trading faces

Idol Blogging...Because I Can

2009-04-29T00:57:00.000-04:00

I am officially done with law school classes and exams, and at long last have time to do the sort of thing you’ve all waited for: write extensive bitchy commentary on trashy television. After all, why should I give it out in dribs and drabs on the Facebook walls of various friends when I can dump it into a post that will waste a good 20 minutes of your time?

Anyhoo, I dearly love American Idol. Not because they are always very talented or interesting, because frankly most of them over the past seasons are about as interesting as store brand mayonaisse. The only contestant whose material I have bought in any large amount is Kelly Clarkson (I have a few singles by Carrie Underwear, J-Hud, and a lone single by Tasia Mae), and this is from someone who loves cheap disposable pop music. So why do I watch? I love to judge. And you love it when I get all Judge Judy on some bitches, admit it. So on with the judgments.

8:00 THIS….is American Idol! And this…is a douchebag. I have said it many times before, but it bears repeating: I hate Ryan Seacrest like I hate an ass rash.

8:04 Jamie Foxx is this week’s mentor for Rat Pack week? Really? Isn’t that a bit like choosing Britney Spears for Chinese opera week?

8:13 Kris Allen is the Natalie Cole of American Idol. The Natalie Cole who made a tacky bid for fame on the back of her dead father. Pretty and boring. Pretty boring. Paula likes it, of course. Paula also likes to dress like a Christmas present wrapped by an over-zealous middle-aged queen at JC Penney's gift-wrap department, so her credibility is questionable to say the least. I'd still drink from her cup because you know she has the good stuff.

8:20 Allison celebrated her 17th birthday yesterday. Apparently she celebrated by smoking a carton of Marlboro reds. So Jamie gave her some bullshit advice, and the whole time I kept picturing him as Wanda Woofer on "In Living Color" because that made him way more interesting and relevant. I do love Allison, and she sounds great, which almost makes me forget that Hot Topic Goes to the Prom costume she's wearing. Her vocals are great, like Joss Stone, only not acting like a dayshift stripper.

8:25 Dawg dawg that was hot you look pretty blah blah blah. We should have been using the commentary of these judges as "enhanced interrogation." On second thought, not even Dick Cheney would be that evil.

8:32 I used to say that I wished someone would bring back snappy hats for men. Timberfake just changed my mind. As for his song, I have the same problem with him as with Kris. it's in tune, it's pretty, and it is coma-inducing. There's nothing about their voices that has any personality. If you play them on the radio, no one is going to know within the first ten notes that it is them. There's nothing particularly distinct or interesting about them.

8:43 Apparently Danny Offkey has fresh breath. Apparently he just got out of a wedding where he served as an usher and had no time to change clothes. Apparently he is going to continue stealing Taylor Hicks' act until the end of effing time.

8:50 Brief commercial commentary: Dear KFC, if Sandra Lee is endorsing a food product, I'm immediately going to assume it was made with frozen chicken, a spice packet, and a crock pot. It's just a shame you don't serve one of her cocktails with that grilled chicken.

8:54 I'm a bit concerned about Glambert's white suit. White for someone who wears that much Panstick? Risky move. I hope he took some Aquanet and sprayed that stuff down. I've had my qualms about him because I still think he's a bit like someone playing a rock star off-Broadway. But, as far as talent goes, he and Allison are MILES away from the others. What's more, while I'm STILL not sure what kind of artist he would be because he's such a chameleon, I am interested to find out what he would do. He's never boring, to say the least.

8:58 Paula to Glambert: "With every performance, it's like you're my pharmacist with a fist full of Oxycontin."

8:59 Win: Adam by a hair over Allison. Matt Timberfake: Pack your hat and say goodbye.

Oscars 2009

2009-02-22T18:46:00.071-05:00

Well it has been a while since I last blogged. I won't bore you all with the details of my life, but suffice it to say that I really deserve an evening of being bitchy about some tacky-ass celebs while consuming many cocktails and snacks. And of course I know how much the five or six of you who read this hot mess look forward to my annual bitchfest, so who am I to disappoint? This year, I have resolved to not 1) refer to Ryan Seacrest as Peecrust or Semencrest, 2) make any jokes about Debbie Allen dance numbers, or 3) get drunk prior to 9pm. Wish me luck.

6:30 As I mention every year, no one good shows up in the first 30 minutes. The people who do know that if they show up after 7pm, they run at least a 75% chance of getting shoved aside on the red carpet in favor of Jolie. So I made a run out to Target for laundry detergent, puppy snacks, and Sun Chips, only to turn on the television and be greeted by America's favorite chipmunk, Miley Cyrus. Tonight Miley is dressed as 35 year-old in some bedazzled placemats. She did get points for giving her father a mild stroke by proclaiming she wanted to be adopted by Angelina. Daddy's Little Meal Ticket is making him nervous.

6:40 The next time someone catches Jay Emmanuel's attention, could you have him bring me the wine menu please? Thanks a bunch.

6:57 Trend That Needs to Die: The combination slightly messy updo/ponytail that seems to be ubiquitous over the last couple of years. This is the lazy-ass woman's version of the tuxedo/wino beard that every male actor under 30 sports at red carpet events. The Academy Awards are not the time to try out your new Topsy-Tail.

7:00 Bloody hell. I just realized that I had previously paused the TiVo, so I'm actually 30 minutes behind. How did I figure this out? Because I just saw Jennifer Grey (who I only recognized because they put her name on the screen), and I thought, "Isn't it too late in the broadcast for her tired ass to make it onscreen?!" I will do my best to catch up. I can definitely fast-forward through this lesbian in a tuxedo who oddly is named Zac Efron.

7:03 Any minute now, after he finishes up his "interview" with the kids from Slumdog Millionaire, Ryan Seacrest is going to get a call from Secretary of State Clinton. It will go something like this: "Queen, shut the eff up. You are not allowed to talk to foreigners. It is screwing with the work I'm doing trying to get the planet not to hate us anymore. Dumbass. I can have you KILLED!"

7:07 I don't know who this Melisssa Leo is, but telling her hairdresser to give her the Camilla Parker-Bowles was a HUGE mistake.

7:11 It occurs to me that this Dev kid from Slumdog is sort of the Bollywood Ross Gellar.

7:13 I can't decide if Heidi Klum's dress is hot, if it is a hot pink origami napkin at a sushi house, or both. Also, Robert Pattinson always looks like he smells like a wet dog. Why that is sexy to teenagers is beyond me.

7:15 Viola Davis from "Doubt" is practicing the power of positive fashionization by dressing as an Oscar for the Oscars. I don't think it is going to help her, though, against Penny Cruz.

7:18 Taraji Henson is just cute as a button, no pun intended. Great necklace and dress, but if you are going to lift your skirt on live television to show something on your ankle, don't lift it high enough to show your Spanx. Thankfully Ryan resisted the urge to show her his.

7:21 I'll guess that Amy Adams' necklace looked prettier when she made it last summer in Bible School.

7:23 If one is unknown, middle-aged, beat down, and has hair like a bag lady, it would behoove one not to keep popping up over Heidi Klum's shoulder to grin and give the camera the crazy eye.

7:25 Surprise of the evening so far: Seth Rogan has shown up looking fuckable. Non-surprise of the evening: Mickey Rourke still looks like I wouldn't touch him with Ann Coulter.

7:27 I am LOVING all the Bollywood ladies showing up in these gorgeous colors with some South Asian influence. Finally some women who don't look like they have thrown up everything they've ever eaten before having Rachel Zoe dress them up like Mrs. Roper.

7:29 Botox Alert! Robert Downey Jr., no one can snort that much coke and still look young.

7:32 Sarah Jessica Parker is refusing to allow Matthew Broderick to talk about his clothes for fear he'll look even more gay. Bless her heart. She tries. She's got a great dress, though her extensions are a bit much.

7:33 Marisa Tomei's dress almost made me not hate her for 30 seconds. If it had been a better color, she could have temporarily erased my memory of her undeserved Oscar. I wish she had been honest when Ryan asked her if it was hard shooting "The Wrestler" so fast, and instead answered, "It isn't like I had anything else to do."

7:35 Oh Beyonce. If you're going to have your mother cut up a sofa for the Oscars, at least have her cut one with enough fabric to make a dress that fits.

7:41 I love Queen Latifah. God knows I do. That's why it makes me sad in my heart that she's wearing what I would imagine Xena Warrior Princess would wear to the Oscars.

7:45 Jessica Biel loves her satin sheets. Too much. She's wearing them, with the excess hanging over her boobs. If only it hid her shoes.

7:47 The E! Network's Giuliana should have resisted screaming when she spotted Angelina Jolie. It is unprofessional. It is, however, entirely professional to scream when seeing Phillip Seymour Hoffman wearing a toboggan to the Oscars for no apparent reason. Unless he recently underwent brain surgery, there is no excuse for that fuckery.

7:51 Best hair of the evening goes to Kate Winslet. Here's hoping the beautiful woman who has said screw you to the body fascists of Hollywood gets to show off that hair onstage tonight getting an award.

8:00 On to the ABC pre-show! Robin Roberts may be the prettiest lesbian in all the land tonight. Just lovely. Also, Tim Gunn should host everything. Absolutely everything.

8:02 Diane Lane looks gorgeous in a dress that would make most other women look like Morticia Addams.

8:05 I take it back. SJP's dress does not work, mainly because the Wonder Woman bodice does not fit, making her itty bitty titties look like back fat.

8:10 I am loving what Tim Gunn is bringing to this pre-show, almost an academic look at fashion rather than a parade of labels. It is a shame poor Valentino looks like an overcooked chicken. Lohan, this is you in 10 more years if you keep it up!

8:14 I am done taking potshots at Mickey Rourke. Anyone who loves his dog so much that it is all he can talk about on the red carpet can't be that bad. It doesn't make him less crazy, but at least he may have a good heart.

8:15 They aren't saying, but I am positive that Robert Downey Jr's date is wearing Rami Kashou. I know that drape when I see it.

8:18 So few people still do full beads and sequins, and Anne Hathaway does it without looking like an extra from "Dynasty." Really really good dress. I just wish her eyebrows didn't look like she glued them on. "Bert" is not a good eyebrow look.

8:21 Meryl Streep is so lovely, which is why it confounds me that she would choose to use the wife of Franklin Hart as a hair model. Dora Lee should send her some flowers.

8:27 Ever since Rob Lowe made a complete ass of himself doing a musical opening number with Snow White back in the 80s, no one will open with a big production number. Please oh please oh please let that trend end tonight with my luscious new boyfriend Hugh Jackman!

8:32 Yes!!!!!!!!!!!! A big musical opening!!!!! I think it also goes without saying that I am touching myself inappropriately right now.

8:38 Best. Opening. Ever. Still touching myself inappropriately.

8:42 Liking this new format with the big group of winners presenting. I am not liking the fact that Tilda Swinton did not bring the crazy tonight. I was counting on her. Thankfully Whoopi Goldberg decided to dress like Edna Turnblad on the prowl. Thanks girl, love ya!

8:43 What happened to Goldie Hawn's tits? Were they driven by Kate Hudson to try and off themselves just like poor sad Owen Wilson?

8:48 I should note I totally called Penny Cruz earlier, and state that my picks for the rest of the night are: Slumdog for best pic and director, Sean Penn, Heath Ledger, and Kate Winslet.

8:51 I should also note that I appreciate Angelina's attempt in the opening to pretend she has a sense of humor, but I do wish that she wasn't once again wearing a gown by Ambien.

8:54 Tina Fey and Steve Martin are national treasures. It is a shame the Scientologists are going to have them killed for their jokes.

8:57 The fact that "Milk" just won best original screenplay means it likely won't win best picture. Original Screenplay is what they (usually) give to movies that won't win best picture (i.e. "Pulp Fiction" or most Woody Allen movies). Now, I think "Wall-E" deserved this award, as well as a best picture nomination because it was compelling even with no dialogue for the first 30 minutes, but that's just me. In spite of that, I along with virtually every other gay man in the country would totally marry the nice boy who just won for "Milk." Craiggers and I are all teary-eyed. Ginsburg is bored.

9:04 Ahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I love that some bitchy gay is running the cameras and just had to put the camera on Jolie when Jennifer Aniston made a funny! Fakest. Smile. Ever.

9:06 Watching Aniston, it occurs to me that while I understand that Jolie allegedly has some sort of magical vagina, at the end of the day I would much rather have a cocktail and watch bad reality television with Aniston. Perhaps Brad is still thinking he's taken less seriously because he's a pretty boy and therefore thinks he shouldn't have fun. Mission accomplished.

9:20 It is funny that Daniel Craig is presenting for Best Costume Design when no one really remembers him unless he is all but naked. And now my mind is wandering to his little teeny swimsuit from "Casino Royale." Damn it!

9:23 I love categories like Best Makeup. Otherwise, I'd never get to say things like "Oscar Nominee, Hellboy 2."

9:26 I really can't say enough that Robert Pattinson looks like he smells of ass sweat, gin, and regret. Not hot.

9:31 While I know it is meant to be a joke, Ben Stiller is continuing the presenter theme of Hot Chicks With Douchebags as started by Robert Pattinson. Also, Natalie Portman needs to eat a cookie.

9:48 It is 9:48 and they've given like 3 awards. No wonder I'm normally drunk by now. Remind me never to make that resolution again.

9:55 I just realized how very tired I'm getting of Beyonce. So is her costume designer evidently, because they made her look WAY bigger than she is. Much as I love the idea of a tribute to the movie musical, this one just didn't work. I blame those damn High School Musical kids. Thank god we'll never have to see them on stage actually getting an award.

9:57 Actually, as it turns out, I should blame Baz Lurman for that number. That makes two bombs he's created this year.

10:04 I'm not sure what it says about me that I'm so enraged by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I'm seriously screaming at the television. I should probably seek help. I would imagine all of these guys are actually hoping they don't win Best Supporting Actor because no one wants to be the spoiler that kept Heath Ledger from getting the posthumous win (which he TOTALLY deserves, by the way, though Josh Brolin was pretty brilliant too).

10:14 Bill Maher needs to give his tuxedo back to The Temptations.

10:23 On a totally unrelated note, we just saw a commercial for "Dancing With the Stars," and Craiggers asked me if "that fat guy is the one who was dating Kathy Griffin." In reference to the godlike inventor of the Macintosh computer, Steve Wozniak. I'm sure his arrangements will be announced in his obituary.

10:43 ohmygodiamsofuckingbored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please oh please let Jerry Lewis be drunk and belligerent!!!!

11:03 When a Bollywood production number can't wake me up, you know this is a boring-ass ceremony. By the way, the white guy dancing in his pajamas at the front of that dance troupe looked a little out of place.

11:12 It's the parade of the dead! And Latifah changed out of that horrible black spandex bondage gown! Since she's singing during the parade, it is going to be hard to tell who really mattered by the amount of applause they get. I love that nearly as much as the camera shots of the nominees who lost and are attempting to be good sports.

11:20 Reese Witherspoon's dress is an atrocity, and her eyemakeup makes her look like she's been dating Chris Brown.

11:24 I am 3-for-3 so far. Why I don't bet on this stuff anymore is beyond me.

11:27 Again, I am loving the format of having past winners say nice things about each of the nominees. How amazing to have Shirley McLaine extol your virtues. It is a really nice emotional moment. And Sophia Loren is still a batshit crazy badass.

11:32 I am so happy to see that Kate Winslet is not going to become the Susan Lucci of the Oscars. Her hair deserves it.

11:36 Best comment of the evening, from Becca to me: "Sophia Loren tonight = you in about 40 years." I think 40 years is being a bit generous. I'm really only 5 years and a crazy yellow gown away from there now.

11:40 Craig just called me a geek fucker because I think Adrien Brody is kinda hot. I'm not sure what that says about Craig.

11:43 YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Sean Penn won!!!!! I had always heard that when he was younger, he was a HUGE homophobe. If that's true, he's proof we can evolve. He really was amazing in Milk. What is also amazing is that his wife Robin Wright looks exactly like she did on "Santa Barbara" in the 80s. Even more amazing? That I remember "Santa Barbara."

11:53 And I am six for six on the major awards. If only I had skills that worked in the real world.

11:54 That actor from Slumdog Millionaire is holding on to the little Indian boy in the front not out of happiness, but rather because in about 30 seconds, Jolie is going to pounce up onto the stage and forcibly adopt him.

And so ends another interminably long Oscars telecast. Hugh Jackman was a great host with way too much superfluous foolishness toward the end dragging the damn thing out. Kate Winslet win for best dressed, Mickey Rourke wins for worst, and I am damn near hammered. Yup, that sounds about right. Goodnight y'all!

Barefoot Blogging: Banana Sour Cream Pancakes

2009-01-03T11:06:00.005-05:00

I have taken the next step in my conversion to the Cult of the Contessa by joining Barefoot Bloggers, a group of fans of the Barefoot Contessa herself, Ina Garten. Twice a month, members make the same recipe and blog about the results. Yes, I am that gay.

Anyhoo, the first recipe of January is Banana Sour Cream Pancakes from Barefoot Contessa Family Style, chosen by Karen of Something Sweet By Karen. When it comes to this recipe, I think it is safe to say I put my foot in it. If you are used to making pancakes from a mix, stop it. This is seriously simple and tastes so much better. In fact, the only ingredient in the recipe I didn't already have on hand was the bananas and lemon (yes, lemon...trust me, it is good). My adopted dad Chuck was visiting today, so I whipped this bit of deliciousness up for him and Craiggers.

Excuse the cheapo camera phone photos...Santa did not bring me the digital camera I wanted. And yes, I really need more counter space, but feel free to envy my beautiful cobalt Fiesta baking bowl.

Sift your flour, sugar, baking powder and salt into a bowl, and add in the sour cream, eggs, milk, lemon zest and vanilla (I use vanilla I made myself from vodka and vanilla beans...World Market has vanilla beans at about 1/3 the price of a grocery store). Mix until just blended.

Heat your pan to medium low (closer to medium than low in my opinion, but that is my electric cooktop) and melt a tablespoon of butter. Ladle the batter in and then drop some diced bananas on top. I thought it was odd the bananas weren't in the batter, but tasting it shows why...they chunks of banana that get cooked this way have a big burst of flavor you wouldn't get if it was mashed into the batter. Cook until they start to bubble, flip and cook for a minute more, and serve with butter and syrup!

Preferably on Fiesta, of course. And I would recommend buying some decent maple syrup instead of the awful "lite" syrup mess I had in the cabinet!

These were quite good, although I think I needed to cook at a higher temperature...they were a bit doughy. The lemon zest gave a zing that was unexpected and really delicious. These would be great with some toasted pecans on top too, with a side of bacon. Happy breakfast!

Introducing Ginsburg

2008-12-29T22:52:00.005-05:00

We have a new resident here at Trading Faces. Ladies, gentlemen, gentlemen dressed as ladies, ladies dressed as womyn...please welcome Ginsburg.

"Psst! Ginsburg! Look this way."

"Good boy!"

Yes, you are seeing right. That's a dog. A 7-month old shih tzu to be exact, named for her honor, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (because I am that much of a nerd). We have officially given in to Puppy Fever here at Trading Faces. We're positive the late Franklin would not approve. We know from experience that Truman does not approve as he has hardly come out of hiding since Ginsburg came home yesterday from a family with a toddler who treated him like a rag doll. We also know Sly, the resident HBIC, does not approve as he pimp slapped Ginsburg within 30 seconds of his arrival.

