two weeks anyway, please!

The Weekly Cheese

Our Weekly Cheese this week is dedicated to my pal Marc, a.k.a. Twyla Knight, who owns this song on vinyl. He also owns a painting by her late husband, Xavier Cugat, that is horrible and glorious, just like today's featured "artist". You remember her from "Love Boat" and that great Geico commercial, but did you know she was a disco queen? Pop open a bottle of wine and enjoy The Cheese, brought to you by...

Charo's "Dance A Little Bit Closer!"

A Model Proposal

I don't like to brag, but I may just have cemented my status as Evil Genius. Are you astounded? I was too. I mean, I never thought that I would be able to solve the quagmire in Iraq while studying/not understanding the Parol Evidence Test for a contract dispute. Actually, I wasn't studying, but rather avoiding this mind-numbing subject by reading all about supermodel/beatdown artist Naomi Campbell's latest legal problems. It seems she smacked around another maid and berated her for being "Third World." The maid is accusing Naomi of being a "violent super-bigot." That's when it hit me...why on earth do we bother with anger management classes for these people? Let the anger work for us!


Naomi scoffed at our attempts to make her play nice. It is perfectly clear she enjoys beating the tar out of foreigners, and let's face it, bitch is damn good at it. So why not let her do what she does best? Let's put together an army of pissed-off rich bitches, led by Naomi, and send them to the Middle East. I guarantee that she will sort them all out in no time flat. You know it was a bloody mess for her to take Anna Wintour's hairdo for her court appearance today. Show me a radical Islamic terrorist scarier than the iron-fisted editor of Vogue, and I'll show you someone who is going to take over the world.



Our only fear is that Tyra "That's not a forehead, that's a fivehead!" Banks is going to join in with the Iraqi insurgency once she hears that Naomi's lawyer has taken to referring to his client as "the most beautiful black woman in the world." Still, Tyra's not the sharpest tool in the shed, and if Linda Evangelista can figure out how to not wake up for less than $10,000, she can plan a strategy for her BFF Naomi to take down Tyra and the insurgents.

No need for Dubya and his pals to thank me for cleaning up their little mess (though I admit that being passed over for yet another cabinet position is starting to sting). As a loyal American and fashionista, it is the least I can do.

I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the dirt

Wow, looking back over the last few posts, I really do sound angry. Ignorant celebs and my contracts class are just driving me into full-on meanness! But, just in case all 10 or so of you start to worry your heads about my well-being, here is some reassurance that some things are still happy here in the land of Trading Faces:






Kylie Minogue kicked off the Showgirl Tour this week after cancelling it last year when she had to take up the fight against breast cancer. She didn't just kick cancer's ass, she got out her hot glue gun and decorated it!
















While I am eating some meat these days for the first time in 13 years, I haven't started with the beef. Who needs it when you have Fantastic Foods' veggie chili mix? I looooooove a bowl of this chili made with black beans and some extra spice, and maybe a peanut butter sandwich on the side. I can get three seriously filling meals out of this for about $4, and given our budget these days, that's great!















Is it demented that I'm already playing Christmas music? This particular series is my favorite, featuring folks like Sinatra, Dean Martin, Rosemary Clooney, and fabulous Ms. Julie London (my all-time fave Xmas song is "I'd Like You For Christmas").













I didn't have any shoes to wear to the gym when my pal Katie and I started going last week, so I bought these sassy Pumas at discount shoe website Zappo's. We've only made it to the gym once, but my hooves were just as cool as can be.








There are two things that are getting me through law school right now. They are, in no particular order:





1. Cheap vanilla vodka. Stoli is my favorite, but this cheapo brand seriously tastes about as good as the other flavored brands. Gee, cheap vanilla vodka and generic Diet Coke...things are tight around the Trading Faces offices!
















2. Glannon's Examples & Explanations study guide on Civil Procedure is essential for any first year law student. If you don't need it, you're obviously smarter than me, which makes me question your choice of blog reading material. I have put the Examples & Explanations for Contracts on my Christmas list, which may also make me the biggest nerd alive today.

Further hatefulness

I swear I'm not in a bad mood lately, it is just that every celeb this month has been pissing me off (except for you, Britney...I'm really really happy for you!). Anyway, you keep a lady in diamonds and furs for 350 years, and see how she repays you! From a recent interview with Broadway legend Carol Channing in a mag I've never heard of called The Gay People's Chronicle:

KK: You seem to have a very large gay following. Have you ever thought about why?

CC: I don’t think about them. I’m grateful that they seem to like me. They’re terribly loyal to me. But I’m knee-deep in the Bible and you know what it says about that.

