Thursday, November 30, 2006
This tribute to "John Waters' Polyester" is okay, but I believe the dogs playing poker he has carved in his goatee are a much richer and more vibrant artistic statement.
Finals update: Today I had my final for contracts, my worst subject. I have been so terrified of this exam that I have been having nightmares about insanely pleated pants this week (the prof wears khakis so pleated you could use them to sail a damn catamaran!). It was brutal, but I think I did okay. My blood pressure was so high before it started that you could take my pulse from across the room (seriously, you could see it in my neck!). Two down, two to go. This biatch is taking the night off from law to get his celebrity gossip and drink on!
Photo blatently lifted from the very talented Fresh over at Crunk & Disorderly. Sadly, the text is entirely courtesy of Trading Faces.
Monday, November 27, 2006
I tell you, Anna Nicole's little girl sure did grow up fast, and just as classy as her mama!
Monday, November 20, 2006
Christopher is not at all interested in:
2. Raw onions
3. Ashley Judd
4. Ashley Judd movies
5. Ashley Judd’s greasy hair at UK basketball games
6. The Bush administration, every last one of them, right down to Condi’s Lucy Van Pelt hairdo
7. NASCAR, because driving in a circle is not a sport.
8. White Castle
9. Paper/plastic/foam dishes at home, because people over 25 should use real dishes.
11. The word “bro” unless referring to Cosmo Kramer’s bra for men
12. Pleated pants
14. Goth teens…get your own damn youth culture!
15. The Grateful Dead, so much so that I threw a Grateful He’s Dead party.
16. Decaf coffee
19. Children on planes
20. Children in adult restaurants
21. Improper usage of your/you’re
24. The word “moist”
25. Rainbow flags
If I see you in a nice restaurant wearing Crocs and drinking decaf with Dick Cheny and his turkeybaster fauxhawked grandson, chances are somebody is going to get stabbed.
Posting your profile from another site...that may make me the laziest blogger alive. Send me good vibes over the next two weeks anyway, please!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Charo's "Dance A Little Bit Closer!"
Naomi scoffed at our attempts to make her play nice. It is perfectly clear she enjoys beating the tar out of foreigners, and let's face it, bitch is damn good at it. So why not let her do what she does best? Let's put together an army of pissed-off rich bitches, led by Naomi, and send them to the Middle East. I guarantee that she will sort them all out in no time flat. You know it was a bloody mess for her to take Anna Wintour's hairdo for her court appearance today. Show me a radical Islamic terrorist scarier than the iron-fisted editor of Vogue, and I'll show you someone who is going to take over the world.
Our only fear is that Tyra "That's not a forehead, that's a fivehead!" Banks is going to join in with the Iraqi insurgency once she hears that Naomi's lawyer has taken to referring to his client as "the most beautiful black woman in the world." Still, Tyra's not the sharpest tool in the shed, and if Linda Evangelista can figure out how to not wake up for less than $10,000, she can plan a strategy for her BFF Naomi to take down Tyra and the insurgents.
No need for Dubya and his pals to thank me for cleaning up their little mess (though I admit that being passed over for yet another cabinet position is starting to sting). As a loyal American and fashionista, it is the least I can do.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Kylie Minogue kicked off the Showgirl Tour this week after cancelling it last year when she had to take up the fight against breast cancer. She didn't just kick cancer's ass, she got out her hot glue gun and decorated it!
While I am eating some meat these days for the first time in 13 years, I haven't started with the beef. Who needs it when you have Fantastic Foods' veggie chili mix? I looooooove a bowl of this chili made with black beans and some extra spice, and maybe a peanut butter sandwich on the side. I can get three seriously filling meals out of this for about $4, and given our budget these days, that's great!
Is it demented that I'm already playing Christmas music? This particular series is my favorite, featuring folks like Sinatra, Dean Martin, Rosemary Clooney, and fabulous Ms. Julie London (my all-time fave Xmas song is "I'd Like You For Christmas").
I didn't have any shoes to wear to the gym when my pal Katie and I started going last week, so I bought these sassy Pumas at discount shoe website Zappo's. We've only made it to the gym once, but my hooves were just as cool as can be.
There are two things that are getting me through law school right now. They are, in no particular order:
1. Cheap vanilla vodka. Stoli is my favorite, but this cheapo brand seriously tastes about as good as the other flavored brands. Gee, cheap vanilla vodka and generic Diet Coke...things are tight around the Trading Faces offices!
2. Glannon's Examples & Explanations study guide on Civil Procedure is essential for any first year law student. If you don't need it, you're obviously smarter than me, which makes me question your choice of blog reading material. I have put the Examples & Explanations for Contracts on my Christmas list, which may also make me the biggest nerd alive today.
I swear I'm not in a bad mood lately, it is just that every celeb this month has been pissing me off (except for you, Britney...I'm really really happy for you!). Anyway, you keep a lady in diamonds and furs for 350 years, and see how she repays you! From a recent interview with Broadway legend Carol Channing in a mag I've never heard of called The Gay People's Chronicle:
KK: You seem to have a very large gay following. Have you ever thought about why?
CC: I don’t think about them. I’m grateful that they seem to like me. They’re terribly loyal to me. But I’m knee-deep in the Bible and you know what it says about that.
CC: Oh, dear. Is this for a gay publication? Have I offended you?
KK: Yes. For the Gay People’s Chronicle. Right now, it’s really not my job to be offended or not be offended. I am just asking questions and reporting answers. I read that you have fought for gay rights. Do you think that the things gay people are fighting for are important?