At any rate, Ginsburg is settling in nicely. We didn't get out to buy a crate to begin his crate training (his previous family let him run wild), so he spent today in the bathroom while Craiggers was at work and I did my public service project for school. I'd post a photo of those results (which were entirely my fault because any non-rookie knows you don't leave them home all day in the bathroom), but I seriously doubt any of my tens of readers care to see a mishmash of dirty towels, a door that appears to have been attacked by a rhino, shredded bathroom literature, and poop. Instead I'll leave you with a photo of his reaction to his handiwork.

How is it that I end up with pets that are totally cute and evil bastards?

Ina Garten Da Vida

2008-12-21T22:14:00.004-05:00

Well, after a semester of few posts, I am just Chatty Cathy today. And I have yet to even get to my bitchery about the loathsome bigot Rev. Rick Warren at the presidential inaugaration!

I am nothing if not a man of obsessions. For example, I am completely obsessed with Fiestaware to the point that I take pieces of it to Home Depot for color matching whenever painting a room in my house.

Thanksgiving dining room in scarlet.

I am obsessed with the cinematic classic "Mommie Dearest" to such an extent that rarely a day goes by that I don't remind someone that this isn't my first time at the rodeo.

"I've fought worse monsters than you for years in law school. I know how to win the hard way."

But for the past year, more than most things (Fiesta aside), I am obsessed with Ina Garten, Food Network's Barefoot Contessa.

Now at first glance, I assumed Ms. Garten might not be my cup of tea, much in the same way I respect the talent and drive of Martha Stewart, but find her to be WAY too much to take. The Hamptons house, zipping around in a BMW finding the perfect ingredients...I mean, who lives like that? Watching her interact on her show with her loved ones, though, convinced me she is a genuine and kind friend to the people in her life, and that she has carved out for herself exactly the life that makes her happy. I also enjoy the fact that she is not a typical television host trying so hard to ooze personality. She just seems relaxed, and the events she throws are casual enough that whether you do them as upscale as she often does or as downscale as I might on my student budget, people are going to enjoy themselves.

Oh yeah, and her food is EFFING AMAZING!

My beloved pretend ex-wife, Katie, first pointed out that the original Barefoot Contessa cookbook is essential to every kitchen. When Katie talks about food, I listen, so I bought it and have yet to go wrong. It is now to the point, though, that if you come to my home for dinner, you are more than likely going to have an Ina meal. I made my own vanilla extract because she taught me how. I dream of her kitchen, stocked with Fiesta. I haven't gotten to the point of wearing smock-ish shirts and referring to Craiggers as "Jeffrey," but I fear I am not far from it. Like I said, I'm a wee bit obsessed.

When I am stressed about school, cooking calms me down. It allows me to focus on something else that needs my concentration. I also love to entertain and show my appreciation of my loved ones with food, so when my friends enjoy my food, it is the ultimate compliment. Ina's books and shows have taken that to a whole new level. And when her hunky pal T.R. makes an appearance on the show, well, that is just the buttercream on the cake.

The Weekly Cheese

2008-12-21T21:45:00.004-05:00

The verdict is in for part five of our six part saga known here on Trading Faces as law school, and I have the same problem I always have, a problem that a few of my friends would probably like to beat me down for whining about. I left my Evidence exam thinking I got a C, or maybe even a D. I got a B+. I left my Criminal Procedure exam thinking I had knocked it out of the park. I got a B+. This semester brought two B's, two B+s, and an A in Sexual Orientation and the Law (because if I can't get an A in a seminar course about legal issues of my people, I don't deserve to be in law school). I've only ever dipped below a B once, and I've only ever gotten above it a couple of times. Which is bad in graduate school, and generally quite good in law school (unless you happen to go to one of those law schools that grade-inflate, an ever-increasing phenomenon it seems). At any rate, I will likely graduate with a very good GPA next semester, but without honors. Phooey.

Oh well, at least I am finally near graduation! If you know of job openings in the legal field, please pass them my way!

In honor of my very steady even-keeled performance at the B level, please take time to appreciate the brilliance that is the world's greatest party band, performing their much under-appreciated track "Give Me Back My Man" live in the 80s.

The Passing of a Bitchy Kitty

2008-12-21T21:30:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving eve while I was editing my paper for the gay law seminar I took this semester, my kitty Franklin came into the dining room acting odd. He was breathing from his mouth and drooling, and making a weird cough noise. Earlier he had messed in the floor around his food dish, which is very odd for him. When I picked him up, he yowled, and I could tell he had wet himself as well. We went to the emergency vet clinic, and it turns out he had cardiomyopathy, and likely had an aortic thromboembolism in his rear legs. Basically he had congestive heart failure and blood clots in his legs. The legs were ice cold and his temperature was very low. The vet gave almost no chance of recovery, so I made the very difficult decision to have him put to sleep. It was a pretty terrible evening, but we are getting by. I stayed with him during the event and saw him off, then buried him in a flower bed behind the house Thanksgiving morning.

Franklin was a Persian mix shelter kitty, and has always been a little neurotic over the year and a half I've had him, but the vets never found any health problems before now. His vet estimated that he was around five years old. He hated to be held, and if you insisted on doing it anyway, he would glare as though he wanted nothing more than to stab you in the face. In fact, he always kind of looked that way, in addition to bearing a striking resemblance to Wilford Brimley. He was a cranky little asshole, and I miss him terribly.

Lazy Days of Christmas

2008-12-21T13:08:00.004-05:00

I caught a bit of flack from a dear friend because I put my tree up this year a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving. You see, my final exams come immediately after Thanksgiving, so it is impractical to put my tree up after the food orgy. If I wait until after finals, I only have a couple of weeks to enjoy all the sparkle, and y'all know how much I love my sparkle. So the tree has been up for quite some time.

Admit it, you expected something much more Vegas, didn't you? Okay, will this wreath satisfy you?

Granted, this has been the only thing I've been proactive about thus far since I finished exams, unless you count making a lot of delicious fatty food for Craiggers and I prior to our post-New Year push to be gay skinny before we get hitched. And so I'm taking the easy way out yet again by stealing a blog meme from Trading Faces pal/long lost twin sister, Val:

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? It depends on the gift. Somethings are just impossible to wrap, plus the Trading Faces nephews and niece prefer the satisfying feeling of tearing into that paper. Granted, we have started screwing with them by putting their gifts into other boxes. Few things are more entertaining than seeing a 5-year-old girl's dejection when she thinks her favorite uncle has bought her some Fiestaware, only to discover a pretty pink Hannah Montana dress inside. Yeah, I'm a jerk.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial, both because I don't want the cleanup, and because I am engaged to Allergy Boy. I'm sure if we had a real tree, he'd lay around on the sofa like a dying swan complaining about his sinuses. An artificial tree makes us all happier.

3. When do you put up the tree? See above.

4. When do you take the tree down? After my New Year's Eve hangover has passed.

5. Do you like eggnog? Not even if it is 50% booze.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? A boatload of books and a bookshelf to hold them.

7 . Hardest person to buy for? My mother. The woman seriously has NO hobbies!

8. Easiest person to buy for? Craiggers because he keeps his Amazon wishlist up-to-date at all times just in case I magically come into a lot of money. I also always have the option of going to a video store and asking for the latest movie featuring teens getting hacked to pieces. Ick.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Ummmm....no.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I have never managed to get it together to mail out Christmas cards.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Try smiling when accepting a bottle of $5 cologne. I think I still have the lines in my face.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, except for the happy ending.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I have bought nothing this year. Things are not financially prosperous at the Trading Faces house this year. Here's hoping that this time next year I will be a gainfully employed attorney who can go bananas making up for the past three paltry years.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, but typically only for White Elephant exchanges at parties and such. Or my sister-in-law.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas ? I love a good holiday brunch. I love breakfast food in general, but I really love a brunch. We used to have one every year that involved me cooking like a maniac for a week. Once I even featured a waffle bar. Yes, I am too much.

16. Lights on the tree? Yes, clear with no twinkle. I'm going to start adding trees next year, my next one being a white tree with blue lights and decorations in hot pink, chartreuse, and turquoise.

17. Favorite Christmas song? I always claim my favorite Christmas song is "I'd Like You For Christmas" by Julie London. In reality, my two favorites are "Last Christmas" by Wham and "Christmas in Hollis" by Run D.M.C.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We typically drive east to Appalachia to visit my family. One of these days we're going to send out a notice that I-64 runs in both directions, park our butts at home, and have everyone visit us instead.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Yes, and I can re-name them too.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? I have a ceramic gold star, but I'm looking for something a bit more flashy without a lot of religious overtones. My friend Marc uses an African-American Barbie in a white gown with wings and hair teased out like Diana Ross. I feel so boring by comparison.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Craig and I get so excited that we're lucky to make it to Christmas eve.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? While I enjoy discovering what everyone is doing via Christmas newsletters, I can't help but think you're probably leaving out the best dirt.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Fiesta ornaments, of course!

24. Favorite Christmas dinner? Christmas morning at mom's with biscuits and gravy.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? World peace and an early Bush resignation. Perhaps that will gain me enough good karma to get a KitchenAid artisan stand mixer in tangerine and an iPhone.

Put on your big girl panties and quit your crying!

2008-11-24T18:05:00.002-05:00

There was an interesting article in yesterday's L.A. Times about Hollywood types who donated to the Yes on Prop 8 campaign and are now being ostracized and in some cases boycotted because those donations are public. Now, I would vigorously defend their right to donate to that cause. But this whining they're doing now is ridiculous. You're not being persecuted...you still have all your rights. If you want to believe I don't have equal rights, then put on your big girl panties, quit your crying and stand behind your donation! Please, by all means Mr. CEO of Cinemark, donate $9,999 to make sure I can't get married in California. It is okay that you don't support me. But don't cry when I don't support your theaters, or when I tell all of my friends not to support your theaters.

Sheesh! And these people think that gays are a bunch of sissies!

Sadie Sadie Married Lady

2008-11-05T18:38:00.004-05:00

I threw a small soiree last night for mostly law school folks to either celebrate or drown our sorrows. Fortunately it was a celebration, and in more ways than one.

I'm engaged.

Eeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

So here's how it went down: We had popped the champagne when Ohio was called for Obama because we knew that meant it was over. We continued celebrating for when CNN officially called the night for Obama, and during his speech. We were all crying and shouting for joy. I hugged Craig and said something or other to him, at which point he turned to me, got down on his knees, and asked if I would marry him. More tears of joy!

Obviously I said yes. Apparently he was planning to ask on our anniversary, but he said it just seemed like the right moment.

So, while votes were being counted showing that a slim majority of Californians think I don't have basic civil rights (at least when prompted by millions in Mormon money), I was busy getting engaged. I have a prediction that Prop 8 in California is going to go down because the Supremes out there ruled that marriage was a fundamental right under Equal Protection in their constitution. To take that away would mean a revision to their constitution, not an amendment, and would require a 2/3 majority in the legislature calling a constitutional congress. Hope springs eternal, eh? Regardless, Massachusetts will likely get our meager wedding dollars, probably sometime this summer. I can honestly say I am about the happiest I have ever been right at this moment.

Miss You Much

2008-10-28T23:52:00.002-04:00

My friend Becky blogged this week about her adventures in sweet potato cornbread. Cornbread...mmmmm. I was already missing my grandmother Rebecca today because every time I hear some interesting political tidbit (every five minutes in this season), I want to call her, but the cornbread made me want to call her that much more. She passed last December. I often still forget I can't call her anymore.

I lived out in New Mexico from 1997 to 2000, and I got a craving for her cornbread while I was 2,500 miles away, as she made the only cornbread I ever really loved. It was crispy on the outside, and not at all cake-like on the inside. My grandfather used to like it with soup beans or as a snack broken up into a glass of buttermilk. She was of the school that did not believe in measuring, so when I called her to ask for her recipe, she couldn't give it to me as there was no recipe. To satisfy my craving, she made a few batches of it to figure out a recipe. Don't tell my mom, but mine is totally better than hers as a result. The secret is pre-heating the cast iron skillet with a little bit of oil in the oven so that when you pour the batter in, it gets a nice crisp on the outside. And no sugar in the cornbread. It is not cake.

Rebecca Young's Crispy Cornbread

Ingredients:
Self-rising corn meal, 2 cups
Self-rising flour, 1/2 cup
Egg, 1
Baking soda, 1/2 tsp.
Buttermilk
Vegetable oil

Put about a tablespoon of vegetable oil in a cast iron skillet. Preheat oven to 425 degrees with the cast iron skillet in the oven. Combine all the ingredients in a bowl, and add just enough buttermilk to give the mixture the consistency of pancake batter. Pour the batter into the hot skillet and bake for 20-25 minutes. Turn the cornbread out onto a plate, crispy side up.

Love. Soft as an easy chair.

2008-10-28T22:06:00.006-04:00

Today is Write to Marry Day, a day when bloggers around the world post in opposition to the hateful Proposition 8 in California. Right now a small group of bigots with a LOT of funding, largely from the Mormon church, are attempting to re-write the constitution in California to make sure people like me are specifically noted as being less worthy of basic civil rights. Now, for those of you who know me and perhaps have not talked with me in a while, let me give you a little shock:

I really really really want to get married.

I know, until the past year or so, I have stated that it wasn't for me, that I'm happy the way things are in my life and see no need to change it. Well, I've changed, and I'm even happier for it. I'm ready to make The Commitment (no comment from Craiggers...we're in discussions on this, nothing definite yet, though I think it is safe to say he's pretty happy too). I've found the love of my life, I'm in it for the long haul, and I just don't get why people think it is appropriate to put my relationship up for a vote on a ballot measure.

I'd like to challenge you to give me one good reason why I should not be able to marry the partner of my choice, the man with whom I have shared my life for going on eight years. And it can't involve religion...this is not Iran, churches are not in charge of our government. What drives me bananas about the people who put these ballot measures up is that if they really wanted to protect marriage, where are the ballot measures to ban divorce? Or marriage on reality television? Or Pamela Anderson? I mean seriously people, if my relationship somehow threatens the sanctity of your marriage, then your marriage has far bigger problems that two queers living in a colorful ramshackle house with a menagerie of cats.

Bottom line: if you know someone in California, call them or e-mail them, and tell them how much it would mean to you if they vote No on Prop 8. If they are voting yes, ask them why, and ask them what threat I pose to their lives that they would want to make me a second class citizen. Even though I'm here in Kentucky, a state that is not likely to willingly recognize my potential future marriage, if I have learned anything in law school it is that the California courts are among the most influential in the country. Their precedent is often followed for years to come, and as the most populous state in the nation, it is important that they set our national example for equality. Call your friends in Cali. The staff here at Trading Faces thank you for it.

Love. Soft as an easy chair.

Big Brother: Presidential Edition

2008-10-28T21:57:00.005-04:00

Former Secretary of State/Right on Sister Madeline Albright tonight on The Rachel Maddow Show: "The next president can expect the unexpected." Does that mean running the nation is like competing in Big Brother? Because if so, I want in on that veto competition. Seriously, if it is an endurance competition, I can totally take McCain, and you know he can't get by on Big Brother slop. Julie Chen for Secretary of Defense!

Best political insight of the day: Joe of Joe My God, who suggested that Florida Governor/Big Gay Tangerine Charlie Crist extended early voting hours in Florida today because he's still mad that he pretended to like the kitty cat in order to get the v.p. nod, and got snubbed by McCain for Caribou Barbie. It would be even funnier if Republican strategists weren't openly admitting that suppressing voter turnout is part of the strategy for winning, and has been for years. Stick that in your ACORN and smoke it, McSame!

The Weekly Cheese: The Dirty Talk Express

2008-10-27T09:22:00.003-04:00

In my previous life before becoming a law student, I was in management at a local utility company. My job was to use data analysis of various factors to determine how many people we needed on the phones at any given 15-minute interval, and to place them there. Are you still wondering why I returned to school?

At any rate, at one point my office was out on the floor of the call center, placing me in earshot of some of our employees, one of whom had a voice that carried. Regina was a sweet grandmotherly-type and an excellent employee. My favorite moment at that company stemmed from the fact that Regina was able to remain professional in the face of extreme absurdity. I cannot say the same for myself when I overheard her discussing some pay-per-view charges being disputed by a customer. Please imagine, if you will, your grandmother having this discussion with a completely straight face:

"Sir, according to your account, I see that you were charged for 'Big Black Boobies' on Thursday at 3:15am. The previous Tuesday, you were charged for 'Slap That Ass' at 2:30am, and before that you were charged for 'Booty Patrol 3'."

At this point I am standing by her desk, tears streaming down my face and completely falling out. Because let's be real, there are few things in life funnier than a sweet old person using dirty language. And that is why today, our Cheese video feature is dedicated to an American treasure, Ms. Betty White. She is a genius, and I won't have a thing said against her. Here Betty is being interviewed by Craig Ferguson in her capacity as a speech writer for John McCain, and she gets a little salty regarding the Dan Quayle of Alaska, Bible Spice herself, Sarah Palin:

Educating Sarah

2008-10-27T09:14:00.001-04:00

Sweet fancy Moses, I effing hate Sarah Palin.

I know, hate is a rather strong word, but she really does represent everything that is wrong with modern government, from the hypocrisy to the outright lies about her opponents to the glorification of lack of intelligence as being "one of the people." So yes, I hate her. But what I REALLY hate about her is the idea that her nomination is somehow a historic moment for women, something my niece will someday view as a transformation for women in politics. Sarah Palin is a step back for women because she has no idea what sexism actually is as she demonstrated yesterday on the campaign trail with View hostess/professional nitwit Elizabeth Hasselback.

Now I realize that this is not terribly surprising for a variety of reasons. What can we really expect her to know considering that she is STILL unaware of the constitutional mandates on the job to which she aspires? And, can we really expect her to understand sexism when her running mate votes against equal pay for equal work (see Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act)? It probably is raising expectations a bit high for the governor. So, in an act of generosity and civic duty, here is a bit of advice and education for Ms. Palin.

1. Having Elizabeth Hasselbeck stump for you is not a good move, even if she does make you look like a genius by comparison. Surely you can do better when looking for young enthusiastic female conservatives than someone who is famous for losing a reality game show and losing arguments with Whoopi Goldberg. Call CNN contributor Amy Holmes, or perhaps that nice Kennedy who used to be on MTV. I bet she isn't busy at all.

2. If an interviewer asked Joe Biden about Darfur, then turned and asked you who did your hair, that would be sexist (though I daresay you'd do better on the hair question). If GQ put you on their hot woman list while talking about the policies of Obama, that would be sexist. However, if you paint your opponents as elitists, portray yourself as Joann Six-Pack, and then spend $150,000 of campaign donor money on clothes and hair, it is not sexist to point out that you are a hypocrite. It is just being honest. No one is focusing on your clothes...well, no one except the mouth-breathers on right-wing blogs who are hot for you. They are focusing on how your clothing expenditures do not jive with your campaign statements. This is not a complex concept, even for you.

People hold women in politics to a completely different standard of appearance without a doubt. Some turn it to their advantage in a positive way (Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit was without a doubt the best line Hillary had the whole campaign). Some ignore it and work for the day when it no longer exists, creating opportunity to raise women up. Palin has chosen to use it to her advantage in a negative manner by claiming it where it does not exist. Crying sexism every time her political and personal choices are questioned is a pathetic attempt to deflect attention from all the things she does not know, and it is far more harmful to equal treatment of women than the lambasting of feminists that she spouts every chance she gets.

This is all also proof that I clearly should not have CNN or MSNBC on while I'm trying to read for class.