KK: Alright.

CC: Oh, dear. Is this for a gay publication? Have I offended you?

KK: Yes. For the Gay People’s Chronicle. Right now, it’s really not my job to be offended or not be offended. I am just asking questions and reporting answers. I read that you have fought for gay rights. Do you think that the things gay people are fighting for are important?

CC: I don’t think about it. If they can’t take care of their own problems, why should I bother. It’s not my problem.

I don't think it will be your problem much longer, you tone deaf old dinosaur. I am rather astounded by her comments considering at one time she seemed to be a supporter of equal rights for gays and lesbians (and she certainly never minded taking our money). Perhaps since she hears death knocking, she's afraid all those gooey gowns she wore to delight the fairies won't get her into Heaven. It is terribly sad, but not exactly uncommon. One of the great regrets of my life is that my late grandfather and I never patched things up after he treated Craiggers badly one Christmas. He was very live-and-let-live, but as he neared the end of his life, he suddenly found God, out of fear of his own mortality I believe. I won't go into details, but he behaved really horribly toward Craiggers, and I stayed angry with him until we learned a few months later he was terminally ill. I should have sat down and discussed it with him. I should have tried to make him understand that he taught me about integrity and honest hard work, and that because of his example, I can't live my life with anything less. But I didn't. I did forgive him because I know fear of death made him behave that way, and that it wasn't who he really was. I just wish he had realized that he was fine just the way he was before, and that I loved him for it.

Carol Channing, on the other hand, is still on my shit list.

UPDATE: Carol's people are claiming that she was misled by this reporter who also conveniently left out a few key phrases from her interview. Given her history of loving the gays, she has been removed from my list. That said, we'll be watching you, Granny. Don't disappoint us again.

Gay people who get on my damn nerves

This week, Trading Faces would like to give a big shout-out to our newest member of the tribe, Mr. Doogie Howser. It has not been a good fall for the homosexuals, what with that crazy pervert in Congress and the meth-faced minister out in Colorado. Revelations of gayness of late should do nothing if not show the world that we really come from all walks of life, and not all of us are wise-cracking loons who will forcibly re-do your dining room. Most of us are quite common, and as we've seen this fall before Doogie came out, many of us are pretty darn annoying. With that, the staff of Trading Faces is pleased to present the gay folks we'd like to give back.





Lord knows I love a bitch. I also have a special place in my heart for unapologetic queens. That said, would someone PLEASE adjust Grandma's hormone replacement patches?! Good lord, Elton, don't we have enough trouble without your crazy gay ass going around advocating banning religion like some sort of reverse fundamentalist psycho? You need to sit down, hush up, and knit yourself a nice afghan.








Lance Bass, welcome out of the closet. It is always nice to have someone join us without there being a prostitute and two or three sacks of meth involved. Oh, what's that? You'd like to make it clear in People Magazine that you only like to deal with "straight-acting" gays? Well, it is a good thing your boyfriend doesn't feel the same way, fishbasket. Stop putting that kind of self-loathing bullshit out there because you're making some sissy kid in Mississippi hate himself even more.

Oh, and enough with the damn eyebrow plucking! You're starting to look like Nicolette Sheridan!









Patty, it is past Labor Day. Time to step away from the Birkenstocks. And no, you may not wear them with woolen socks. Maybe if you stopped that bullshit, you'd attract a nice girl like Ellen instead of that chick who is always calling you "sir."










We'll be seeing you at the customer service counter soon for a return. And don't even think about trying to push some store credit off on us...we want our money back!

Shocking! Eddie Murphy picks up REAL woman on streets of L.A.!

It was an easy mistake. I've often suspected Venus Williams might be a woman with "something extra" as well. Most other female pro athletes have the good sense not to go out in public dressed like a damn Disney villain.


*photo shamelessly lifted from Crunk + Disorderly

New Source Found for Fossil Fuels! Middle East Peace Imminent!

Thanks to Ashley Judd's skin, America will no longer need to look to the Middle East to power our SUVs. Finally, she becomes useful!

*ed. note: What, just because we're both from the same place, I'm supposed to be nice? At least my degree from the University of Kentucky isn't pretend!

No, Mr. President, NOW you got a thumpin'!

Sen. Allen just conceded in Virginia. The Democrats have taken the House AND the Senate from the cut-tax-and-spend party of Bush. Please join me in a bit of schadenfreude.



Maybe Rummy can look that word up for President Corky on The Google before he goes!