CC: I don’t think about it. If they can’t take care of their own problems, why should I bother. It’s not my problem.I don't think it will be your problem much longer, you tone deaf old dinosaur. I am rather astounded by her comments considering at one time she seemed to be a supporter of equal rights for gays and lesbians (and she certainly never minded taking our money). Perhaps since she hears death knocking, she's afraid all those gooey gowns she wore to delight the fairies won't get her into Heaven. It is terribly sad, but not exactly uncommon. One of the great regrets of my life is that my late grandfather and I never patched things up after he treated Craiggers badly one Christmas. He was very live-and-let-live, but as he neared the end of his life, he suddenly found God, out of fear of his own mortality I believe. I won't go into details, but he behaved really horribly toward Craiggers, and I stayed angry with him until we learned a few months later he was terminally ill. I should have sat down and discussed it with him. I should have tried to make him understand that he taught me about integrity and honest hard work, and that because of his example, I can't live my life with anything less. But I didn't. I did forgive him because I know fear of death made him behave that way, and that it wasn't who he really was. I just wish he had realized that he was fine just the way he was before, and that I loved him for it.
Carol Channing, on the other hand, is still on my shit list.
UPDATE: Carol's people are claiming that she was misled by this reporter who also conveniently left out a few key phrases from her interview. Given her history of loving the gays, she has been removed from my list. That said, we'll be watching you, Granny. Don't disappoint us again.
Lord knows I love a bitch. I also have a special place in my heart for unapologetic queens. That said, would someone PLEASE adjust Grandma's hormone replacement patches?! Good lord, Elton, don't we have enough trouble without your crazy gay ass going around advocating banning religion like some sort of reverse fundamentalist psycho? You need to sit down, hush up, and knit yourself a nice afghan.
Lance Bass, welcome out of the closet. It is always nice to have someone join us without there being a prostitute and two or three sacks of meth involved. Oh, what's that? You'd like to make it clear in People Magazine that you only like to deal with "straight-acting" gays? Well, it is a good thing your boyfriend doesn't feel the same way, fishbasket. Stop putting that kind of self-loathing bullshit out there because you're making some sissy kid in Mississippi hate himself even more.
Oh, and enough with the damn eyebrow plucking! You're starting to look like Nicolette Sheridan!
Patty, it is past Labor Day. Time to step away from the Birkenstocks. And no, you may not wear them with woolen socks. Maybe if you stopped that bullshit, you'd attract a nice girl like Ellen instead of that chick who is always calling you "sir."
We'll be seeing you at the customer service counter soon for a return. And don't even think about trying to push some store credit off on us...we want our money back!
It was an easy mistake. I've often suspected Venus Williams might be a woman with "something extra" as well. Most other female pro athletes have the good sense not to go out in public dressed like a damn Disney villain.
*photo shamelessly lifted from Crunk + Disorderly
Friday, November 10, 2006
Thanks to Ashley Judd's skin, America will no longer need to look to the Middle East to power our SUVs. Finally, she becomes useful!
*ed. note: What, just because we're both from the same place, I'm supposed to be nice? At least my degree from the University of Kentucky isn't pretend!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Maybe Rummy can look that word up for President Corky on The Google before he goes!
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
- There are two, yes two, Spice Girls CDs in my home. Also, one Geri Halliwell solo disc, two CDs by Britney Spears, one Ace of Base, one Samantha Fox, and one (oh sweet fancy Moses why do I admit these things?!)....Mandy Moore.
- I have a bit of a thing for good underwear, and get really annoyed when people are dressed in adult "cinema" and then are magically undressed without any steps in between. WTF? Along those same lines, I'm REALLY sick of white Calvin Klein briefs. Someone in the industry needs to cut a deal with a new fashion designer to supply their costumes.
- I am a raging liberal big fag who loves ballsy women, and yet I think Barbra Streisand ought to be smacked with a wet trout. Go figure.
- I was secretly hoping for a communal shower at my new gym at the university's health science center, but no such luck. No wonder I skipped my visit today.
- Yesterday, I wore a pair of rather pricey Kenneth Cole zip-up half boots (from back when I had a job) to school with an old man vintage-ish blazer I picked up used for $5 at the Goodwill, and I was working it.
Thank God she was able to fight off her attacker by using Shirley Jones' coat. I have a sneaking suspicion our pals over at The Gilded Moose had something to do with this.
2. The Senate is shortly going to be retaken by the Democrats as soon as the vote count finishes, we hope.
3. Britney left K-Fed, while his album sold 6,500 copies and debuted at #151.
4. Voters in Arizona rejected a constitutional ban on gay marriage, voters in South Dakota rejected telling women what they can do with their own bodies, and voters in Missouri approved stem-cell research.
5. I didn't get called on in Property, and I'm not hungover despite the copious number of mojitos I consumed while watching CNN last night.
6. The Ville FINALLY rejected evil Congresswoman Anne Northup.
UPDATE: And now Montana was called for the Dems AND Secretary of Defense Donald "Darth" Rumsfeld has resigned. This is better than sex! It's like being 7 years old, waking up on Christmas morning, and finding all the Star Wars toys, a new bike, and tickets to Disneyworld under the tree!!!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
keep your butt at home!
I'm Christopher, and I endorse this message because my queer ass is tired of being a scapegoat for these do-nothing spendaholic warmongering douchebags!
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Commence with your gloating all you carnivores who have smirked at my soy products. I have a memo to finish.
FYI, the turkey on the plate is fake, but I still prefer it to the turkey holding it.
Friday, November 03, 2006
However, it isn't going to get written today. Why? Let's just say this quote I read from another law student this afternoon while avoiding working on my memo sums up how we're feeling around here at Trading Faces this week:
"Law school is like unprotected sex: it feels great when you get in, but you regret it after you come."
Yeah, I went there. You spend hours reading about the Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress, and you would say worse. More from us later when we're feeling a little less distressed.