The Real Debate

2008-10-16T12:34:00.004-04:00

This election is taking over my life, and so I recorded last night's debate and spent my time having a real debate with some friends over wine and sweet Italian turkey sausage lasagna: Who deserved to win last night's Project Runway finale?

It sure as hell wasn't Kenley, because this hot mess was TERRIBLE. It looked like she was designing for Alexis Carrington Colby's sofa. Just terrible. But I'm sure she blames it all on having been a rude ass biatch to Uncle Tim.

I think either Korto or Leanne could have won easily...they were both spectacular in completely different ways. Korto is far more commercial and she addresses bodies in a way that most designers do not. She is needed in the industry. Leanne's sculptural aesthetic is so different than everything out there, and I think her collection and items from the rest of the season show she has potential for a more innovative career in high fashion than Korto. Those waves in all her clothes were just amazing. I would have been happy if either one won. If I were backed into a corner, I think I'd go for innovation more than commercial appeal, and would choose Leanne, but only be a hair.

I was thinking last night about something the judges said about Korto being pigeon-holed, and I have a real problem with it. They really have the dying view that European is the standard in fashion, ignoring the rest of the world. Christian's aesthetic last year was completely European, and they went nuts for that. Korto's clothes had only a slight nod to African style, and suddenly they are too limited? Please people, widen your world view. I'll say it again, Korto is someone who is very much needed in the fashion industry.

The Cheese

2008-10-14T22:25:00.002-04:00

This edition of The Cheese was inspired by vice presidential nominee/maverick/Karen Walker impersonator, Sarah "Bible Spice" Palin. You see, the crowds she is drawing with their Curious George dolls as Obama and shouts to kill him inadvertently gave me the solution to our economic crisis.

Tax the stupid people.

We will be back in black in a matter of months just by passing the hat at those rallies.

Debate #2

2008-10-07T23:49:00.004-04:00

Winner winner chicken dinner for Team Obama tonight! Two things really struck me about tonight's debate:

1. McCain wonders around the stage exactly like Sophia from "The Golden Girls." Seriously, when he was puttering around behind Obama while he was talking, doing his peepaw shuffle, I was absolutely DYING for a piece of cheesecake out on the lanai.

2. The one good thing about McCain is that whenever he's on television, for some reason all the neighborhood children get off my lawn.

Like most of America, I agree Obama won, but not on substance. Don't get me wrong, I agreed with him on most everything. I thought his substance was good, and that he edged McCain there to some extent. But neither of them went out on a limb and stated any bold new ideas that showed great leadership. Good leadership, perhaps, but not great.

Where Obama won was on style, the kind of style that conveys confidence in the electorate that someone is ready to be president. He can seem a bit distant, and I was complaining to friends that he missed opportunities to connect. He could have taken his statements on sacrificing to save energy and talked about what his own family does (for example, their only car is an American-made hybrid). He doesn't tend to do that. When he was talking health care, though, he talked about his mom and her financial difficulties when she had terminal cancer, and then connected it directly to the problems with our health industry. That was great, and he needs to do that more to show people that he really gets it. Contrast that with McCain attacking, versus Obama hitting back from the attacks and then immediately pivoting to what he would do about whatever was the issue at hand. It was effective, and I think people will really like it.

Finally, McCain to be blunt looked like he had a stroke five minutes before the debate. He shuffled around that stage like an old man, grimaced constantly, and made some really nutty statements ("That one"? Are you kidding me with that condescending shit?!). At one point he was shuffling around behind Obama while Obama was talking, and he looked like he was a nursing home patient who escaped. It didn't help that he kept referring to people and events in the 80s that half the audience doesn't remember. He looked old, he looked like the past, and on that alone, he lost big tonight. He is a 20th century man who is not prepared to be president in the 21st century.

While I'm on a roll here, I want to make a couple of points or three about this terrorist claptrap that has been spread like manure for the past two days by the McCain campaign.

1. Obama was on a charity board with a rehabilitated radical. Sarah Palin goes to bed every night with someone who advocated secession from the United States. Glass igloos, hockey puck. Glass igloos.

2. When someone shouts "Kill him" or "Terrorist" in front of Palin or McCain in reference to their opponent and they say NOTHING, it shows exactly the people they are. Of course, this is no surprise for McCain since he let a supporter refer to Hillary Clinton as a bitch at a town hall earlier this year, and did nothing but grin. Really classy there, peepaw.

3. The Clintons are the most effective political team of the past 50 years. If there were real Muslim or terrorist connections for Obama, they would have found them and ran him out of the race. CNN spent upwards of six figures investigating Obama's past and found NOTHING. Anyone who seriously believes that Barack Obama is a terrorist or some sort of Muslim Manchurian candidate at this point believes it because they want to believe it. I'm not saying why they want to believe it...only they can answer that. But they are believing it because if they don't, they will have to admit there is some other reason they don't want to vote for someone who probably serves their interests far better than a man who has helped drive our economy into the ground and put our security at risk via terrible decisions.

Good night, folks! Law school is still kicking my butt, and I'm afraid this election is going to make me flunk out...I need some Project Runway to lighten things up!

Separated At Birth 2: The YouTube Edition

2008-09-12T10:19:00.002-04:00

I hate Sarah Palin. Every time she opens her mouth, I want to hit her in the face with a rake. The idiocy that she spews makes me ill, like her complete willingness to go into Russia with guns blazing, or her contention that the jury is out on what causes global warming.

That said, one would think I would at least like the sound of her voice. Because it seems she stole it from one of my favorite character actresses ever:

Cute stuff. And far more intelligent than these idiotic musings:

Separated At Birth

2008-08-30T00:30:00.003-04:00

Karen! Is that you?!

"Honey, what's this about? What's going on here? I thought we talked about those butter teeth of yours. Have Cindy pick you up some Crest Whitestrips the next time she goes in for a fill-up at the drive-thru botox clinic, 'kay?"

Oh wait, that's not beloved gay icon Karen Walker! That's rancid gay-hating conservative wackadoo VP candidate Sarah Palin! It's an easy mistake, though. Same hairpiece, same amount of qualifications for the job.

America's Next Top Cat Model

2008-07-20T19:09:00.005-04:00

If you think there are cat fights on Ty Ty's set, you haven't seen a diva fit until you've seen an episode of the hottest new reality show, "America's Next Top Cat Model." Here's a recap of this week's episode, the creative headwear challenge:

Sly lost points for not smiling with his eyes, and for trying to mate with Tyra's wig. I'm sorry Sly, you are not America's Next Top Cat Model.

Franklin, you are working your jungle realness, but biting Miss Jay won't get you anywhere in the cat modeling industry. You are not America's Next Top Cat Model.

While plus-size models are not normally our thing, Truman has the haughty glamour that sells products. Congratulations Truman! Meanwhile, the show producers plan to sleep with one eye open for the next few weeks.

Who says you can't have a good time for less than $3.00?

F U AT&T

2008-07-03T21:50:00.002-04:00

My phone died about six months ago, so I was forced to get a new one. Since I knew the 3G iPhone I have waited for, the second generation model on the better network, would be released sometime this year, I bought a cheapo refurbished Motorola Blackjack to suffice in the mean time. I can't really afford the new iPhone when it is released next week since I had to get new glasses this week for my old pepaw eyes, but was planning to get one in August. That is until I saw how AT&T is going to screw me over for the price of the 16GB model:

New AT&T Customers buying an iPhone: $299
Old AT&T Customers who haven't bought a phone in ages: $299
Old AT&T Customers who have had to replace broken equipment: $499

Seriously. $499. Fuck them. I'm giving consideration to "moving" to my mother's house where no reception is available, voiding my contract, switching to Verizon, and trying to get an unlocked iPhone 3G on the down-low, even if it exceeds AT&T's fuckover price. If this is how I'm treated for spending more money with them over the last seven years I've been a customer than most of the people eligible for a $200 savings, they can suck it.

The sad thing is, in making a nuisance of myself to them in an effort to get my way I am having to torment some poor schlub who makes a terrible wage and has to deal with the consequences of bad corporate decision-making. I know because I've been there. I worked for Sprint maybe 9 years ago, and it was terrible because they had so very little regard for their customers.

We Judge Things

2008-06-21T14:09:00.007-04:00

I love to take surveys, not because I particularly want to be helpful, but because I think my opinion is far better than yours. That is also why I can tell you without the slightest hesitation that you must buy the following music that is currently in heavy rotation on the Trading Faces IPod:

Rockferry, Duffy

Do you like Amy Winehouse? If you don't, get the hell off my blog! If you do, then you might find Duffy appealing. They both have this fantastic twist on a 60s sound, though the similarities end there. Think of Amy as the bad girl Ronnie Spector to Duffy's moody drama with crystalline perfection Dusty Springfield. The first sinigle, "Mercy," is a bouncy and soulful little ditty, but the rest of the album is far more somber and introspective. There isn't a bad song on this gem. It's no "Back to Black," but it is pretty easily the best thing I have purchased in 2008.

Bring Ya To The Brink, Cyndi Lauper

She's back, and we're happy to have her around! I love love love this CD, and if you like dance pop, you will too. Cyndi's new musical direction takes her old quirky and sassy lyrical content and sets it to an edgy beat. Imagine if you had the music Madonna has put out lately (more on that in a moment), but with a sense of humor and a bit more humanity (because I love Madge, but you can't imagine that she's a particularly friendly lady). Shake your butt to her new single, "Into The Nightlife."

Funplex, The B-52s

I've been a fan of The B-52s since about 1986, and had the good fortune to see them earlier this summer here in The Ville. Every one of them is 50+ years old, and except for Fred, they all look younger than me. Bitches. There isn't anything on this album that is as commercial as "Love Shack," but several of the songs will easily be among my favorite tunes by the World's Greatest Party Band. Perhaps one of their top 3 albums they have made. The title track is the first single, but my favorite on the album is the surf rock guitar of "Pump," which was featured on Showtime's "The L Word."

Hard Candy, Madonna

Oh Madonna, goddess of the gays, how many ways do I love thee? I recently put the remastered version of her self-titled debut back into circulation, and it is amazing how she and Shannon really were the blueprint for club music for years after the death of disco. That album really holds up. We'll see how well this one does. Don't get me wrong, I really love it. I'm just not so sure that in a few years it won't be completely dated. That's what happens when you bring on producers who sort of define a particular time in sound like Timbaland. The first single, "Four Minutes," is fantastic, the only problem with it is that it could have been recorded by Rhianna, Beyonce, Ciara, or anyone else for that matter. Usually when Madge collaborates, she takes a bit of someone's sound but makes it distinctively her. She gets lost in this and a few other tracks that are undoubtedly brilliant pop. Best song on the album is the one I dreaded most, "Beat Goes On," her duet with Kanye West, which is a little reminiscent of "Car Wash" to me for some reason . I think he's brilliant, but he annoys the hell out of me throwing hissy fits when he doesn't get showered with awards, so I thought this would be another of his massive ego overloads. Never doubt the power of Madonna's ego, though, because this track she completely owns, and she's a fool if she doesn't release it as a single. Final word, it is no "Madonna," "Like a Prayer," or "Ray of Light," but it is good pop music that definitely improves on lesser works like "Erotica," "Bedtime Stories," or "American Life."

Busted Business Bureau

2008-06-21T13:48:00.004-04:00

I am normally quite skeptical of the As Seen On TV sorts of products, but I'm telling you, put it up against the iPhone, and the PedEgg wins for product of the year! I bought one a few days ago at Walgreens, and my hooves are as smooth as if I had just gotten a pedi. It is a beauty miracle! My heels in particular were just CRUSTY, and that little egg just zipped it all off like so much dust! Don't walk, run to get one!

An additional benefit of this miracle product...never again worry about running out of parm at a dinner party.

On the other hand (or rather other appendage), the editors here at Trading Faces whole-heartedly condemn the Magic Rings offered up at the sex toy events known as Surprise Parties (which I always thought should be called Fuckerware, but that's just me).

These things are supposed to stretch like jelly, but evidently they are deeply limited in their durability. I won't get too graphic, but let's just say that you should imagine a rubber band breaking and slapping you in a place that should only ever be treated nicely. Avoid them at all costs.

And that's all from the Consumer Affairs division of Trading Faces...looking out for you like the Better Business Bureau after five shots of tequila.

Breaking Up With Keith Olbermann

2008-06-17T21:42:00.003-04:00

My imaginary relationship with Anderson Cooper had to end because I can't deal with the closet. Now another silver fox newshound imaginary boyfriend has broken my heart.

Like most progressives, I am an avid Keith Olbermann fan. I enjoy trying to predict each evening what he will call out as the top five stories we will be discussing in the morning. Sometimes I'm right, often I'm wrong because let's face it, such things are for the most part quite subjective.

Sometimes, though, a news story is so big that even when you're busy, you make a specific point of tuning in to get his point of view because there is simply no way it won't make The Countdown. Tonight was such a night for me, and I have to count myself sadly disappointed. Mr. Olbermann, you missed the mark. Sure, Cindy McCain's people plagiarized a cookie recipe. But really, is that more momentous than full equal marriage rights in California? Let me put how big this is into perspective:

As of last night, me, my partner, and millions of Americans are at last equal citizens in 2 of 50 states. One of the ten largest economies in the world made gay folks equal citizens under the law.

Last night I watched the first weddings online, shedding tears of joy with the beautiful Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, two of our foremothers who lost their jobs in the 50s because of their love for one another. I and all other freedom-loving people owe these women a debt of gratitude, and my happiness for them was tempered by my difficulty in finding coverage of their momentous event in the mainstream media that wasn't buried under a dozen other stories. Craiggers was about to go to bed last night when it was finally covered on CNN. I tuned in to Countdown tonight assured that I would see some recognition of how enormous this moment is, only to be disappointed.

This is just one more reason Rachel Maddow needs her own show immediately, preferably replacing the insipid Dan Abrams. I have no doubt that Mr. Olbermann is on my side in this fight. He and so many other members of the media need to be reminded, though, that the rights he may take for granted are quite a big deal to the rest of us. At least a bigger deal than viral videos and wacky criminals.

And now I'm just waiting for that proposal.

A Note From a Hard-Working White Guy

2008-05-09T17:36:00.002-04:00

NOTE: Well y'all, after a long break off, I'm officially 2/3 of an attorney. I had hoped to make my come-back post something fun and funny. Then I just got pissed off, so you're in for a rant. Please stay tuned for some fun to return.

I had decided Wednesday that I would no longer make snarky remarks about the Clintons. The election is all but over, the bad behavior will soon be a thing of the past, and now is the time for some much-needed unity because the choices in November are quite clear.

Then Hillary Clinton had to act a fool. Again.

Clinton cited an Associated Press poll "that found how Senator Obama's support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me."

Sometimes I wish our elections were like Showtime at the Apollo. If they were, someone would have chased the Clintons off the stage by now with a very big broom.

Now, despite the fact that I have spent my day today shopping for ties for a pal's wedding and seeing a matinee of "Iron Man" with Craiggers, I think I'm a fairly hard working white American. I don't spend my whole day on my feet like my mama, but I work it when necessary. That pesky college education I earned by working my way through, the education that is apparently keeping me from supporting Sen. Clinton, wasn't necessary for me to know this: Democrats loose white people every election, and have for a couple of generation. Bill Clinton lost white folks. Both times.

There was a time when we called Bill Clinton America's first black president. He just seemed to have a way of relating to people different than him to the point that you felt like he was one of you. That was the way for gay folks too, even though he consistently sold us out once he was elected. Clearly that relationship was a one-way street because the Clintons and their surrogates have shown over and over that black voters are not the party voters who really matter.

The behavior of the Clintons is all the more shocking because statistics show that it was a coalition led by black voters who put Bill Clinton into office. He lost among white voters to both Bush and Dole, just as all Democrats do. So why the Clintons and the pundits devalue the black vote is beyond me.

Black voters turn out to exercise their choice in heavy numbers, and they do so with loyalty to the Democratic party. Instead of trying to lure back the so-called Reagan Democrats (who, newsflash, are not coming back), we should be building the party with voters who will be as consistent and loyal as African Americans have been. And instead of insulting them with claims that the voters who really matter are the mythical white folks of the Clinton coalition, progressive white folks should be thanking the black voters for saving our asses over and over again. The Clintons ought to be offering rides to the polls for black voters with a foot rub afterward. After all, they're the voters who built the legacy that the Clintons are quickly destroying with every ill-advised comment.

I'm That Guy

2008-02-28T21:45:00.005-05:00

Last spring I had to go to campus on a Saturday. Being that it was Saturday, I can park in the faculty parking lot rather than hiking in from Siberia as I do on a weekday (in spite of tuition that is on the level of a new compact car annually). For whatever reason, campus was hopping that day, and there was only one open space in the lot. Located next to a Ford Excursion. A ginormous Ford Excusion parked by Stevie Wonder. I wrenched my back getting out of my Honda Civic, and wrenched it again two hours later when I returned to my car. The rage bubbled up inside me, and for the first time in my life, I left a note on someone's car.

I can assure you it was not the note posted above.

No, it was more salty and to the point. After all, I did major in journalism. I believe in being concise:

If you fuck like you park, you'll never get it in.

And I don't feel bad about it, not one bit. Not just because this driver was piggy with the parking spaces, but because they're piggy with the planet. I say this to friends and foes alike: if you're driving a gas-guzzling SUV in today's world, you are selfish, and need to take a long hard look at yourself. Period. You know what extreme low mileage does to dwindling fossil fuel supplies and to the environment. Clearly you don't care. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

I have a personal policy regarding SUVs, especially Hummers, a vehicle which is an automotive substitute for a gigantic flashing neon sign proclaiming the driver to be an asshole. If you are driving a fuel-inefficient SUV, I will not let you over in traffic. You could probably crush my lovely little Honda of Destiny, but I will not yield. What's more, I will force you to slow down when merging, and I will let cars driven by people who care about the future of the planet in front of me when I know it will slow you down. Just call me the karma police.

All this said, if you made me have to park in a lot that's a mile away because you don't understand the mechanics of getting a metal box between two yellow lines, I'm leaving a note on your vehicle. I don't care if you're driving a horse and buggy. I'm that guy.

The Weekly Cheese: Kylie Edition

2008-02-28T21:19:00.003-05:00

I love Sinead O'Connor. Her first album was genius, and her big breakthrough "I Do Not Want What I Have Not Got" (containing the big hit) is one of my ten favorite albums of all time. Earlier this week, Sinead said she would rather take a bullet than listen to Kylie Minogue.

Oh hell naw!

Now, I understand that it is fluffy, but my tens of readers know I love some Kylie Minogue. In fact, I've had her on permanent rotation this week. Sure, Sinead is more musically talented. But these serious musicians for the most part could not put together a catchy and escapist pop song to save their lives. It is a skill...just ask the billionaire members of ABBA. So, in tribute to the Princess of Pop, this week's installment of The Weekly Cheese pays tribute to Australia's favorite daughter.

Disclaimer: No grouchy Irish songstresses were harmed in the making of this blog post.

Live at the Brit Awards, "Can't Get Blue Monday Out of My Head" featuring the fiercest boots this side of Nancy Sinatra.

"Better the Devil You Know," classic Kylie circa 1990

Hot song and nearly nekkid boys, "Red Blooded Woman" live from the "Showgirl" tour.

The German-only release (which explains the high-cheese content of the video) of the Village People-inspired "Your Disco Needs You."

Live Blogging the Oscars

2008-02-24T20:36:00.036-05:00

5:50 – Want proof that E! spent too much on Ryan Peecrust’s contract? I give you E! fashion commentator, Kim KardASSian. I can almost smell the dried semen from here.