Five Things

Okay, so I've been tagged by my Fiesta friend Ces to share five random profane or mundane things about myself. As you can see, contrary to popular belief, I can be a good sport!

1. There are two, yes two, Spice Girls CDs in my home. Also, one Geri Halliwell solo disc, two CDs by Britney Spears, one Ace of Base, one Samantha Fox, and one (oh sweet fancy Moses why do I admit these things?!)....Mandy Moore.
   
2. I have a bit of a thing for good underwear, and get really annoyed when people are dressed in adult "cinema" and then are magically undressed without any steps in between. WTF? Along those same lines, I'm REALLY sick of white Calvin Klein briefs. Someone in the industry needs to cut a deal with a new fashion designer to supply their costumes.
   
3. I am a raging liberal big fag who loves ballsy women, and yet I think Barbra Streisand ought to be smacked with a wet trout. Go figure.
4. I was secretly hoping for a communal shower at my new gym at the university's health science center, but no such luck. No wonder I skipped my visit today.
   
5. Yesterday, I wore a pair of rather pricey Kenneth Cole zip-up half boots (from back when I had a job) to school with an old man vintage-ish blazer I picked up used for $5 at the Goodwill, and I was working it.

And if that hot mess isn't profane I don't know what is. Ces, you didn't really think that given the choice between mundane and profane, I would go for the mundane, did you? :-)

Exclusive: Transexual attempts to assasignate Sharon Stone!

Thank God she was able to fight off her attacker by using Shirley Jones' coat. I have a sneaking suspicion our pals over at The Gilded Moose had something to do with this.

Best. Day. Ever.

1. Democrats took back the House of Representatives by a COMMANDING margin, and we'll soon have the nation's third highest office held by a woman for the first time in history.
2. The Senate is shortly going to be retaken by the Democrats as soon as the vote count finishes, we hope.
3. Britney left K-Fed, while his album sold 6,500 copies and debuted at #151.
4. Voters in Arizona rejected a constitutional ban on gay marriage, voters in South Dakota rejected telling women what they can do with their own bodies, and voters in Missouri approved stem-cell research.
5. I didn't get called on in Property, and I'm not hungover despite the copious number of mojitos I consumed while watching CNN last night.
6. The Ville FINALLY rejected evil Congresswoman Anne Northup.

I think this calls for a Happy Dance, y'all!

UPDATE: And now Montana was called for the Dems AND Secretary of Defense Donald "Darth" Rumsfeld has resigned. This is better than sex! It's like being 7 years old, waking up on Christmas morning, and finding all the Star Wars toys, a new bike, and tickets to Disneyworld under the tree!!!

Get your vote on!

If you aren't voting today, I'm deeply surprised we are friends. Along those same lines, I'm seeing a lot of people today encouraging folks to vote, no matter who they vote for. You won't hear such nonsense from me. If you're planning to keep the incompetent Bush administration in power in Washington by sending them a Republican congress, please, do our military, Muslim men, gays and lesbians, poor working families, students, racial minorities, women of child-bearing age, and old sick folks a favor...

keep your butt at home!

I'm Christopher, and I endorse this message because my queer ass is tired of being a scapegoat for these do-nothing spendaholic warmongering douchebags!

What has law school done to the animals?!

I had half a turkey sandwich yesterday, and I’m having another today. Has law school made me forsake my vegetarian principles? Not so much…I lost those long ago, but just preferred my way of eating. Law school has stressed me into not cooking. Rather than cook each day, I’ve been making casseroles and such, and freezing them into Gladware so as to have a large supply of lunches and dinners. Casseroles with cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. Do you people have any idea how difficult it is to pre-prepare healthy meals?! So, in lieu of getting fat on pre-prepared vegetarian fare, I am toying with expanding my diet to include poultry. It’s easy and convenient to have lean sliced turkey and chicken on some whole wheat bread, and probably healthier than consuming ten pounds of beans and cheese each day.

Commence with your gloating all you carnivores who have smirked at my soy products. I have a memo to finish.



FYI, the turkey on the plate is fake, but I still prefer it to the turkey holding it.

Christopher's state of mind

I was going to start writing a post about my late Uncle Beef. Yes, you read that right. Uncle Beef. It is a fun story, I assure you.

However, it isn't going to get written today. Why? Let's just say this quote I read from another law student this afternoon while avoiding working on my memo sums up how we're feeling around here at Trading Faces this week:

"Law school is like unprotected sex: it feels great when you get in, but you regret it after you come."

Yeah, I went there. You spend hours reading about the Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress, and you would say worse. More from us later when we're feeling a little less distressed.