6:00 – Speaking of Ryan, I haven’t seen a tuxedo that ugly since my father’s second wedding in 1978. Sadly, I was wearing it.

6:13 – Kimora Lee Simmons just called the Juno girl plain. That’s like having a tranny hooker tell you to be a little more sexually adventurous.

6:24 – Heidi Klum, amazing! Though if Sissy Bear had sent that down the runway, she probably would have called it too retro.

6:28 – Amy Ryan (“Gone Baby Gone”) looks a little dull in her Calvin Klein. Mr. Klein must still be spending too much time pretending to be strayt, which has turned him into Donna Karen. At least Amy looks thrilled to be there. It’s always nice to see someone really excited about their good fortune instead of some of these sour-ass jaded bitches.

6:34 – Clooney’s daughter is shockingly pretty, but really doesn’t look much like him. It’s so nice of her to escort her dad to the Oscars.

6:46 – Being someone who doesn’t tan, I’ve never been one to call out someone as looking ill, and I won’t be doing it tonight because I’m afraid Anne Hathaway will come find me and feast on my blood.

6:58 – Daniel Day Lewis must have told someone to wake him up before they go go.

7:02 – It is possible that the McDermott family has the best hair in the history of hair.

7:06 – I used to make fun of John Travolta’s 90s boy band wig. I’d like for him to bring it back. Please.

7:07 – The fact that Marisa Tomei and Helen Hunt have Oscars seem to have given hope to The Rock. Bless his heart. He cleans up nicely.

7:11 – Amy Adams is so pretty. You’d think she’d know better than to get her dress at Contempo Casual back in 1990. Don’t you need boobies to wear a cone bra top?

7:12 – Trading Faces guest commentators Andy and Becca are with us this evening. Andy has already threatened to throw me out of my own house for insulting Marisa Tomei.

7:19 – Just when you thought life couldn’t get any worse for Gary Busey, he gets dismissed by Ryan Seacrest.

7:27 – I know Marion Cottiliard is French. That’s no excuse to dress like the Little Albino Mermaid.

7:34 – What’s the hottest accessory on the red carpet? According to Jessica Alba, it is a scrub.

7:36 – Agreement at last…we all agree we would murder each other for the opportunity to sleep with Javier Bardem.

7:38 – I think I just scared my guests by threatening to beat Cameron Diaz to a bloody pulp for wearing a pony tail on the red carpet. Clearly they don’t understand just how important these things are.

7:41 – I would comment on Tilda Swinson’s dress, but I’m afraid she might cast a jelly-legs jinx on me. Avada Kedavra, Tilda!

7:42 – I have a problem with men who show up to the Oscars without having shaved. That said, I have seen Colin Ferrell naked. He can wear his hair however he damn well pleases.

7:49 – Ellen Page, thank you for being a friend. Travelled down the road and back again. After the Oscars, how about we go have some cheesecake out on the lanai.

7:51 – Becca’s hair is maybe three inches long, and even she asked, “What the fuck did Renee Zellweger do to her hair?!” I’m wondering if she went into the salon and said, “Give me the Jane from Melrose Place”?

7:53 – Viggo Mortenson used to be a poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed. Now that he’s moved on up to Beverly, he should get a haircut.

7:58 – I’d comment on all the end stuff, but Becca and I are about to throw down over Katherine Heigel’s hair. She went off on it, not realizing I used to have that as a wig.

8:01 – When did Regis Philbin become Bob Barker?

8:14 – What queen did Mrs. Daniel Day Lewis insult that he dressed her like a Christmas doorknocker?

8:15 – Cameron Diaz looks nice from the front. Then she turns around and looks like she dropped a load into her diaper.

8:17 – I’m so impressed that Regis’s granddaughter has managed to be in the bleachers for that many years.

8:19 – SCREAM! Tilda Swinson needs to stay off my damn television. I have neighbors and don’t need Becca screaming like a white woman every time she pops onto screen.

8:24 – Ellen Page again. Lord, where are those bitches from “What Not To Wear” when you need them. Seriously, she looks like your old spinster aunt who is a professional potter, and you’ve invited her to a formal wedding and told her she has to dress up.

8:27 – Jack Nicholson must have just gotten his eyes dilated. And by dilated, I mean snorted a LOT of coke.

8:40 – Jon Stewart made a joke about Obama. Quick director, put the camera on some black people! Oh wait, you beat me to it. By the way, tell Spike Lee that Lou Bega would like his hat back unless you’d like to do your rendition of “Mambo #5.”

8:46 - One of my guests is accusing Miley Cyrus of having a cleft palate. This is clearly a tough room.

8:47 - Clinique, could y'all ship some of that eye cream to George Clooney? He needs to moisturize his situation.

8:55 - "You're not even famous!" "You're a nobody! Get off the stage!" Lawd, this crowd at my house should never be allowed to actually go to the Oscars because we'd totally be thrown out for screaming at the director of the best animated feature.

8:59 - I want to like Amy Adams, except she keeps showing up in dresses from TJ Maxx. Girl, this isn't formal night at the Shriner's lodge. You're pretty and talented. Hire a gay to work that stuff out for you.

9:08 - Queen Latifah got people to take her seriously in Hollywood despite her silly name by having talent. You should try that instead of changing your name, Rock. No one is buying this "Dwayne" business.

9:10 - Harrison Ford to the employee of Supercuts: "Give me the Trump."

9:14 - Jennifer Hudson looks pretty and can't read a cue card, sort of like a contestant on America's Next Top Model who hasn't thrown up everything she's ever eaten.

9:17 - I want someone other than Hal Holbrook to win Best Supporting Actor so that Dixie Carter will stand up and say, "And I want to thank you Rae Dawn, on behalf of all the women of the world!" before slapping the shit out of them.

9:19 - I just had to apologize to my guests for my erection. Thanks a lot, Javier Bardem.

9:26 - This is the best episode of "Star Search" ever! I hope Ed McMahon gives that little girl four stars! Oh wait, this is the best song nominee from that Felicity movie that sucked. Never mind.

9:29 - Owen Wilson is so depressing on the medication he's taking to keep from killing himself that they should have had him introducing Best Documentary.

9:30 - Is it me, or does Bee from "Bee Movie" have the same hair as John Travolta?

9:38 - I want Ruby Dee to punch Tilda Swinton out. That's all.

9:39 - Actually, that is not all. I understand that you're this year's Serious British Actress, but that is no reason to take a damn backdrop from the window at Hot Topic and wear it as a dress. I hope Helen Mirrin sits you down and has a come to Jesus meeting with you, Tilda.

9:48 - I've got to develop my Scottish accent. That way I too can not bother to shave for a formal event and look like a starving rat, and still get laid like crazy. Thanks for the tip, James McAvoy.

9:53 - I'm not sure what's more shocking: that Miley Cyrus is on the Oscars, or that Billy Ray didn't horn his way onto that too.

9:54 - I adore Kristen Chenoweth, but I have to wonder how it is that "9 to 5" lost the best song Oscar and this crap from "Enchanted" got a nomination. It's a tribute to Chenoweth's appeal that I don't want to hit her with a shovel right now.

10:13 - Do you get the feeling that the Best Actress award was a bit of a "fuck you" to the Bush administration? It's the Freedom Oscars, y'all!

10:20 - I can't see Colin Ferrell anymore without thinking "I could eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner right here!" You'll only get that joke if you surf for deeply inappropriate video online, in which case shame on you!

10:31 - I'm glad to see the FDA decided that Botox has no ill effects on a fetus. Otherwise Nikki Kidman would be looking like Karl Malden right about now.

10:37 - Right now Calista Flockhart and Catherine Zeta Jones are watching this honorary Oscar winner and seeing their near-future flash before their eyes.

10:44 - Foreign films? Come on Hollywood, you're either with us or against us.

10:46 - The writers of the original songs from "Hairspray" made two mistakes that caused them not to get any nominations for Best Song. 1) Having someone sing the song that people have ever hear of, and 2) Not testing the songs on diabetics to see if they put the testees into a sugar coma.

10:49 - His Ron Popeil spray hair is making me question all those gay rumors about Travolta.

10:58 - Scene at Cameron Diaz's seamstress's home: "What do you have to make my hips look huge, my boobs look non-existent, and my ass like I've just taken a dump? Oh that's perfect, I'll take it. I think I'll wear a ponytail with it since all I'm doing is presenting at the Oscars."

11:01 - It is funny to hear Hillary Swank talk about the giants of cinema and not mean her teeth.

11:12 - I'm concerned that having our military servicemen on the Oscars will trigger a Don't Ask Don't Tell investigation.

11:17 - You know, I have sat through this entire evening of people dressing blandly so they won't be talked about badly, of people not going off the cue cards, and how am I rewarded? They can't even put Michael Moore up on stage to act a fool and piss people off. Dammit.

11:25 - I wonder how it would look if you bejeweled Jackee Harry's nightgown? Ahhhh, not good Ms Diablo Cody. And yet I adore her. Go figure.

11:32 - Daniel Day Lewis, bless his heart, is the male Bjork of the Oscars. You can always count on him to have an ignorant-assed outfit to give horrible people like me something to talk about. He could still get it, though, even if it is only on the basis of how hot he was in "My Beautiful Lauderette."

11:45 - Denzel, I do not care for the Ving Rames look on you. Please grow your hair back immediately. Thank you.

11:47 - So, this may go down in history as the most boring Oscars ever, at least in terms of fashion (I rather liked Jon Stewart I must say). I can see being so terrified of being called out by Joan Rivers that you hire a stylist to turn you into generic celebrity, but come on, Debbie Matenopoulous does those post-Oscars commentary things now. She's dumber than a sack of hammers, who cares what she or a bitch like me thinks? Much as I loathed Tilda's outfit, I salute her for trying something off-the-wall. I'd rather be loathed than forgotten any day. Good night, y'all!

Project Too Gay

2008-02-21T13:40:00.007-05:00

Joan Collins, you were the hottest, and dare I say fiercest, bitch in the 80s. And I know you got around (didn't we all?). But Joan, these guys? I mean really.

And it is bad enough that you let them get under your beaded gown, but did you have to give up the love child that wild night produced?

I mean, he is pretty talented, and I know how you love the puffy sleeves.

By the way, isn't it nice to see how well Vicki from "Small Wonder" grew up?

Editor's Note: Princess Puffysleeves screen capture is blatently lifted from the hot bitches over at the world's greatest blog, Project Rungay.

Glass Trailers

2008-02-19T18:49:00.004-05:00

Breaking News: In another post-Grammy Awards shocking revelation, former celebrity Natalie Cole declared that Alicia Keys needs to get her own act instead of just stealing the act of some poor dead guy who can't say no.

In other Grammy news, Christopher Cross complained this week to Access Hollywood that The Foo Fighters were robbed of the award for Best Album, asking, "Why do they always give these things to the most lightweight pieces of fluff possible instead of the guys who rock out?"

Editor's Note: Yes, we realize it is several days past the Grammys, giving this post a decidedly stale flavor. Give us a break..we're still rusty and trying to get back into regular blogging shape.

The Cheese: Saturday Morning

2008-02-19T18:16:00.002-05:00

People in my age group have fond memories of School House Rocks. To this day, the only way I can remember the Preamble to the Constitution is if I sing it in the School House Rocks style. But do you remember when ABC expanded their between-cartoon segments to include Menudo and The Bod Squad? Today's Trading Faces Cheese will have you hankering for a hunk of it.

Hanker For A Hunka Cheese

Don't Drown Your Food

Yuck Mouth

And just for good measure...

The Preamble

Down With Hopes, Up With Dopes

2008-02-14T11:04:00.004-05:00

John McCain has officially jumped the shark, y'all. Peepaw needs a nap!

I mean another nap.

His speech Tuesday night made clear several things:

1. He is running against Obama.
2. He will say anything he has to say to get the Radical Right to like him.
3. He doesn't know anyone who is under 45 and non-white (that stage was like a mausoleum!).
4. He is completely batshit crazy.

I mean seriously, peepaw, you're basically giving the speech declaring yourself as the nominee, and all you can do is deride dreams and hopes as a concept? You really don't believe a leader is supposed to inspire us to dream big and then go out and make that dream happen? What a deeply negative message for a campaign, especially one that is winning. That is a strange strategic move for his campaign. My favorite quote from his speech was:

"They will appeal to our dreams of a better future for ourselves, our families and our country, but they would take from us more of the wealth we have earned to build those dreams and assure us that government is better able than we are to make decisions about our future for us."

Ummmm...if someone is dreaming of a better future, chances are they don't have a lot of wealth these alleged crazed Democrats can take. I'd like to know where all this wealth is...apparently this recession thing is just a myth and we're all rich unless we elect Obama! Who knew?

I liked John McCain to some extent, at least as a person if not politically. I think he was stupid to kowtow to the Bush administration, especially after what they did to him in 2000, and he will pay politically for hitching his wagon to that hot mess. And I never believed he is the maverick he says he is...his voting record is insanely conservative (except that he doesn't want to load the brown folks in a box car and ship them to Tijuana, which is precisely what has the wingnuts in a tizzy). But that speech...lawd! It appealed to the lowest common denominator, and lifted up greed and power as an American ideal. I'll happily put that up against Obama in the November because I think that we are better than that.

At least that's my hope.

I'm Done

2007-12-03T21:15:00.001-05:00

I smell, I have not shaved in several days, and I've gained approximately five pounds from the junk I've been eating for two weeks, but finals are finally finished. Assuming I pass everything, I am officially 1/2 a lawyer. And now I'm retiring for the evening with a few cocktails and a "Designing Women" marathon on TV Land. Damn, I'm old!

Damn, I Hate White People.

2007-12-01T09:32:00.000-05:00

There's really nothing like finals to get me writing about anything and everything but the law. And no, I don't really hate white people...most of the time. It's just that lately it seems every day I encounter an incident of such monumental asshattery that it makes me want to resign. I would too, if only I could figure out to whom I should give my letter. The British Empire? Strom Thurmond's ghost? Bob Saget? The mind boggles.

So I took a break this evening from the copyrighting of crop circles to go indulge in some tortilla-wrapped deliciousness at Qdoba. With extra guac because I am so far beyond giving a damn that I now outweigh not giving a damn by a good five pounds. The line is long, and I'm passing the time by trying to ignore the deeply dull but entirely normal conversation of the two twenty-something frat guy stereotypes (and face it, I ought to know from stereotypes). I place my order with the really friendly counter guy, who happens to be African American. The boys behind me stop their normal conversation, and apparently at the point of stepping up to order, one of them had his body possessed by Eminem because he proceeded to turn to the counter guy and practically yell, "'sup!" in a manner that convinced me his sidekick was going to start beatboxing. True, boys of all races use that term in greeting. Hip-hop culture is the predominate youth culture. These weren't those kids. This tool changed his accent to greet the black guy, and seemed to think it made him quite cool, like they were having a moment relating to one another right there at the Qdoba. I almost apologized to Nice Counter Guy on behalf of white folks with half a brain.

To his credit, Nice Counter Guy greeted them back with only the most subtle hint of sarcasm in his voice that suggested he was thinking, "You are such a douche that if you were on American Idol, the audience would keep Vanilla Ice and send your ass home." Seriously, white guys who are kind of tool-ish, why do you do that? Why, when you encounter a black man, do you suddenly start acting like an American tourist in France who is trying to get the waiter to practice the phrases they got from the Fast French cassette tape on the plane over? They can understand you just fine the way you normally talk, and don't need for you to show them how down you are. Because in case you didn't know, you're not. Asshole.

I swear, every day I'm more amazed that there hasn't been a gory bloody revolution in this country with people out there acting a fool.

On the Runway

2007-11-29T09:30:00.000-05:00

I just have one thing to say about last night's challenge on The Greatest Show on Television, "Project Runway."

Who the hell let Gordon Gartrelle on the show?!

Denise Huxtable, you may have finally found your calling.

Today's foolish joke courtesy of Trading Faces spouse Craiggers, who will only sit through Project Runway on the promise that there will be male models featured in their underwear.

The Cheese

2007-11-18T10:40:00.001-05:00

So I've been trying to get inspired again to write. My writing has always been cyclical anyway, and law school seems to have sucked out whatever regular creativity I once had. But since it is finals time again, and since I'm working to avoid thinking about finals, I thought The Cheese might be a good way to get me started again.

The theme of today's Cheese is dance singers who can't dance. There's no rhythm nation here, y'all. Bless their hearts, if it weren't for the shawls, wind machines, backup dancers, distracting gold hot pants and quick cut editing, you'd see this gals for the flat-footed disco-challenged divas they really are. Thankfully, if we squint really hard, we can pretend their steps live up to the songs. Your mama can't dance, and neither can...

Stevie Nicks

Kylie Minogue

My adopted daughter, Whitney Houston

The woman, the legend, Cher

In fairness, she's not so bad, she should just NEVER dance next to Tina Turner.

Franklin Says Eff You

2007-06-17T17:20:00.000-04:00

While waiting for Westlaw to come back online so I can do my much-delayed law review project (I’d go to LexisNexis, but our Westlaw rep is a temptress with those prize points she offers…damn you, you tanorexic siren offering up your cappuccino machines in exchange for my legal research loyalty!), my kitty Franklin wandered into my office. As usual, he got up on his hind legs and tapped me three times with his paw, indicating that I should stop whatever I’m doing and scratch him immediately. I turned to him, and to my surprise, he hopped up on my lap. He never does that. I was soon disappointed to learn that this was not a father’s day show of affection. He proceeded to hop from my lap to the desktop, using my testicles as a springboard, and started typing. Apparently he is pissed off about all of my law school friends who are adopting dogs and posting their puppy pictures on Facebook. Franklin is generally pissed about Facebook anyway, but this dog trend really has him riled up, and he's determined to convince my friend Ms. Watson to change her adoption plans. The following is what he had to say, typed at 75 w.p.m. with full ALWD-format citations (which I deleted because no one actually uses ALWD…I won’t have people thinking my pet doesn’t know how to properly cite legal authority). I apologize in advance for his potty mouth.

“I have something to say to all of you people on this Interweb thing with your puppy fever. Eff you!

Why you people think puppies are so damned special is beyond me. I don’t understand why people with a lot of dogs are animal lovers, but a nice cat lady gets called crazy by her condo board as they screw her over. The fact is, puppies have no dignity. They piss in the floor and don’t even have the decency to cover it up. They beg for leftover food instead of demanding their own plate. They come to you when called, like they’re Naomi Campbell’s assistant trying to avoid a beatdown. That’s pathetic.

I am over each and every one of you. Not that I wasn’t over you already, mind you, but all this puppy talk is the last straw. Ms. Watson, my person says you are reasonable, so I will assume you are despite his frequent bad judgment. Here are five reasons for you to consider as to why cats are far superior to dogs.

1. You won’t get a sunburn because we will never ask to be walked in the park. Granted, that means won’t get you laid with some other dog walker, but having seen people sex, I think it is safe to say that everyone involved is happier sitting quietly on the couch watching television and drinking alone.

2. Cats will not chew up your shoe collection. This is because all cats are gay, and gays have inherent respect for shoes. We will poop in your Crocs, but you and I both know you have that coming.

3. A common cat complaint is that we have a tendency to rub against you, covering you in our fur when you are dressed up and about to leave the house. Please understand, we don’t do this to be annoying. We do it because what you’re wearing is terrible. It is for your own good. Change your outfit…you’ll thank us for it when the rest of your office isn’t calling you a dirty road whore behind your back.

4. Yes, we are aloof. Dogs are indeed friendlier than cats. You know who else is friendly? George W. Bush. He is also dumber than a tube sock full of marbles. Friendly is highly overrated.

5. You are a lazy s.o.b. We respect that. I personally spend 23.25 hours per day sleeping, and I’m proud of it. You want to sleep in? Fine by me. I won’t judge you, and what’s more, I won’t wake you up yapping to be fed or let out of the house. In fact, I won’t ever even ask to be let out of the house. Outside is dirty, hot, and frankly only fit for a dog.

Ms. Watson, clearly you should get a cat instead of joining all of these pod people with their cutesy profile pictures starring a smelly pathetic canine. Cats rule. That is all. And now if you will excuse me, it is time for my nap. Besides, my person tends to get all twitchy if he’s away from his computer gossip and pornography for more than a few minutes, and he is already getting on my last good nerve.

Most sincerely,

Roosevelt Franklin"

They tried to make me go to rehab

2007-05-29T17:31:00.001-04:00

Lindsay Lohan's lawyer took her to check into Promises spa, I mean "rehabilitation" facility after her arrest for DUI on Saturday. That's the same place where Brit Brit stayed after shaving her head, so I'm sure this will totally be successful. All I'm saying is that if I'm going $80,000 into law school debt to spend my career taking spoiled panty-free rich girls to fake rehab, I'm quitting now while I'm ahead. Who needs an education for that? I could probably just say "subject matter jurisdiction" around those girls every few sentences, and they would just assume I'm a lawyer anyway.

I'm waiting for the inevitable day trips out to Fred Segal and The Ivy during Lohan's "recovery." I saw that the last time she was in rehab, and I wondered whatever happened to the good old days when your oil baron spouse could take you to rehab where they lock your crazy ass up until you resort to selling your pearls to a creepy orderly for a mouthwash bottle full of bathtub gin? At this rate, Lindsay is never going to get to see Southfork again.

C-U-Next-Tuesday

2007-05-24T21:21:00.000-04:00

I adore Rosie O'Donnell. Even in her abrasiveness, I think she is a good-hearted person who feels passionately about so many of the issues I care about. I also think Elizabeth Hasselbeck is a moron. I could respect her views while disagreeing with them if she wasn't so vapid, spewing whatever talking points she heard on conservative radio that morning rather than contributing an idea of her own. That said, they both have some boundary issues, and someone needs to fill those mugs up with a big old glass of shut the hell up.

Their latest dust-up is all over the blogs, and it is a doozy. If I were Baba Wawa, I would suspend both of them for acting so unprofessional, AND I would make them polish all my diamond shoes, clean the marble lap pool in my bathroom, and rub my bunions every night for a month because I'm Baba Wawa, dammit! Their behavior wasn't surprising, though. Neither was the response on the gay blogs. As soon as a female conservative with a rather nasty point of view surfaces in the gay media, commenters on the blogs pull out the "C" word. And I for one am sick of that view.

Seriously, this is not acceptable, people. The "C" word is the sexist version of Faggot (and yes, I use that one...I got called it from the time I was six, it took me 20 years to fight back against it, and by golly I own that word!). If we really want people to take us seriously when we bitch about bigotry, we have to look at ourselves first. After all, so many gay folks are progressive, and so many others are some of the biggest bigots you will ever meet.

A couple of weeks ago, I was getting my wig split at the same Fantastic Sam's I always go to (because I'm cheap and I don't have much hair). Instead of the hot Middle Eastern man I like, they gave me to this tanorexic over-processed blond queen who had effed up my stuff the last time I was there. I decided to give him another chance. So we're chatting, and I'm telling him about how I quit my job and went back to school because you know I don't shut up about all that. He tells me his dream was to quit doing hair and become a vet tech because animal welfare is so important to him, especially dogs. I asked him if he had heard the awful story about the NFL player busted with 75 dogs he'd been training to fight, all of which were horribly abused. He leaned forward all conspiratorily and whispered, "Was he black?"

Set aside the fact of what the hell difference does that make. Why would he think I would approve of that comment? That's the thing with racists...they think that all white folks are part of their "club." The gay white racists are the worst about that "club" business, as though being in such an exclusive group, one that gets dumped on as well, gives us the right to exclude others in the same manner. I'm not proud of the fact that I didn't go off on him, though in my defense, my hair was half cut and he had a pair of scissors around my head. I suppose my face said it all because he changed the subject immediately.

I left that salon wondering what I should have said. I hate for someone to lose a job, but he knew what he was doing was racist, otherwise he wouldn't have leaned in and whispered it to me. It weighed on me for a couple of weeks before I finally wrote in to their corporate headquarters and reported him. It's a tough economy, and business people need to realize that racism is not acceptable. Plus this bitch made the same mistake as last time, resulting in another month of an Opie Taylor cowlick on the side of my damn head, so you know he needs to go!

My point here, and I do have one, is that gay folks often shoot themselves in the foot, demanding equality one minute, and dividing up along racial, gender, and class lines the next to exclude others. Getting called a faggot as a kid and not having equal rights as an adult does not give me the right to call a woman the "C" word, no matter how rancid Hasselbeck is. Go after her because she is dumber than a box of hammers. Say that eating bugs on "Survivor" does not qualify her to be spokesmodel for the Republican Party (and it isn't like their standards are all that high these days!). Just don't start throwing around words that reduce a woman to her genitals, the implication of which has always been that her genitals are all she is worth. It is sexist, it is beneath us, and frankly, we're supposed to be a bit more creative than all that.

Diabeetis

2007-05-18T00:09:00.000-04:00

Franklin has been taking an odd interest in my mail lately. I didn't think much of it until this afternoon.

When the mailman came today, Franklin let me know that I could be saving a lot by getting all my testing supplies from Liberty Medical, and that they would even bill Medicare for me.

I tried to explain to him that I'm not diabetic, but he just waddled away mumbling about Quaker Oatmeal and Shannon Doherty.

How Cheap Are You?

2007-05-02T13:54:00.000-04:00

During finals, most law students don't have time for much of anything but law school. To relax at law finals time, my pal Cooper dates hot boys and touches himself. I go to Target. Also, since most of us in law school are going to be Sally Mae's bitches for quite a few years, we don't have a lot of cash to spare. Needless to say, when I see the dented and dinged clearance items on the endcaps at Target, I get quite excited and load up my cart.

That said, even I have a limit to my cheapness. Some things should probably be purchased when they're in prime condition.

I'm fairly certain there is some sort of tort duty you take on when you buy clearance condoms. You'd think my torts professor would have warned us about that. I just hope it isn't on my torts exam (the last of my five grueling final exams!!!) Friday.

I should note that I do load up on things I use regularly. Just last week, I bought a gigantic package of paper towels and several sticks of antiperspirant. But let's face it...no one in law school is having enough sex to justify buying prophylactics in bulk, no matter how good the deal. We don't have the time, and we tend to make adverse possession jokes in bed. Law school may be the perfect form of safe sex...the Radical Right should require teaching 1st year law classes in grade school.

You've got to know how this hurts.

2007-05-02T13:52:00.000-04:00

Star Jones, you look...nice.

I'm glad you finally let your gay husband pick out your clothes.

Oh come on, you didn't really think I was going to not say it, did you?

Postcard From the Edge

2007-04-14T21:22:00.000-04:00

Having a horrible time...wish you were here!

Greetings friends,

Well, it seems that the world is going to hell in a handbasket all around us. Don Imus is a bigot who finally got called out on it. The Middle East is blowing up. There's only one person left in America who doesn't think Global Warming is real, and unfortunately he is some yokel in the White House. Danilynn finally has a daddy. And I couldn't care less.

That's right y'all, it is final exam time again! I start the fun on April 25 at 9am, and continue through Oaks Day. For non-Louisvillians, that is the racing day at Churchill Downs the day before Derby...this time of year, we measure everything by Derby. But there will be no Derby fun for the law students of Louisville. No, we only get contracts and civil procedure and property and criminal law and torts (oh my!). I'll have a three-hour written exam every other weekday for a week and a half, each of which is my entire grade in the class. Whose damn idea was this law school business anyway?!

So, excited as I am that Anna Nicole's baby is a fellow Louisvillian by way of the baby daddy, I need to get back to work. I hope to either get some inspiration this summer after I've taken most of this semester off. In the meantime, I leave you with some of what is playing on the background of my beloved computer, Ms. Maybelline Macbook.

If you haven't heard this, I'm thinking perhaps you should get out more. It was recommended by Trading Faces reader Denise, and the entire album has been on near constant play here for a month.
Amy Winehouse, "Rehab" (live at the Brit Awards)

Erasure used to be one of my favorites, but they haven't put out anything really compelling in years, at least not until this month. This is the lead single off their upcoming album, and one of the sweetest love songs I've heard in ages.
Erasure, "I Could Fall In Love With You"

Finally, here is an old favorite dance artist who has put out a stomping remake of an old Pointer Sisters hit. And the bonus is a TOTALLY SEXY video (Ces, for your own good, please don't click play!).
Ultra Nate', "Automatic"

Oh, and we would like you to know that new Trading Faces kitty is settling in nicely.

However, he still can't be bothered with you.

The Break-Up

2007-04-06T09:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Andy,

I think the time has come to face facts that our relationship isn't working. While my love for you runs deep, not even all the Gloria Vanderbilt jeans I could ever wear are enough to put up with your internalized homophobia any longer. Your reaction, or lack thereof, at being named the 2nd most powerful gay in the U.S. by Out Magazine perplexes me. I mean, I was thrilled at just being a powerful gay by proxy of being your secret boyfriend!

Instead of taking me out to celebrate, you got on that damn cell phone with Jodie Foster, knowing that she and I aren't speaking since I made that innocent comment about her walking like a trucker in her Oscars gown last month. While I was trying to get us reservations at Nobu, the two of you were whining about how could they do that to you when you aren't even out. I have news for the two of you: Out is right. You and Jodie live totally in the open without actually saying the word gay. You are out, and it is legitimate to say it in the press. In a world where we report that Jake Gyllenhal and Reese Witherspoon are secretly dating just because they're seen out at dinner together, but don't report on Jodie's partner when they're out on the beach with their kids holding hands, the message is still that there is something wrong with being gay. How is one of those things legitimate celebrity news and one isn't? I simply don't get how it is acceptable to make inferences into the life of someone based on dinner, but it isn't acceptable to comment on the completely obvious, unless of course you really believe that the obvious thing is shameful.

Andy, you say you won't talk about your private life, but then you go and ask poor Kenny Chesney about his orientation in an interview. You know about Kenny...we were on the same lane as him in the Rainbow Bowling League last week! And if you don't talk about your private life, why were you hawking a book about your grief over your brother's suicide? That seems far more personal than who you date. Sweetie, you are more than a bit of a hypocrite, and the argument that you'd be viewed as less credible with your personal life known is ridiculous. I know more about Katie Couric's personal life than I ever wanted to know. I've seen that woman's damn colon, and she got made a network anchor!

I love your gray gardens, but I can't live with the shame any longer. Let's try to remain friends, okay?

Christopher

(cue music)

Vacation, all I ever wanted

2007-03-26T00:43:00.000-04:00

Continuing in my new tradition of no longer acting my age, I went to Florida for spring break a couple of weeks ago. Granted, I spent the time with people FAR older than me, but still I felt a little silly telling normal people (i.e. non-law school people) my plans for fear they'd look for me to be showing my tail on MTV Spring Break like a fool.

It was good times, having a wee reunion with my group of friends who all used to live in Lexington. Two of them live in Ft. La-Ti-Dah now and helped host us all, so between free housing and a ticket that was sponsored, it was in the student budget. So what does one do on spring break in Florida when one is no longer a traditional college student? As it turns out, pretty much the same thing as always.

1. Breasts were fondled inappropriately.

2. Many drinks and some extra-special cookies were consumed.

3. The death site of a dead celebrity golddigger was visited.

4. Greasy food was consumed to combat the hangover.

5. Hooves got cloved.

6. More drinks were consumed, resulting in the inevitable tanline competition.

We also have a new addition to the Trading Faces household. I'm pleased to introduce everyone to Franklin, our newest snarky resident. Franklin, please give everyone a disdainful look.

Clearly Franklin is not in the mood to deal with you.

I realize I have been AWOL from the blog as of late. Law school really has drained me of what little funny I had. I will likely keep on this rare publishing schedule until the end of the semester (around Derby time). Please do stop back every now and again, and thanks to everyone for all the messages!

Big Gay Al is not going to like this

2007-03-08T21:10:00.000-05:00

Oh Star. Guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses. Especially gay guys. Most especially gay guys you marry. I'm just saying.

Good news, Christopher is on spring break! Hooray! And believe me, I have some things to say. I'll be saying them just as soon as I finally sober up!

Christopher's Oscars Wrap-up

2007-02-26T18:16:00.000-05:00

For those of you who are checking in for my annual Oscars Report (or as I like to think of it, my bitchslap to Hollywood even though they never seem to notice), for the first time in probably 7 years, it is cancelled. Why, you may ask? Because after this hotness walked the red carpets, I hung up my laptop. I am THROUGH, y'all. Nothing will ever be better dressed than Miss Sally Kirkland. EVER.

Oh yeah, and school is also killing me, and I have my appellate brief due in a week, so I didn't sit watching all the red carpet fun. Sorry to disappoint. Please tune in next year when I'll have lots of hateful awful comments that are going to put me on a one-way trip to Hell.

The Weekly Cheese: Bad Movie, Great Soundtrack

2007-02-17T11:40:00.000-05:00

Back in 1987, Jon Cryer made his attempt to break out from the goofy lovable sidekick role into leading man status with his film "Hiding Out." Yeah, didn't work out so well, but he's a sitcom star now and his role as Duckie Dale will keep him in our hearts forever, so don't feel too bad for him. Anyway, the soundtrack to this horrendous movie is fantastic! And by fantastic, we mean cheesy. Enjoy some clips generated by this crap 80s movie for this week's cheese.

Pretty Poison, "Catch Me I'm Falling"

Boy George, "Live My Life"

Roy Orbison & k.d. lang, "Crying"

PiL, "Seattle"

Hue & Cry, "I Refuse"

Vulcan Death Grip Ruled Violation of the Geneva Convention

2007-02-17T11:38:00.000-05:00

Now how is Condi going to keep the press corps in line?!

Wheat Puff 1969-2007

2007-02-13T19:48:00.000-05:00

Sean Puffy Puff Daddy P. Diddy Diddy Wheat Puff Combs' prolific career of changing the words to other peoples' songs and designing clothes that end up on the racks at TJ Maxx came to an end this week after an altercation involving three bottles of Cristal and supermodel Naomi Campbell.

From The New York Daily News:
Diddy angrily confronted Naomi Campbell at Jermaine Dupri's Grammy after-party, according to a witness.

The late-night bash took place after Clive Davis' annual party. "[Diddy] just started screaming at her when he saw her," says the spy. "No one could believe it. He was screaming obscenities at her, and also screaming at Terrence Howard, who was with her."

Campbell, however, brushed it off. "Naomi played it totally cool," says the party guest.

Police had to use dental records to identify the record "producer" as his face had the logo "Motorola" etched into it repeatedly, rendering him unrecognizable. No arrests have been made as of yet.

The Great Hollywood Hoax: Another Crackpot Theory

2007-02-07T17:49:00.000-05:00

Dakota Fanning freaks me the hell out, and I have never been able to figure out exactly why. I wanted to say it is because she talks like a 40-year-old librarian. Not that this is a bad thing...I'm always happy to hear that the kids are reading instead of doing drive-bys and having BJ parties, or whatever it is the young folks do nowadays. There's just something about her speech patterns and syntax that sounds scripted. For example, this quote about Tom Cruise:

"My mom and dad really don't approve of mobile phones and they really didn't want me to have one. But then on my birthday this parcel arrived from Tom and it was a phone. In the end they let me keep it."

Ummm...you're not even a teen yet, and you're tossing around the word "parcel" like you're Gwenyth Paltrow trying to renounce your citizenship. "Did you pick up the post, dear?" "Yes Mum, and guess what? You got a parcel!" WTF?! But I have her number now. Today it struck me exactly what is wrong with this little chickadee.

She's a robot.

Scoff it you must, but this is what happens when you give Tom Cruise a whole bunch of money...he's gone and perfected Vicki from beloved 80s robot sitcom "Small Wonder." Dakota was, no doubt, the prototype for Suri Cruise. And what if he's built a whole army of little robots with big vocabularies, all plotting to convert us to Scientology? Now, excuse me while I put in a call to "The Weekly World News." We're going to blow this scandal wide open, I tell you!

Now THAT makes me sad!

2007-02-06T21:34:00.000-05:00

I'd like to write something passionate and eloquent about some things that happened this afternoon, but in all honesty, I'm just too much of an angry-sad-disappointed blend at the moment. So, I'll just tell you about it instead.

As I mentioned a while back, a group of us at my law school are engaged in organizing opposition to the military recruiters at our school. We are opposed to them being able to come in and use our resources only to say some qualified students need not apply thanks to Don't Ask Don't Tell. Anyway, our Student Bar Association president stopped by at lunch to see my pal Becca and I to let us know the petitions she had hung for us on the mail room door had been ripped down...twice. She was fairly angry, as were we. Becca re-hung the petition prior to our afternoon class. That petition was gone by 4pm.

While I am amazed that in this day and age people still think it is okay to not hire qualified gay folks, I accept that not everyone shares my opinions. I can't accept this kind of blatant act of hate in our school. I see a lot of things up and about with which I disagree, but I can't comprehend the hatred it takes to destroy their postings, particularly in an academic environment where we're supposed to be learning how to uphold the law. Perhaps I spend too much time with like-minded people to the point that I've forgotten just how hateful the world can be. I was tormented in high school. I got death threats at UK as their first out gay newspaper editor. Honesty seems to have a price for some of us, and at some point you try to isolate yourself for comfort.

Isolation is not an option any longer. To the coward who is so afraid of those of us who won't be silent, please know that the petitions are going back up. They will keep going back up. We aren't going away any time soon. Learn to live with us, because you're the ones who are a dying breed, not us.

The Weekly Cheese

2007-02-02T16:27:00.000-05:00

February 2, 2007...happy 227 y'all!

And I mean no place, child!

I've complained about this before, but it bears repeating...where the hell are the major networks with shows featuring families of color?! Why are they all relegated to the ghetto channels like the CW with no budget, bad writers, and no chance of gaining a mainstream audience? It isn't as though history hasn't shown that if the show is good, America will watch no matter what color the stars are. Doesn't anyone remember "The Cosby Show"? How about two of my favorites as a kid, "The Jeffersons" and "Good Times"? People watched that stuff because it was FUNNY. Of course, the white folks aren't funny on most network television any more, so I don't know why I'd expect any better from others. Still, it is only a few years before people of my hue are less than 50% of the population of this country, so those networks had better hop on it if they expect to make any money. I hear Jackee and Marla Gibbs are available.

State of the Union

2007-01-23T23:52:00.000-05:00

Special Trading Faces political correspondent Truman reacts to the President's State of the Union Address.

Mr. President, every time you make a speech full of half-baked ideas, conciliation mixed with confrontation, and downright lies, God gives a headache to a kitty. Please, Mr. President, think of the kitties.

Joan Collins gets served!

2007-01-22T17:09:00.000-05:00

Oh lawd, did Mrs. Garrett not learn anything from the East Coast/West Coast rap rivalry? I guess not because she's looking to be the next Tupac! This fabulous video shows her giving an interview on the red carpet of Joan's new show "Legends," and she starts dropping the "B" bombs! I love a dirty-mouthed old lady!

So, what is more shocking? That Charlotte Rae is so mean, that Joan Collins is shocked that someone called her a bitch, or that either of these old broads still get invited places? I'm sure Blair is going to pray for Mrs. Garrett!

This link blatently lifted from the evil queens over at D-Listed.

Mortal Mix Tape

2007-01-19T12:13:00.000-05:00

I've often wished my life had its own personal soundtrack. I mean, it sort of does inside my head...just last week, Beyonce' was driving me insane by living inside my head and singing "To the left, to the left" at exceedingly inappropriate times. But I'm talking about the sort of soundtrack that plays out loud over events like in a movie. I want to be Molly Ringwald getting dressed for school to the sounds of the Psychadelic Furs telling me I'm pretty in pink. Actually, I just want to be Molly Ringwald, but that is another story entirely. Anyway, since you know how I like lists, here is the soundtrack to Christopher's life.

Opening credits: “Filthy Gorgeous” by Scissor Sisters
Waking up: “Coffee In Bed” by Squeeze
Average day: “Make Your Own Kind of Music” by Cass Elliott
First date: “No Scrubs” by TLC
Falling in love: “Fall At Your Feet” by Crowded House
Love scene: “Slave to Love” by Bryan Ferry
Fight scene: “Love To Hate You” by Erasure
Breaking up: "Untouchable Face” by Ani Difranco
Getting back together: “One” by Mary J. Blige & U2
Secret love: “Breakfast in Bed” by Dusty Springfield
Life's okay: “Holiday” by Madonna
Mental breakdown: “Add It Up” by Violent Femmes
Driving: “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” by Kylie Minogue
Learning a lesson: “Proud” by Heather Small
Deep thought: “Prince of Darkness” by Indigo Girls
Flashback: “Dancing Queen” by ABBA
Partying: “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” by Dead or Alive
Happy dance: “Venus” by Bananarama
Regreting: “If I Could Turn Back Time” by Cher
Long night alone:"Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me” by The Smiths
Death scene: “Being Boring” by Pet Shop Boys
Closing credits: “Last Dance” by Donna Summer

Rousing Rabbles

2007-01-17T21:59:00.000-05:00

It only took one semester for me to get back to being a student activist! Next month, our school starts on-campus interviews with various employers. All accredited law schools have an anti-discrimination policy that those employers must abide by. That meant law schools didn't allow JAG, the legal arm of the military, to recruit on-campus. Then Congress forced us all to allow it under threat of losing the entire university's funding, including funding at the medical school where important research is happening. We have to allow them, but it doesn't mean we have to be quiet about it. A group of us are organizing the students for several events, the first of which is a letter signed by the student body condemning JAG's presence at our school, and asking that the Dean make a public statement that the only reason JAG is allowed to violate our discrimination policy is that Congress put us under duress to do so. I'm trying to get my classmates to sign it, so here's a note I sent them. Hope you tolerate this break from my normal celebrity foolishness.

So, your favorite rabble-rousers, me, Ms. O'Neill, Mr. Coffman, and Ms. Smalls, are circulating a letter asking that you join us in condemning the visit of military recruiters to our school. I want to make it clear that I am not against the military. My step-dad is a veteran. My great-uncle Webb was signed to play basketball for Adolph Rupp, but volunteered to go to Korea instead where he lost an arm. I continue to be in awe of the strength of character it took for them to serve the country in the face of danger. Because of that, I believe it is important to give you my three reasons why I hope you will sign our letter opposing JAG recruiters forcing their way onto campus in violation of our anti-discrimination policy.

1. The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy is discriminatory for no reason, and is bad for our national security. Even its most staunch defenders like former Secretary of State Gen. Colin Powell, former Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. John Shalikashvili, and former Secretary of Defense William Cohen are coming around to the fact that there is no good reason to stop perfectly able Americans from serving their country. For those who fear difficulty in integrating LGBT troops, they could look to two of the best armies in the world, Great Britain and Israel, to see how all fit citizens can serve together peacefully without any damage to troop morale. I’d rather look to our own military, perhaps the greatest model of integration in American history. When the president ordered the military racially integrated, people feared the reaction of our troops, not understanding that when the commander-in-chief makes an order, it is absolute. The result is the most powerful military perhaps in world history. Integration worked once with much more baggage, and it can work again.

What’s perhaps worse for the US in the short-term is that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is posing serious risks to our military readiness. Since 1994, 55 translators of Arabic languages have been expelled under the policy despite the 9/11 Commission noting our extreme need for those translators to decipher intercepted terrorist intelligence. More than 11,000 soldiers have been dismissed since the inception of the policy at a cost of around $360 million to taxpayers.

The bottom line is, according to our military leaders, congressional reports, the 9/11 commission, and countless soldiers whose lives have been destroyed by discrimination, there is neither a rational nor a moral basis for retaining Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. The only thing keeping it in place is pure bigotry.

2. So, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is bad for the U.S., but what does that have to do with military recruiters at our law school? We have an anti-discrimination policy that includes sexual orientation. We demand that all employers interviewing on-campus sign a statement that they will abide by our policy. The military, however, is exempt. Congress threatens funding for the entire university if we do not violate our own anti-discrimination policy. The effect of this is that JAG gets to push their way in against the school’s own rules, use our resources, and then say that regardless of our excellent performance, I and others will not be hired by them.

Very reasonable people who are against Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will tell you that JAG recruiters should still be allowed in order to maintain our military and to dismantle the discriminatory policy from the inside-out. With all due respect to them, this would never be a question if it were women being excluded from hiring, or Muslims, or any other suspect minority, as it should not be. We all pay the same tuition, but some of us are not afforded equal opportunity. Students need to stand up and send a message to our leaders by saying that this behavior is not acceptable to us. The administration needs to do so as well. Perhaps the leaders of JAG will finally pass along the message to the Pentagon that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is jeopardizing their efforts to be effective agents of the law just as it is jeopardizing efforts to protect our country.

3. I want to make this a bit more personal now. It was never my intention to get involved in gay activist work during my law school career. I’ve done identity politics, and I was hoping to be known as more than just That Gay Guy. Ms. O’Neill’s effort in protest of an issue that doesn’t even affect her, though, has moved me to action too. The main reason for that is, as a JAG officer, one of your responsibilities would be to prosecute gay service members. If you are in JAG, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is more than a nebulous policy, it is your policy to uphold. I don’t seriously believe that most of my classmates would want to prosecute me simply because I share my life with a male partner of six years. That soldier could be me, or any number of our classmates, friends, or relatives.

So long as they continue to be a part of the military’s discriminatory practices, JAG does not belong on our campus.

Image snatched from the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network.

The Golden Globes

2007-01-16T00:10:00.000-05:00

Lately my inner voice has been uncharacteristically silent. Why I cannot say, but I can tell you this for certain: there’s nothing like Rule 9 of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to make me say, “Gee whiz, I sure do feel like blabbing about celebrities tonight.” Funny how that seems to co-ordinate with the most drunken show in Hollywood outside of Britney Spears’ New Year’s party, The Golden Globes.

So without further ado, here is the pre-show and show commentary. May God forgive me for being a terribly evil man.

6:37pm
The E! show started earlier, but none of the real stars show up this early, and I am not in the mood to see Ryan Peecrust vamp for 30 minutes. Anyway, here we are, and I have to tell you first off, do you know why I like Sheryl Crow? When life gives her a lemon, she wears it. Lance Armstrong dumps her and takes back the ring, and my girl goes and wears one of the bridesmaid dresses to the Globes. You go girl!

6:40pm
It’s a good thing Vanessa Williams isn’t a big star because it means no one is going to have to sit behind her Latina drag queen wig. Vanessa darlin', that hair isn't appropriate unless your name is Chi-Chi and you're lipsyncing Gloria Estefan songs for dollar bills.

6:45pm
You’d think Tina Fey wouldn’t get so dressed up for a PTA meeting.

6:48pm
Penelope Cruz has a fantastic dress, but that hair is proof of why dating a homo isn’t always a bad thing for a woman. You look at that hair and think, Doolittle Lynn is back in Butcher Holllow taking care of those babies while she’s out on tour with Patsy Cline.

6:58pm
If you’re a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, you shouldn’t frame your girls with a bunch of beads to emphasize them. I’m talking to you, Eva Longoria.

7:01pm
I am glad Marc Anthony’s aversion to daylight didn’t stop his wife from showing off her mami’s serape.

7:06pm
I was so excited about Elaine Boosler making a comeback, that is until I discovered that it was really Kyra Sedgwick. My disappointment was tempered, though, by how very proud Isiah Washington made me by not calling Ryan Seacrest a fag.

7:13pm
Does the fact that Puffy Puff Daddy P. Diddy Diddy Wheat Puff is dressed like a busted version of Hugh Heffner finally convince everyone that he is not a fashion icon?

7:18pm
With all of these actresses in white in January, I can’t help but wonder where is Serial Mom when you need her?

7:20pm
The blonde gal from “Grey’s Anatomy” is a-ma-zing! Dress, jewels, hair…perfection! Oh, her escort is the gay guy from “Grey’s.” That explains a lot.

7:22pm
Ever since Felicity Huffman played a trannie, she’s been drama on the red carpet. I highly recommend it for other actresses.

7:30pm
Cate Blanchett seems to be on the Edge of Seventeen. She sees your Gypsy, and asks that you Stand Back.

7:36pm
Poor Jeremy Piven. He thought he’d get to talk on camera if he came early, then Brad and Angelina defied normal red carpet rules by showing up early, and the Piv got cut off mid-sentence. Damn you and your rebel lifestyle, Brangelina, and your false eyelashes of power!

7:40pm
What the hell kind of Proud Mary drag queen pageant bullshit has Tina Knowles made her daughter wear to the Golden Globes?! And why does she look like she’s been buttered? Nobody is that damn ashy!

7:43pm
Every time I see Zellweger, I want to smack her with a rolled-up newspaper and ask, “What have you done? Bad girl! What have you done to your face?!”

7:59pm
I can’t believe Ryan Semencrest almost made it through his entire broadcast without denying that he’s a big ‘mo. Granted, when he does finally deny it, all I can think is that he needs to have a big glass of Shut the Fuck Up, but still, two hours is a lot of restraint.

It’s showtime! Also, I've lost the ability to tell time at this point!

They get right on it this year with the awards, and I’m so happy for Jennifer Hudson, the true star of the only movie I’ve seen twice at the theater in years! I hate her dress, but someone hooked her up with a good lacefront, so good for her. Of course, when Miss Ross hears that comment she made about Florence Ballard, she’s going to snatch it right off J-Hud’s head. And look, Beyonce’ is crying! Either she knows she is about to lose Best Song to Prince or Jigga poked her in the eyes.
Given how Jeremy Irons is dressed and how he looks tonight, I’m terribly afraid there is a problem with scurvy in Hollywood.
Edie Falco just proved that there is in fact an outbreak of scurvy in Hollywood. Get those stars a sack of oranges, stat!
Third cocktail of the night, and I’m already a little bored.
That old lady beat Beyonce’ for Best Actress? WTF?! What kind of old farts vote for these awards anyway?
During the commercial break, Prince put his hand on the camera to hide himself after not showing up to accept the award he won. Here’s an idea: if you don’t want to be on camera, you might not want to show up at an awards show, Stretch. Oh, also, if you’re trying to be anonymous, you might want to reconsider that bedazzled mustard yellow Nehru jacket.
Overheard at the Globes: Robert Duvall says to his publicist, “Did I just get beaten by Bill Nye the Science Guy? Seriously? You are so effin fired.”
Sienna Miller was previously known as that girl Jude Law cheated on. Now she’s just that greasy British chick. Nice lateral move, Sienna.
Cameron Diaz looks like her dress was made by a gay mummy who lost in the first round of Project Runway. If I were Justin Timberlake, I'd dump her twice just for good measure.
I love that they always give a brief shout-out to the Ernst and Young accountants on these shows, and I wonder who exactly I have to sleep with to get my accountant pal Amy on the Globes to count those votes.
I’m not drunk. Jamie Foxx, now he’s drunk.
Jamie Foxx isn’t drunk. Sharon Stone, now she’s DRUNK!
I don’t even care what anyone else says, I think Clint Eastwood looks hot dressed as a Solid Gold Dancer.
This may be the first time Drew Barrymore has looked like a woman instead of a perpetual girl. It suits her. Yes, I'm not making a snarky remark, I really think she looks pretty. Damn, I must be really cocktailed now!
I’m seriously crying for America Ferrera. Everyone is crying for her because it is so lovely to see someone who is genuinely grateful for their award. You know when Will Smith’s dykey wife is crying, you’ve said some stuff to move folks. On a nicer note, it is wonderful to see a normal, healthy, beautiful woman win. In fact, the best dressed ladies tonight were all normal-shaped women, which perhaps will inspire the Olsens to eat a damn cookie.

So, that’s the Golden Globes this year. If you want my commentary on the Oscars in 2007, you might suggest that my professors assign something really dull that night as well. We’ll wrap things up with the best and worst dressed.

Best-dressed: Eddie Murphy in an all-black Dolce & Gabbana tuxedo and Felicity Huffman in an emerald dream of a gown.

Worst-dressed: Jeremy Irons in his Ass-Pirates of the Caribbean ensemble and Cameron Diaz looking like a very fluffy tampon.

The Weekly Cheese: Cover Version Edition

2007-01-09T19:45:00.000-05:00

There's a long-standing practice in pop music where pop tarts of varying talent re-record big hits in a bid to boost their own profile. This especially seems to be true for singers who do not write their own material, and who are faced with a shortage of hits to record. The assumption, of course, is that if it was a hit once, throw on a few synth riffs and it will be a hit again. Often they are right, but the results can be tragic as we'll see in this edition of The Weekly Cheese.

Bananarama & Lananeeneenoonoo, "Help!"

Brit comedy team French & Saunders used their act to parody Bananarama (then the biggest music group in the UK) and their cheesy dance routines, shirtless male dancers, and studio produced vocals. They called themselves Lananeeneenoonoo. Anyway, the Bananas thought it was so funny, they collaborated with the comedians on this cover of the Beatles classic. At least it was for charity.

Paulina Rubio, "I Was Made For Loving You"

I put this one in just to annoy Val. In her quest for a crossover hit, Paulina covered this Kiss song on her English-language debut. I hated the original version, but this hot mess is like nails across a chalkboard.

Samantha Fox, "I Only Wanna Be With You"

Those of you who know me well know of my Dusty Springfield obsession. Rumor has it that Dusty liked this version of her first 60's solo hit. I think it would give an Osmond a cavity. The trash can theme in the video is no coincidence if you ask me.

Kylie Minogue, "The Locomotion"

You know it hurts me to post this. She was young, and both Little Eva and I forgive her.

Britney Spears, "I Love Rock and Roll"

I wonder if she had to show her bacon flaps to Joan Jett to get permission for this travesty. At least she doesn't show them to us here.

And sometimes, very seldomly, a goddess gets it right and shows the others how it is done.

Well played, Cher.

Trading Faces Trend Watch: Accessories

2007-01-07T14:17:00.001-05:00

The style gurus here at Trading Faces have noticed as of late that the rubber message bracelet trend has extended to the adult film industry. The Lance Armstrong-sponsored LiveStrong bracelets are proving particularly popular. This does not surprise us as the bracelets can have a multitude of uses in porn and are far easier to clean that more traditional porn accessories, creating a versatile look that should prove wearable for multiple seasons to come.

Well played, gentlemen. Well played indeed.

Screen capture from Oscar contender "A Matter of Size 2," a film that while more fashion-forward than its predecessor, lacks the emotional core of the original.

Avada Kedavra

2007-01-06T17:24:00.000-05:00

When Lord Voldemort activates the Dark Mark, Ashley Olsen needs to learn it is not time to be out shopping.

photo shamelessly lifted from the evil genius of D-Listed.

Fight for the cervical cancer vaccine!

2007-01-05T14:16:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been so quiet, but I'm taking a blog break because I'm not feeling particularly inspired. At least not inspired to lamely attempt to make you laugh. However, I am inspired to have you get up and fight. The Family Foundation of Kentucky is lobbying against a bill in the Kentucky legislature that will add the cervical cancer vaccine to the list of vaccines girls are required to get while in elementary school. Because the FDA-approved vaccine (invented here in The Ville!) prevents HPV, a virus that causes almost all cervical cancers, and because that virus is sexually-transmitted, they argue that giving this vaccine encourages sex. WTF?!

The fact is 74% of Americans carry HPV. Regardless of when a woman decides to become sexually active, she is most likely going to get the virus that can lead to cervical cancer. Are we really so afraid of sex that we're willing to let women die for it? I've set up a new blog called Kentuckians Against Cervical Cancer where I am attempting to collect the stories and photos of Kentucky families touched by cervical cancer. The idea is to get their faces out there before the public and the legislature to let them know that this is not about morality, sex, or anything else other than saving Kentucky families. If you have a story for us, please visit the blog and share it. And if your state is proposing similar legislation (California and Michigan are at the moment), I encourage you to support it in any way you can.

A Few of My Favorite Xmas Things

2006-12-22T00:25:00.000-05:00

I have been exceedingly uninspired to write anything original on this blog since I started studying for my law school final exams, and finishing those exams successfully has been no help at all. While I search for inspiration, please accept this Christmas meme stolen from the sexy and smart Gay Prof as a suitable substitute for my creativity.

Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate is delish, and makes a good mixer for various and sundry liquers. If there is eggnog to be had, hold the egg and just give me the nog.

Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? Wrapping is half the fun, though you would think gifts coming from the world's gayest man would be a mite fancier. Our lezbeen friend Melanie came over one year and re-did all of our Xmas gifts because they weren't up to her high standards.

Colored lights on tree/house or white? Our Charlie Brown tree has white lights, but what I really want is big colored 70s bubble lights.

Do you hang mistletoe? No, but then again I'm not lucky enough to have Anderson Cooper dropping in on me like the Gay Prof. Of course, he is a homewrecker since Anderson and I have been in a committed relationship since sometime around 1993.

When do you put your decorations up? When I finish with finals. Or when I'm trying not to study for finals. Whichever comes first.

What is your favorite Christmas dish? My hubby is quite a dish, but other than him, I love it when mama is feeling maternal and makes us biscuits and gravy on Xmas morn.

Favorite Christmas memory as a child? I almost never get what I really want for Xmas. I'm told I'm very difficult to buy for, and I just don't understand that at all. Crisp white shirts. Colorful ties. Fiestaware. What's so difficult about that? Anyhoo, one Xmas, everyone got it right. When I was 11 years old, everyone decided to buy me books, except for someone who bought me a bookshelf. The huge stack of books didn't last long since I read ridiculously fast, but it was still the best Xmas ever.

When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? It must have been second grade. Everyone else caught on around first grade, and I staged a little protest on the playground with a pal against the lies of these children claiming Santa wasn't real. Seriously, a protest. I was a disturbed child.

What tops your tree? A sparkly gold ceramic star. My girl Twyla has an African-American Barbie in a white gown with her hair teased out like Diana Ross. Twyla's topper is definitely hotter than mine.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Craiggers and I have already exchanged gifts, tonight in fact. Here's the thing, I pride myself on buying gifts that the recipient will really love. I joke that being able to name any 80s song in 3 notes or less is my only skill, but in fact, I could be a damn fine personal shopper. And when I buy a gift someone will love, I want to give it right away. Patience is the world's most over-rated virtue if you ask me.

So, this year, I was the lucky recipient of a really good home improvement book, a scarlet Fiesta disk pitcher, season 5 of "Sex & The City", and sassy new silverware. Hooray for Craiggers!

What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? I will take a bitch down if he tries to eat my cookies.

Snow! Love it or hate it? I drive a Honda Civic. Snow is not my friend.

Can you ice skate? You would think that since I am a good dancer who could run in a pair of stilleto heels from the first time he put them on that I would be able to ice skate. No such luck. You know I'd just end up whacking Nancy Kerrigan in the knees anyway.

Do you remember your favorite present? Books. Lots and lots of books. Oh, and the super-neat cufflinks Craiggers gave me a couple of years ago that work like a level (they're clear, and have a bubble in them...they're an homage to my home improvement efforts).

What's the most important thing about Christmas to you? I was never actually that into Christmas until I started dating Craiggers. He was raised Jehovah's Witness, and those folks don't celebrate Christmas or any other holiday, apparently because taking their children around to annoy people at 8am on a Saturday morning isn't quite enough to make for an unhappy childhood. Our first Christmas together, I wanted to make sure he had lots of gifts to open because it wasn't something he experienced. Ever since, Christmas for me is about finding some way to make the people I love smile. And if that isn't the most nauseating thing I've ever said in my life, I don't know what is.

What is your favorite holiday dessert? Oatmeal raisin cookies. Plain, simple, and delicious.

Favorite tradition? My parents divorced before I was 2 years old. Ever since, I've been bouncing back and forth on Christmas between the two families, making sure I spent equal amounts of time so that no one is mad at me. That's exactly the kind of stress that will cause your child turn out to be a neurotic mess like myself. Let this be a lesson for you.

Which do you prefer - giving or receiving? Christmas is the one time each year I prefer to be a giver.

What is your favorite Christmas Carol? "I'd Like You For Christmas" by Julie London. I'm all about some Ratpack-era Christmas tunes that sound like they're being sung after three martinis. I also adore "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" by Rosemary Clooney because it is simultaneously melancholy and hopeful.

Candy Canes? Ever hear of Graeter's Ice Cream? They're only located in Cincinnati, Louisville, and Lexington, and they're so good that Oprah has their creamy goodness shipped to her. They make a Peppermint Stick ice cream that has crushed candy canes stirred in. That is how I prefer my candy canes, and I will eat as much as is offered to me.

I love my mama

2006-12-16T15:53:00.000-05:00

My mother is a whacko, but there are times that I am truly thankful for her. Like, for example, when I watched this video.

Bliss

2006-12-15T17:47:00.000-05:00

My first semester of law school was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done, and I am so enjoying my time off now that finals are over. I've done some painting on the dining room, had a cocktail, made cookies, had a cocktail, saw two plays, and had about 20 cocktails. It has been lovely and peaceful.

Then I got my grades this afternoon, and all peace was shattered.

Shattered because I learned I didn't bomb out and then I screamed like a white woman!!!

I hestitated to post the actual grades because I don't intend to tell my classmates how I did, and because despite appearances, I hate to be obnoxious. But, I never hesitate to post my own humiliations, my classmates don't know about my blog, and I had many people pulling for me to do well, so I figured what they hell, why not? Those grades would be mediocre for undergrad or other graduate programs. For law school, they are good. Not spectacular, but good. I have to admit that I'm disappointed I didn't make an A in Civil Procedure (that was the class where the professor informed me that my answer to her question made her "sad"), but I'm floored by the A- in Contracts. That class has been the bane of my existence, and my blood pressure was dangerously high before the exam (I seriously considered having someone take me to the emergency room...I was a wreck!).

Anyway, I do apologize for not posting anything entertaining in some time, and for boring you all with law school stories. Also, thank you to all who sent me encouraging notes. Big huge thanks to Craiggers who put up with my big bag of bullshit through two weeks of exams, my sister who has promised not to blackmail me with the drunk-dial message I left for her during our post-finals celebration, and to my favorite blogger, The Angry Black Bitch, whose special Final Exams Bitchfirmation I faithfully recited prior to each exam. Go on with my bad academic self, indeed!

The Hotness

2006-12-05T20:10:00.000-05:00

I am now 75% finished with finals. Today was Civil Procedure, and I don't want to talk about it other than to say that the professor decided the day prior to the exam that she doesn't feel well enough to grade essay exams, and so she switched to an all multiple-choice final. She could at least have used some lube, that's all I'm saying.

Me being me, I've been excessively snappy at home with all this finals stress going on, so Craiggers bought me a lovely present today to cheer me up: the soundtrack to the upcoming movie "Dreamgirls"!!! Granted, if I weren't interested at all, he would have bought it for himself because he's a big showtunes queen, but it was terribly sweet of him nonetheless. And it is great! I think the arrangements and added songs make it better than the original 1982 Broadway soundtrack, a tall order to say the least. If you aren't familiar with the story, get familiar because this may end up being the best movie of the year!

That said, no matter how great you've heard Jennifer Hudson sounds in the part of Effie White (and she is the greatest thing on the soundtrack without a doubt), she is no Jennifer Holiday. The pain and the pathos just don't come through the way they did in the original. The clip below is a performance from the 1982 Tony Awards when Ms. Holiday performed the drag classic "And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going" and then walked off with the award for Best Supporting Actress. I was 9 years old when this came out, and it would be worth being older just to have witnessed this in person. I've never seen anything like it...it is like she is exorcising a demon on stage! Maybe I'll feel differently when I see it at the movie theaters, but I can't imagine Jennifer Hudson or anyone else touching this in a million years.

No Cheese here, weekly or otherwise. The first four minutes explain the story, and in the second four, the house gets brought down. The legendary Ms. Jennifer Holiday along with the original Broadway cast (including Sheryl Lee Ralph and Loretta Devine!) of "Dreamgirls":

This may be my gayest post ever! Anyway, finals end on Friday afternoon, drunkness ensues Friday evening, and assuming bail is made on time, Trading Faces should be returning to its regular feed of mediocrity shortly thereafter.

Kanye West gives shout-out to Francine Fishpaw

2006-11-30T19:04:00.000-05:00

This tribute to "John Waters' Polyester" is okay, but I believe the dogs playing poker he has carved in his goatee are a much richer and more vibrant artistic statement.

Finals update: Today I had my final for contracts, my worst subject. I have been so terrified of this exam that I have been having nightmares about insanely pleated pants this week (the prof wears khakis so pleated you could use them to sail a damn catamaran!). It was brutal, but I think I did okay. My blood pressure was so high before it started that you could take my pulse from across the room (seriously, you could see it in my neck!). Two down, two to go. This biatch is taking the night off from law to get his celebrity gossip and drink on!

Photo blatently lifted from the very talented Fresh over at Crunk & Disorderly. Sadly, the text is entirely courtesy of Trading Faces.

They grow up so fast

2006-11-27T14:12:00.000-05:00

So I took my first real final exam this morn, three hours of spewing everything I ever knew about torts onto a computer screen, and it is a relief to be done with it. Three more finals to go, so I need to get back to studying. First, though, I just had to post this photo of K-Fed's Thanksgiving celebration. I'm not so sure what he has to be celebrating other than skating by for one more week with a clean bill of health from the free clinic, but celebrate he did at his first baby mama's house. Apparently he brought a new date/meal ticket to dine with his first two kids (you know, the little brown ones he didn't care enough about to fight for custody):

I tell you, Anna Nicole's little girl sure did grow up fast, and just as classy as her mama!

About your host

2006-11-20T14:09:00.000-05:00

The host of Trading Faces has various and sundry interests. However, I have far more disinterests. As I prepare to go underground in preparation for the first set of law school final exams, I'm getting even lazier about posting than normal. How lazy? Here are my "Interests" as listed on my Facebook page (because yes, I've gotten that deep into being a college kid again that I have a Facebook page...law school will send you right into a second adolescence):

Christopher is not at all interested in:

1. Clowns
2. Raw onions
3. Ashley Judd
4. Ashley Judd movies
5. Ashley Judd’s greasy hair at UK basketball games
6. The Bush administration, every last one of them, right down to Condi’s Lucy Van Pelt hairdo
7. NASCAR, because driving in a circle is not a sport.
8. White Castle
9. Paper/plastic/foam dishes at home, because people over 25 should use real dishes.
10. Crocs
11. The word “bro” unless referring to Cosmo Kramer’s bra for men
12. Pleated pants
13. SUVs
14. Goth teens…get your own damn youth culture!
15. The Grateful Dead, so much so that I threw a Grateful He’s Dead party.
16. Decaf coffee
17. Bling
18. Insomnia
19. Children on planes
20. Children in adult restaurants
21. Improper usage of your/you’re
22. Camping
23. Fauxhawks
24. The word “moist”
25. Rainbow flags

If I see you in a nice restaurant wearing Crocs and drinking decaf with Dick Cheny and his turkeybaster fauxhawked grandson, chances are somebody is going to get stabbed.

Posting your profile from another site...that may make me the laziest blogger alive. Send me good vibes over the next two weeks anyway, please!

The Weekly Cheese

2006-11-15T22:24:00.000-05:00

Our Weekly Cheese this week is dedicated to my pal Marc, a.k.a. Twyla Knight, who owns this song on vinyl. He also owns a painting by her late husband, Xavier Cugat, that is horrible and glorious, just like today's featured "artist". You remember her from "Love Boat" and that great Geico commercial, but did you know she was a disco queen? Pop open a bottle of wine and enjoy The Cheese, brought to you by...

Charo's "Dance A Little Bit Closer!"

A Model Proposal

2006-11-15T21:26:00.000-05:00

I don't like to brag, but I may just have cemented my status as Evil Genius. Are you astounded? I was too. I mean, I never thought that I would be able to solve the quagmire in Iraq while studying/not understanding the Parol Evidence Test for a contract dispute. Actually, I wasn't studying, but rather avoiding this mind-numbing subject by reading all about supermodel/beatdown artist Naomi Campbell's latest legal problems. It seems she smacked around another maid and berated her for being "Third World." The maid is accusing Naomi of being a "violent super-bigot." That's when it hit me...why on earth do we bother with anger management classes for these people? Let the anger work for us!

Naomi scoffed at our attempts to make her play nice. It is perfectly clear she enjoys beating the tar out of foreigners, and let's face it, bitch is damn good at it. So why not let her do what she does best? Let's put together an army of pissed-off rich bitches, led by Naomi, and send them to the Middle East. I guarantee that she will sort them all out in no time flat. You know it was a bloody mess for her to take Anna Wintour's hairdo for her court appearance today. Show me a radical Islamic terrorist scarier than the iron-fisted editor of Vogue, and I'll show you someone who is going to take over the world.

Our only fear is that Tyra "That's not a forehead, that's a fivehead!" Banks is going to join in with the Iraqi insurgency once she hears that Naomi's lawyer has taken to referring to his client as "the most beautiful black woman in the world." Still, Tyra's not the sharpest tool in the shed, and if Linda Evangelista can figure out how to not wake up for less than $10,000, she can plan a strategy for her BFF Naomi to take down Tyra and the insurgents.

No need for Dubya and his pals to thank me for cleaning up their little mess (though I admit that being passed over for yet another cabinet position is starting to sting). As a loyal American and fashionista, it is the least I can do.

I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the dirt

2006-11-13T21:23:00.000-05:00

Wow, looking back over the last few posts, I really do sound angry. Ignorant celebs and my contracts class are just driving me into full-on meanness! But, just in case all 10 or so of you start to worry your heads about my well-being, here is some reassurance that some things are still happy here in the land of Trading Faces:

Kylie Minogue kicked off the Showgirl Tour this week after cancelling it last year when she had to take up the fight against breast cancer. She didn't just kick cancer's ass, she got out her hot glue gun and decorated it!

While I am eating some meat these days for the first time in 13 years, I haven't started with the beef. Who needs it when you have Fantastic Foods' veggie chili mix? I looooooove a bowl of this chili made with black beans and some extra spice, and maybe a peanut butter sandwich on the side. I can get three seriously filling meals out of this for about $4, and given our budget these days, that's great!

Is it demented that I'm already playing Christmas music? This particular series is my favorite, featuring folks like Sinatra, Dean Martin, Rosemary Clooney, and fabulous Ms. Julie London (my all-time fave Xmas song is "I'd Like You For Christmas").

I didn't have any shoes to wear to the gym when my pal Katie and I started going last week, so I bought these sassy Pumas at discount shoe website Zappo's. We've only made it to the gym once, but my hooves were just as cool as can be.

There are two things that are getting me through law school right now. They are, in no particular order:

1. Cheap vanilla vodka. Stoli is my favorite, but this cheapo brand seriously tastes about as good as the other flavored brands. Gee, cheap vanilla vodka and generic Diet Coke...things are tight around the Trading Faces offices!

2. Glannon's Examples & Explanations study guide on Civil Procedure is essential for any first year law student. If you don't need it, you're obviously smarter than me, which makes me question your choice of blog reading material. I have put the Examples & Explanations for Contracts on my Christmas list, which may also make me the biggest nerd alive today.

Further hatefulness

2006-11-13T20:25:00.000-05:00

I swear I'm not in a bad mood lately, it is just that every celeb this month has been pissing me off (except for you, Britney...I'm really really happy for you!). Anyway, you keep a lady in diamonds and furs for 350 years, and see how she repays you! From a recent interview with Broadway legend Carol Channing in a mag I've never heard of called The Gay People's Chronicle:

KK: You seem to have a very large gay following. Have you ever thought about why?

CC: I don’t think about them. I’m grateful that they seem to like me. They’re terribly loyal to me. But I’m knee-deep in the Bible and you know what it says about that.

KK: Alright.

CC: Oh, dear. Is this for a gay publication? Have I offended you?

KK: Yes. For the Gay People’s Chronicle. Right now, it’s really not my job to be offended or not be offended. I am just asking questions and reporting answers. I read that you have fought for gay rights. Do you think that the things gay people are fighting for are important?

CC: I don’t think about it. If they can’t take care of their own problems, why should I bother. It’s not my problem.

I don't think it will be your problem much longer, you tone deaf old dinosaur. I am rather astounded by her comments considering at one time she seemed to be a supporter of equal rights for gays and lesbians (and she certainly never minded taking our money). Perhaps since she hears death knocking, she's afraid all those gooey gowns she wore to delight the fairies won't get her into Heaven. It is terribly sad, but not exactly uncommon. One of the great regrets of my life is that my late grandfather and I never patched things up after he treated Craiggers badly one Christmas. He was very live-and-let-live, but as he neared the end of his life, he suddenly found God, out of fear of his own mortality I believe. I won't go into details, but he behaved really horribly toward Craiggers, and I stayed angry with him until we learned a few months later he was terminally ill. I should have sat down and discussed it with him. I should have tried to make him understand that he taught me about integrity and honest hard work, and that because of his example, I can't live my life with anything less. But I didn't. I did forgive him because I know fear of death made him behave that way, and that it wasn't who he really was. I just wish he had realized that he was fine just the way he was before, and that I loved him for it.

Carol Channing, on the other hand, is still on my shit list.

UPDATE: Carol's people are claiming that she was misled by this reporter who also conveniently left out a few key phrases from her interview. Given her history of loving the gays, she has been removed from my list. That said, we'll be watching you, Granny. Don't disappoint us again.

Gay people who get on my damn nerves

2006-11-13T19:00:00.000-05:00

This week, Trading Faces would like to give a big shout-out to our newest member of the tribe, Mr. Doogie Howser. It has not been a good fall for the homosexuals, what with that crazy pervert in Congress and the meth-faced minister out in Colorado. Revelations of gayness of late should do nothing if not show the world that we really come from all walks of life, and not all of us are wise-cracking loons who will forcibly re-do your dining room. Most of us are quite common, and as we've seen this fall before Doogie came out, many of us are pretty darn annoying. With that, the staff of Trading Faces is pleased to present the gay folks we'd like to give back.

Lord knows I love a bitch. I also have a special place in my heart for unapologetic queens. That said, would someone PLEASE adjust Grandma's hormone replacement patches?! Good lord, Elton, don't we have enough trouble without your crazy gay ass going around advocating banning religion like some sort of reverse fundamentalist psycho? You need to sit down, hush up, and knit yourself a nice afghan.

Lance Bass, welcome out of the closet. It is always nice to have someone join us without there being a prostitute and two or three sacks of meth involved. Oh, what's that? You'd like to make it clear in People Magazine that you only like to deal with "straight-acting" gays? Well, it is a good thing your boyfriend doesn't feel the same way, fishbasket. Stop putting that kind of self-loathing bullshit out there because you're making some sissy kid in Mississippi hate himself even more.

Oh, and enough with the damn eyebrow plucking! You're starting to look like Nicolette Sheridan!

Patty, it is past Labor Day. Time to step away from the Birkenstocks. And no, you may not wear them with woolen socks. Maybe if you stopped that bullshit, you'd attract a nice girl like Ellen instead of that chick who is always calling you "sir."

We'll be seeing you at the customer service counter soon for a return. And don't even think about trying to push some store credit off on us...we want our money back!

Shocking! Eddie Murphy picks up REAL woman on streets of L.A.!

2006-11-13T18:54:00.000-05:00

It was an easy mistake. I've often suspected Venus Williams might be a woman with "something extra" as well. Most other female pro athletes have the good sense not to go out in public dressed like a damn Disney villain.

*photo shamelessly lifted from Crunk + Disorderly

New Source Found for Fossil Fuels! Middle East Peace Imminent!

2006-11-10T14:11:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Ashley Judd's skin, America will no longer need to look to the Middle East to power our SUVs. Finally, she becomes useful!

*ed. note: What, just because we're both from the same place, I'm supposed to be nice? At least my degree from the University of Kentucky isn't pretend!

No, Mr. President, NOW you got a thumpin'!

2006-11-09T15:54:00.000-05:00

Sen. Allen just conceded in Virginia. The Democrats have taken the House AND the Senate from the cut-tax-and-spend party of Bush. Please join me in a bit of schadenfreude.

Maybe Rummy can look that word up for President Corky on The Google before he goes!

Five Things

2006-11-08T23:51:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I've been tagged by my Fiesta friend Ces to share five random profane or mundane things about myself. As you can see, contrary to popular belief, I can be a good sport!

There are two, yes two, Spice Girls CDs in my home. Also, one Geri Halliwell solo disc, two CDs by Britney Spears, one Ace of Base, one Samantha Fox, and one (oh sweet fancy Moses why do I admit these things?!)....Mandy Moore.
I have a bit of a thing for good underwear, and get really annoyed when people are dressed in adult "cinema" and then are magically undressed without any steps in between. WTF? Along those same lines, I'm REALLY sick of white Calvin Klein briefs. Someone in the industry needs to cut a deal with a new fashion designer to supply their costumes.
I am a raging liberal big fag who loves ballsy women, and yet I think Barbra Streisand ought to be smacked with a wet trout. Go figure.
I was secretly hoping for a communal shower at my new gym at the university's health science center, but no such luck. No wonder I skipped my visit today.
Yesterday, I wore a pair of rather pricey Kenneth Cole zip-up half boots (from back when I had a job) to school with an old man vintage-ish blazer I picked up used for $5 at the Goodwill, and I was working it.

And if that hot mess isn't profane I don't know what is. Ces, you didn't really think that given the choice between mundane and profane, I would go for the mundane, did you? :-)

Exclusive: Transexual attempts to assasignate Sharon Stone!

2006-11-08T17:28:00.000-05:00

Thank God she was able to fight off her attacker by using Shirley Jones' coat. I have a sneaking suspicion our pals over at The Gilded Moose had something to do with this.

Best. Day. Ever.

2006-11-08T11:31:00.000-05:00

1. Democrats took back the House of Representatives by a COMMANDING margin, and we'll soon have the nation's third highest office held by a woman for the first time in history.
2. The Senate is shortly going to be retaken by the Democrats as soon as the vote count finishes, we hope.
3. Britney left K-Fed, while his album sold 6,500 copies and debuted at #151.
4. Voters in Arizona rejected a constitutional ban on gay marriage, voters in South Dakota rejected telling women what they can do with their own bodies, and voters in Missouri approved stem-cell research.
5. I didn't get called on in Property, and I'm not hungover despite the copious number of mojitos I consumed while watching CNN last night.
6. The Ville FINALLY rejected evil Congresswoman Anne Northup.

I think this calls for a Happy Dance, y'all!

UPDATE: And now Montana was called for the Dems AND Secretary of Defense Donald "Darth" Rumsfeld has resigned. This is better than sex! It's like being 7 years old, waking up on Christmas morning, and finding all the Star Wars toys, a new bike, and tickets to Disneyworld under the tree!!!

Get your vote on!

2006-11-07T15:40:00.000-05:00

If you aren't voting today, I'm deeply surprised we are friends. Along those same lines, I'm seeing a lot of people today encouraging folks to vote, no matter who they vote for. You won't hear such nonsense from me. If you're planning to keep the incompetent Bush administration in power in Washington by sending them a Republican congress, please, do our military, Muslim men, gays and lesbians, poor working families, students, racial minorities, women of child-bearing age, and old sick folks a favor...

keep your butt at home!

I'm Christopher, and I endorse this message because my queer ass is tired of being a scapegoat for these do-nothing spendaholic warmongering douchebags!

What has law school done to the animals?!

2006-11-05T13:55:00.000-05:00

I had half a turkey sandwich yesterday, and I’m having another today. Has law school made me forsake my vegetarian principles? Not so much…I lost those long ago, but just preferred my way of eating. Law school has stressed me into not cooking. Rather than cook each day, I’ve been making casseroles and such, and freezing them into Gladware so as to have a large supply of lunches and dinners. Casseroles with cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. Do you people have any idea how difficult it is to pre-prepare healthy meals?! So, in lieu of getting fat on pre-prepared vegetarian fare, I am toying with expanding my diet to include poultry. It’s easy and convenient to have lean sliced turkey and chicken on some whole wheat bread, and probably healthier than consuming ten pounds of beans and cheese each day.

Commence with your gloating all you carnivores who have smirked at my soy products. I have a memo to finish.

FYI, the turkey on the plate is fake, but I still prefer it to the turkey holding it.

Christopher's state of mind

2006-11-03T16:42:00.000-05:00

I was going to start writing a post about my late Uncle Beef. Yes, you read that right. Uncle Beef. It is a fun story, I assure you.

However, it isn't going to get written today. Why? Let's just say this quote I read from another law student this afternoon while avoiding working on my memo sums up how we're feeling around here at Trading Faces this week:

"Law school is like unprotected sex: it feels great when you get in, but you regret it after you come."

Yeah, I went there. You spend hours reading about the Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress, and you would say worse. More from us later when we're feeling a little less distressed.

Oh Jesus! Call 9-1-1!

2006-10-31T20:43:00.000-05:00

Jermaine Jackson is being chased by a biker gang of gay Arabs, led by Pia Zadora!

We always knew it would eventually come to this, but really, with that jacket he was just encouraging them.

Team Witherspoon!

2006-10-31T20:26:00.000-05:00

As I'm sure you've all heard by now, Hollywood cutie couple Reese Witherspoon and What's-His-Name have split, reportedly because he couldn't keep it in his pants for his Oscar-winning wife. In this election season, we at Trading Faces would like to give our most enthusiastic endorsement to Team Witherspoon in this race.

Sadly, as California is a community property state, that rat-boy is going to get half of everything, and that's a lot since she's currently the highest-paid actress in Hollywood. We are confident, however, that as he deserves he is going to get all the itching/burning sensations "down there" that he could ever want. That and a lifetime of bit parts on movies made for the Hallmark Channel. Way to blow it, horndog!

The Hotness

2006-10-29T11:03:00.000-05:00

No joke here, only happiness that every time we see her in public these days, my daughter Whitney has a little less crack addict residue on her. Granted, I am trying to convince her to drop the honey-colored acrylic hair, but it is on straight at least, and she looked positively radiant last night out on the town at a benefit with her producer Clive Davis. Team Whitney!

P.I.M.P.: A bejeweled medical update

2006-10-28T12:54:00.000-04:00

Remember back when this blog was mainly about the massive amounts of surgery I was having to get rid of the birth defect on my face? Yeah, I've kind of gotten sidetracked from that by celebrity trash and random musings, at least in part because the surgery didn't go quite as planned despite everything I had been told by my medical team. I've been doing a lot of trying not to think about things. It has been mostly successful though, so I thought it might be time to post a surgical update. The last surgery back at the end of June was around my mouth area, and because the stitches inside my mouth broke, I have a lot of scar tissue that will take even more months to soften and go down. So, I still have some movement limits to my mouth (not much, but some), and some swelling. Also, there was a small piece of the venous malformation left toward the back of my cheek that couldn't be removed. It is still hardened from the injections (see previous post linked above if you want to know what all that is about), so it may dissolve or at least go down a bit more. I do know at some point I want to go get at least one more surgery to take that last piece out if it doesn't dissolve, and to get some work done to stop my eyelid from drooping. At any rate, here are the results as they currently stand, with a contrasting pic from a year and a half ago:

Pretty good improvement, but also who could help looking good when he's in his finest pimp gear? That was from last night's Decedent's Ball thrown by the Student Bar Association. I was a Torts Pimp (you can't see much of the jeweled hoe I'm carrying, which is neither obviously nor intrinsically dangerous, and thus non-negligent...yeah, only law students who have read Lubitz v. Wells would find that funny).

Thanks for all the good wishes I've gotten over the past year of this journey. I appreciate them, and wanted to show you all that I am doing better. And now I'm going to go trolling for some tacky celebrities to make fun of so we won't have quite so serious of a subject as the top story on Trading Faces!

The Anderson Cooper Update

2006-10-24T21:33:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since we've checked in with our favorite intrepid boy reporter/super secret boyfriend Anderson Cooper. Let's see what he's been up to, shall we?

Yep, that's what I thought, still trying to throw the paparazzi off our trail with his pretend boy toys. Well, that or he's still mad about that Columbus Day prank Lou Dobbs and I played. It was mean, but priceless. I tell you, I don't know who screamed more like a woman, Anderson or Nancy Grace!

Source

Separated at Birth?

2006-10-24T21:24:00.000-04:00

OMG! It's Pete Burns from legendary 80s band Dead or Alive! Please Pete, will you sing us a few bars of "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)"? Pretty please?! We love you so much here at Trading Faces!

What's that? Right after just a little more work on your lips? Ummm, okay...

Yeah, so we're not really comfortable with where this is heading, so we'll just listen to you on the iPod. Loved you on "Dancing With the Stars," by the way!

Project Baby

2006-10-23T17:42:00.000-04:00

"Project Runway" judge/Elle Magazine fashion director/Evil Disney Queen Nina Garcia is preggers! Congrats, girl!

Tim Gunn is going to be the first visitor in that nursery. And what will he say? "Don't bore Nina!" That's sage advice...nobody wants to get this look:

You know that no wire hangers will be allowed in that household.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2006-10-19T00:48:00.000-04:00

The PoshBot, a.k.a. Victoria Beckham, now fancies herself enough of a fashionista that she is starting her own fashion business. I'm not entirely sure how shopping a lot qualifies her as a fashion expert, but by that same token I suppose I can now call myself Princess of The Taco Bell 99-cent menu, so I'm all for it.

Posh knows her clothes, we'll give her that. We won't, however, give her this:

"It's amazing - I'm doing something I'm actually very good at," she said. "I can confidently sit in a room with Donatella Versace or anyone in the business and be respected. I know what I'm talking about." 3 a.m.

That reminds me, I was just over at Donatella's palazzo with a bottle of Stoli and my big Oxycontin purse (you know the one, it goes with my Xanax earrings), and she was telling me how much she respects my opinion regarding fashion. And my views on Middle Eastern policy. And my tabouli recipe. That Donatella, she is one respectful lady.

The Weekly Cheese: Greatest Actress of Our Generation

2006-10-16T21:46:00.000-04:00

Instead of finishing my reading for civil procedures for class tomorrow, I've been on YouTube researching the Greatest Actress of Our Generation. She has played a head trauma victim, a terrorist, a gay basher, and a baby thief, and that was all on one show! She once attempted to give Jack Waggoner a lobotomy, but was stopped by a meddling Priscilla Presley. She's so hot, one video just isn't enough, though I will say the second half of the first scene is possibly the greatest moment in network television history. The Weekly Cheese is brought to you by...

Marcia Cross a.k.a. Dr. Kimberly Shaw of "Melrose Place"

Tell me you aren't going to giggle from now on when you see her migraine commercials from now on!

A Saturday afternoon conversation

2006-10-14T15:35:00.001-04:00

Christopher: "Where are you going?"

Craiggers: "To the post office to drop these packages off."

Christopher: "Don't you want to hear all about the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure?"

Craiggers: "Less than you can possibly imagine."

Christopher: "I could tell you all about Permissive Joinder. You never want to do anything fun."

It is little wonder the Radical Right is so opposed to gay marriage when conversations like that demonstrate just how perverse we really are.

Lowered expectations

2006-10-13T16:28:00.000-04:00

I got a B+ on my first major classroom writing assignment in 10 years, a memo for basic legal skills. While I may have said previously that I would not be satisfied with less than an A on anything, I think it is safe to say I was doing a happy dance when I got this back today. I even got a "Good job"...I couldn't be happier if she had given me a smiley face sticker. I also indulged in a bit of schadenfreude after observing the dissatisfaction of a classmate with whom I'm a wee bit competitive, that is, until I found out my grade was lower than a classmate who is universally regarded as the most annoying person in school. That's what I get...apparently karma counts for lawyers too.

In other Christopher news, I think law school might be ruining my sense of humor. At the very least, it has ruined "Legally Blonde" for me and anyone else who might watch it with me. Everything happening in the movie I judge based on the reality of law school, and I have to say I'm even irritating myself. When Holland Taylor is lecturing, I'm commenting, "Why on earth would she begin the semester with subject matter jurisdiction? Those people don't even know how the case gets to court in the first place yet!" When Elle Woods goes to interview a witness in a murder case, I comment, "They would never let a 1L do that! She hasn't even had a class in evidence yet!" When I'm commenting, I know Craiggers is thinking, "This is a movie about a girl who takes her chihuahua to court with her in a purse...let it go!" But of course he is too nice to say it. That is the difference between the two of us...I'd never be that nice!

And finally, someone mentioned recently that I have not mentioned all the surgery I had in June in quite some time. I am healing up still...I had some complications with stitches breaking, so my mouth healed oddly and is still stiff due to the scar tissue. I didn't get rid of everything, and I'm not entirely happy with the results. It is a million times better than it was, but I don't look entirely normal as of yet. I probably need maybe one more on my cheek and some work done on my eye since they mostly skipped that. It is quite amazing how long it takes to heal after facial surgery. I suppose a facelift isn't quite the instant beauty folks think it is...I hear the healing is quite similar to what I'm experiencing. I'm giving it another month or so, and I'll post some pictures. After that, I probably won't get to finish the surgical journey until I finish school. I had been told I would be finished prior to school starting so I would still have health insurance, but that isn't happening. I'm okay with that. The journey isn't over yet.

Couples Night or Things I Swore I'd Never Do

2006-10-12T19:37:00.000-04:00

I live in a very black and white world where people don’t change, where the rules don’t change, and where I am always right. There are certain things I have always sworn I would never do, and true to my word, I never have.

For example, I’ve never voted for a Republican, not even the one or two attractive ones. After being dragged to see “Robin Hood,” I’ve never paid to see a Kevin Costner movie, and refuse to watch one even for free unless given free reign to make wisecracks throughout. And I continue to steadfastly reject the notion that Celine Dion has anything remotely approaching talent.

Yet here I am in line at a theater waiting to see a movie with my partner and our friends Amy and Melanie. Suddenly, it strikes me. How the hell did this happen? I’ve become a “we” person!

I’m sure you know “we” people. They’re those people that always refer to themselves in the plural, as in “We don’t like chicken parmesean,” “We prefer the larger sized bath towels,” and “We think Jay Leno is a comic genius.” It is as though a personality lobotomy is the price you pay for having sex with one person on a regular basis.

“We” people never do anything alone, and more importantly, they rarely do things without other “we” people. I used to wonder if there is something in their genetic code that causes an explosion if in the company of an odd number of people for an extended period of time.

In short, I hated “we” people. In our single party years, my friend Edwin and I determined that if we ever found the right person, we would definitely never become those people. They were terminally dull, and what’s more, they seemed to have an agenda to make us feel like lepers for not being coupled. I thought of Edwin when I had the aforementioned Amy and Melanie over for dinner along with married couple Danny and Holly.

At first glance, we looked like some bizarre commercial for Bennetton, a male couple, a female couple, and a mixed couple, having cocktails and eating summertime barbeque fare almost as though there was nothing slightly off about the whole picture. In reality, we were all too conventional. A wee dinner party had turned into a “we” dinner party.

I suppose this insidiousness began to sneak up on me a few years back when we had our first Christmas together. I have long been an avowed Christmas hater after a childhood of divorce and being shuttled between two families, trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings by spending a minute less with one person than I did with another. Craig, though, had been raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, and for some reason I decided that he should have a real holiday full of bad decorations and crass consumerism.

That’s when after nearly a decade of living on my own, I put up my first Christmas tree. And while it was more colorful, stylish, and sparkly than the tree of your average family, it was probably the most nuclear family gesture I had ever made up to that point in my life. By the next year, I had taken up my mother’s hobby of baking breads as gifts to friends and co-workers, and we actually considered having our picture made for holiday greeting cards, in front of the tree with the gaily wrapped gifts and the cats.

After considering the nausea medication we’d have to include in that card, we nixed that idea. I suppose that deep down in the depths of what passes as my heart I knew that while being somewhat of a “we” person wasn’t necessarily the horrible crime I once thought, the card would be crossing a line that would put us in the same category as those people you see at amusement parks wearing matching t-shirts pledging their devotion in airbrush. Those people should be shot on sight, along with people who send family newsletters and who use the word soulmate.

My newfound flexibility, as best I can figure, is part of the milestone of finally feeling like an adult, even if I don’t always act like it. Just last week, I found myself willing to try sushi again instead of writing it off as smelly yuppie compost. If that isn’t flexibility, I don’t know what is. So I’ll say it…I’m a “we” person, and that’s okay. And it didn’t take me half as long to say it without cringing as it did to say that I’m th-th-thirty.

Besides, I never really made a conscious choice to become a “we” person. I don’t see my single friends as somehow deficient in some way. I don’t look at them with pity and assure them that the perfect person is out there somewhere (with the sort of friends I have, I would get punched a lot if I did that anyway).

In remembrance of my former self, I do make an effort when in the presence of single friends lamenting their singleness to point out that they don’t have to worry about someone else’s snoring. There are no struggles over the remote control. You never have to argue over who ate the last of the ice cream or who left that horrible smell in the bathroom. Aside from being true, I figure it is the least I can do for the man I used to be. I’m still not watching “Dances With Wolves”, though, not even if promised that Kevin Costner dies a painful death in the end alongside Celine Dion.

Happy National Coming Out Day!

2006-10-11T19:17:00.000-04:00

Come out,

come out,

wherever you are!

Not so fast there, Mr. Cruise...we have quite enough crazy in our ranks without your alien-worshipping ass. Thanks anyway.

I hope all my fellow meat whistle tuners out there have had a lovely day!

Further proof that Kathleen Turner is a tough broad

2006-10-09T20:13:00.000-04:00

She totally kicked Steven Segal's ass for this outfit on the clearance rack at Ross Dress for Less.

Again, stealing more great photos from the style gurus at Go Fug Yourself

Dear Erykah Badu,

2006-10-09T20:06:00.000-04:00

Oh my.

I think you'd better call Tyrone (call 'em!). And tell him I said come on, 'cause you've lost your shit.

Psychotic photo of neo-soul songstress/nutjob courtesy of the ladies of Go Fug Yourself

The Death Rattle

2006-10-07T12:26:00.000-04:00

Ohhhh sweet fancy Moses, I'm hungover!

Not this hungover, mind you, but hungover nonetheless.

Last night, I forgot that I'm not in my 20s anymore, and went out to celebrate our first law school exam with some schoolmates. I won't go into details other than to say there was Indian food, someone's apartment, blueberry Stoli, bourbon, dirty martinis, two bars, and a pukey cab
ride involved (no, I was not the one who lost his curry...I'm far too much of a pro for that sort of thing). Not surprisingly, I currently have a wee headache that feels somewhat like Sharon Stone giving me an icepick to the head while forcing me to watch "Basic Instinct 2."

Since I'm hearing the death rattle in my head today, I thought I might steal my pal Nurse Ratched's recent morbid-but-fun post on the songs I would like played at my funeral. Not to bring down the room, but having lost an inordinate number of friends at an early age to strange tragedies, I have given a great deal of thought to my own mortality. I also live in the land of denial, so I prefer to think of it all as planning a big party in my own honor. People from my part of the country do this whole funeral ritual involving open caskets, lots of country food, and preachers. I want no part of any of that morbidity. My family can do what they like with the understanding that I will come back and haunt a bitch who lets someone conduct a sermon over my embalmed corpse. My friends, however, are going to be under instructions to rent out a large comfortable room. There will be an open bar and fantastic snacks. After everyone has had the opportunity to get good and soused, everyone will take a seat and listen as each person goes up to a microphone to tell the absolute most embarrassing story about me they know. It will be fabulous! Edwin, get that story about the "theater" seat ready. You too, Kitty Litter, with the tale of the where the bad man touched you inappropriately. And during the cocktail portion of the evening, the following music will most definitely be playing:

1. "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, because I am (or was) one.

2. "Last Dance" by Donna Summer, because I'm just that obvious.

3. "Land of the Living" by Kristine W., because I will still be alive in the land of the living...when I'm haunting your ass!

4. "I Wouldn't Change a Thing" by Kylie Minogue, because I don't believe in regrets.

5. "I Am Thin and Gorgeous" by Junior Vasquez and the AbFab ladies, because a few days after death, I'll finally get back down to the size I always wanted.

6. "Holiday" by Madonna, because I'm gay and have to have something by Madonna. It's one of the items on the contract we have to sign when we cross over.

7. "Peace Train (Holy Roller Mix)" by Dolly Parton, because I started life as one kind of holy roller and ended it as a whole other kind.

8. "I Know It's Over" by the Smiths, because it is morbid and kinda funny all at once.

9. "Dead Man's Party" by Oingo Boingo, because it will be my party, and I can die if I want to.

10. "It's a Sin" by Pet Shop Boys, because when I look back upon my life, for everything I long to do, it's a sin.

11. "Save Up All Your Tears" by Cher, because there's no crying allowed unless it is accompanied by a smartass remark.

It's going to be a helluva a party...I hope you can all make it in about 50 years or so!